Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

An old man goes to the Wizard to asks if he can remove a curse he's
>> been living with for the last 40 years.
>> The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words

>> that were used to put the curse on you".
>> The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
> wife."

2007-11-29 15:33:39 · 23 answers · asked by David 6

Bambi, a buxom blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.
When Bambi said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to pharmacy and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"

2007-11-29 14:59:14 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

2007-11-29 14:57:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

2007-11-29 14:55:13 · 42 answers · asked by omeng90 3

A little boy was excited about his first day at school.
So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class
started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to
the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if
he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but
asked him to be quick.

Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate
and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat him down and drew him a little diagram
to where he should go and asked him if he will be able
to find it now. The boy looked at the diagram, said "yes"
and goes on his way.

Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says
to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at
the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So two fellas go together and five minutes later they
both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks
Jon, "Well, did you find it?"

Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his
boxer shorts on backwards"

2007-11-29 14:49:05 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

They both cause you to stand around for an hour
waiting for a two minute ride!!

2007-11-29 14:38:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Say something.. a word or sentence that's amazingly hallarious

2007-11-29 14:28:04 · 3 answers · asked by Chelsea K 2

Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now
and

then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

2007-11-29 13:37:58 · 12 answers · asked by David 6

A German, an Italian and a Redneck were on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1.. To be shot
2.. To be hung
3.. To be injected with the A.I.D.S. virus.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom he was dead instantly.)

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Redneck fell down laughing.

The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

So finally the warden said, "What the heck is wrong with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid.....I'm wearing a condom!"

2007-11-29 13:10:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and
decided it was finally time to marry.

Before the wedding,they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to touch the
subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopeful.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused .... then he asked,

"Was that one word or two?"

2007-11-29 13:02:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The wives of four presidents and prime ministers are talking together>
The topic is about " How a penis is referred to in their respective
Languages "

1. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a " Gentleman
because it stands up when women are entering.

2. The wife of Boris Yelsin says in Russia you call it " Patriot "
because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the
back side.

3. The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a " Curtain ",
because it always goes down after the act.

4. Well the wife of Clinton says in USA you call it " Rumour ",
because it goes from mouth to mouth.

2007-11-29 12:56:55 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men checked into a hotel room for which they paid $30. The next day, the manager realized that the men had been overcharged. She gave the bellhop $5 to return to the three men. On the way to their room the bellhop decided to keep $2 for himself, and give each of the three men one dollar. The three men had now paid $9 each, or a total of $27. This plus the $2 the bellhop kept makes a total of $29. What happened to the other dollar?

2007-11-29 12:41:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

He whispered to himself but not low enough.........Yeah, A head like a Melon and a Face Like a Collie......

2007-11-29 12:27:59 · 15 answers · asked by Bolles Harbor Alive-New 360 pg 3

HOw do you casterate a redneck?


Kick his sister in the chin.


Sorry guys, but that is just funny!!!!

2007-11-29 12:03:08 · 2 answers · asked by victoria E. 4

Construct a set of data with atleast 5 different numbers for which the mean, median, and mode are all the same number.

2007-11-29 11:35:13 · 6 answers · asked by Bowchickawowwoww 3

The faster you run
The harder it is to catch me
What am I?

2007-11-29 11:22:17 · 31 answers · asked by ffkali 2

Should cows be herd but not seen?

2007-11-29 11:12:28 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

there are alot of yo momma jokes out there...but I never heard a yo daddy joke...enlighten me please

2007-11-29 11:04:18 · 13 answers · asked by Leannamick 5

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

2007-11-29 10:21:06 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

2007-11-29 10:08:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

2007-11-29 09:36:24 · 8 answers · asked by Denz 5

2 boys were talking about there dads. The first boys said "my dads a right old wimp" the 2nd boy said "my dads a wimp to", the first boy said" when its thundering he hides under the bed, the 2nd boy said "thats nothing when my mum works nights my dad sleeps with the woman next door " lol.......

2007-11-29 09:14:38 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth.... still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

2007-11-29 09:12:48 · 18 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

a dustman knocks on a japanese man"s front door,

the jap say"s harro!wat u want?

dustman ask!s where"s ur bin,"i bin on loo" say" jap.

"no mate where"s ur dustbin?

i just bin on loo!say"s jap,

no no mate where"s ur wheeelie bin,

hokay,i wheelie bin having a w*nk!!

2007-11-29 09:11:44 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the **** out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.

2007-11-29 09:11:15 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and Agrees to spend the night with her for $500.

He spends the night with her but before he leaves, He tells her that he does not have any cash with him, But he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, Calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, Realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam: :

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your Apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I Rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, That there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large

2007-11-29 09:11:03 · 9 answers · asked by nothing 5

you wave to them...which one waves back?

2007-11-29 08:50:41 · 6 answers · asked by ? 2

Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"
"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"

"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."

2007-11-29 08:42:43 · 15 answers · asked by ツ Petar 4

Heather Mills McCartney parted company Friday with her lawyer and her publicist in her divorce war with Paul McCartney. His relationship with the one-legged model was doomed from the very start. He's an old- time rock 'n roller and she's into hip-hop.

2007-11-29 08:37:25 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Which means "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.") The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English." The Amish man says: "Use two hands. You'll get more."

2007-11-29 08:29:56 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous