Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

I'd like to hear your non- B.S. ghost encounters but liars are welcome too. I have lived in this house for three years. I always heard something and thought I saw something. One of my friends said they saw something cross the hallway too. Thats where I saw it. It is getting more prolific. It sounds like a whole bunch of (well 4-6) people all talking at once and you never hear a distinct word. Now it has progressed to a tap on my left shoulder. That has only happened three times. I'm almost 100% sure of what it is cuz, I mean, what else could it be. Especially since my friend, Tom-Bob-Square-Hole said to me what he saw was word for word what I saw before I ever told him what I saw. Exactly the same thing. A lady shaped fog float fast from the laundry room to the storage room. I almost crapped my pants when he said I think you gotta ghost. it seems like they dont know they are dead and gone and that we moved in. I'm not afraid in the least bit. If I was 100% sure then I might be.

2007-11-30 23:33:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I heard these from someone.
Long:
A blonde drove into a man's truck while on the highway, the man was very angry and pulled her over into a carpark. He drew a circle in chalk on the ground and said "Don't leave this circle!!". He got out a crowbar and smashed all windows of her car, the blonde started giggling. Ignored it he then slashed the tyres, the blonde was laughing hard. The man got even angrier and started smashing everything he could, the blonde was now laughing hysterically. "WHAT, WHAT IS IT?!" the man asked, "While you weren't looking, i stepped out of the circle 3 times, Hehehe".
Short:
-How does a blonde kill a fish? She drowns it
-How do you get a blonde going to london's window seat? Tell her all seats going to london are in the middle row.
-How do you keep a blonde entertained forever? Write turn over on both sides of a piece of white paper.
-How did the blonde kill a bird? she threw it off a cliff.
-What do you call a blonde at University? A Visitor.

2007-11-30 23:27:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are 7 girls on a bus
Each girl has 7 backpacks
In each backpack, there are 7 big cats
For every big cat there are 7 little cats

Question: How many legs are there in the bus?

2007-11-30 23:08:29 · 14 answers · asked by rokbart 2

2007-11-30 22:46:49 · 4 answers · asked by Rebel Hell 2

Tampax have announced that they will be removing the string from all of their tampons and replacing it with tinsell.

This will be for the christmas period only.

2007-11-30 22:29:36 · 31 answers · asked by lilmissdisorganised 6

A nurse slowly enters the room of a handsome intern who is rendering service in a hospital. The nurse was seeking medical assistance for a patient.
"Are you free, doctor?" she whispered.
"Oh no, I'm married, just married," replied the young physician.

2007-11-30 22:27:34 · 16 answers · asked by Lei Al 2

2007-11-30 22:18:17 · 7 answers · asked by jackass781 1

ok
a blonde goes ice fishing...and she dgs a hole with one of those thingys and she hears a voice say, " U can't fish there..." so she goes to another spot and digs a hole...she hears..."u can't fish there!" so she goes to anther spot...she hears again, "ucan't fish there!!" so she says, "wow god u must b watching my every move!" "no i am the manager of the hockey rink...there is no fish here..." lol! well its not the best joke but i thought it was funny!

2007-11-30 22:04:53 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-30 22:02:05 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A world renowned neurologist is giving a seminar to a group of doctors about involuntary muscular contractions. He goes on to explain that there are many muscles in our body are reacting involuntarily of each other and without us even knowing. He senses the class is becoming bored with his speech, so he tries to lighten it up a bit by asking a woman doctor in the front row, “You probably have no idea what your a*shole is doing every time you have an orgasm”. She smiled sheepishly and replied, “ I know exactly what he’s doing, he’s out fishing with his friends.”

2007-11-30 21:59:26 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: " that's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: " Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?" Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."

2007-11-30 21:55:23 · 22 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After their tent is all set up, they fell sound asleep.
One hour later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo-Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially millions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo-Sabe, you dumb a*s. Someone stole tent."

2007-11-30 21:52:48 · 16 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."

2007-11-30 21:29:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde". She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."


A man and a blonde were sitting very tensed in a bar. Blonde asked why he was so tensed. Man replied," If I dont get my car sold by today, i will lose my ***. Why are you so tensed ?" Blonde replied," If I dont get my *** sold today, i will lose my car."

Hope you like em....

2007-11-30 20:38:03 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

he heard it's because you play for 8 months on grass and you don't get busted.

2007-11-30 20:31:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

more cuming in a while.....

2007-11-30 20:31:07 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The people at number 14 are disgraceful, what with old cars in the front garden, broken windows and a total lack of respect for anyone else.

Why the other day I found old Jimmy walking along the street with a filthy old goat.

"Where are you going to keep that?" I asked him.

"In the house, there's no room in the garden with all the cars and all."

"In the house?" I exclaimed. "Where?"

"The bedroom." he said, "So he doesn't interrupt the telly."

"The bedroom? Where you and your wife sleep?"

"Yes, what's wrong with that?" says Jimmy.

"Well," I said, "for starters, what about the terrible stink?"

"Ah don't worry about that," says Jimmy leading the goat to his house, "He'll soon get used to that!"

2007-11-30 20:15:36 · 16 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

2007-11-30 19:23:42 · 12 answers · asked by cold kid 2

a man wanted to buy his wife a bird for x-mas so he went into a pet shop and ask the guy for the best bird in the store. so the takes him to a bird named chester. so he said what so special about him and the guy said he sings xmas carrols when u put a lighter under his wing. so the clerk did so and chester sang jingle bells and the guy said ill take him. so at a x-mas party he shows his wife her new bird and his tricks and everyone at the party was amazed. so everyone got drunk and lifted up his wing and he sang slient night. then one drunk guy lite a match under his balls and chester the bird sang chester nuts roasting on a open fire

2007-11-30 19:16:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-30 18:14:24 · 38 answers · asked by ALOK T 1

2007-11-30 17:50:31 · 13 answers · asked by Linda Fallsrock 2

A teenager took her dad to mall to buy some new shoes. They decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court. As they were eating, the girl noticed her dad watching a teenager sitting next to them. He had spiked hair that was all different colors, green, red, blue, and orange. The father kept staring at him and the teenager would look at him and find him staring. The teen was getting fed up with him, so he sarcastically asked "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The dad looked at the teen, swallowed his food, and calmly said "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

2007-11-30 17:06:33 · 12 answers · asked by Amy 5

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

2007-11-30 16:47:36 · 13 answers · asked by omeng90 3

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."

2007-11-30 16:46:24 · 8 answers · asked by omeng90 3

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your as*hole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my a*s..."

2007-11-30 16:45:12 · 7 answers · asked by omeng90 3

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like eachother very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have three wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediatly wished that all the bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediatly and Mr. Rabbit put it on. Mr. Bear was amazed at his choice but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring foests were female too, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared beofre him, he got on it, and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear couldn't believe it and complained he had wasted 2 wishes he could have had for himself.
Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all

2007-11-30 16:42:29 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

2007-11-30 16:40:17 · 3 answers · asked by omeng90 3

just a little curios

2007-11-30 16:39:53 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Blonde walks into a doctor's office and asks for a stress test. The doctor asks her, how did you hear about a stress test? She replies, "Oh you know, QUINN"
In walks Quinn and Quinn goes, "I don't know what she's talking about!"
The doctor gives both of them a confused look and continues eating his Pizza Hut pizza.

2007-11-30 16:25:30 · 9 answers · asked by Peggy!! 1

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
Over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,
Surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath Nurse',
He mumbles, from behind the mask.

'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
To wash your upper body

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may split his sutures from worry about his testicles,
She overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
The other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
Thank you, That was wonderful, but listen very, closely..



A r e - my test results back?

2007-11-30 16:23:05 · 4 answers · asked by Trea (pron.tree) 4