Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

there is a girl and a guy. the girl wanted to see her mom in the hospital but there was a stream and she could not swim.the guys dad was in jail but there was a stream and he could not swim.how can these cildren see there parents???????????

2007-11-28 14:12:01 · 27 answers · asked by Disney!! 2

The teacher is posing puzzles for one of her first-grade boys:

Q. What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
A. Pockets.

Q. What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains a thin whitish liquid?
A. Coconut.

Q. What goes in hard and pink, then comes out soft and sticky?
A. Bubblegum.

Q. What word starts with an F and ends in K that means lots of heat and excitement"
A. Fire Truck.

and finally...

Q. A finger goes in me, you fiddle with me when you're bored, and the best man always has me first?
A Wedding Ring.

2007-11-28 13:49:18 · 10 answers · asked by FRANsuFU 3

You say " Is it just me or does it smell like updog in here?
"They say, "What's updog?"
You say "Nothing much.What's up with you?"

2007-11-28 13:42:59 · 39 answers · asked by LEMON the good life 7

He got her the best Digital Bathroom Scale that Money can buy!


I'm Baaaccckkk!


Kurt

2007-11-28 13:37:17 · 14 answers · asked by Bolles Harbor Alive-New 360 pg 3

A: You become a "Big Debbie"

2007-11-28 13:36:58 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I Owe My Mother


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you" (This one works)

2007-11-28 13:21:30 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out
of it.

'I will give each on you one wish, which is three
wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'


POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye,
the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall
around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or
Canadians can come in our our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's
eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.



The Texan says, 'I am very curious. Please tell
me more about this wall.'



The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet
high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get
in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'



The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and
says, 'Fill it with water.'

2007-11-28 12:43:26 · 17 answers · asked by lionaness813 2

AT&T or Verizon
Ipod or Zoon
Iphone or Razor
Cheese or Pretzles
Turkey or Ham
Yahoo or Google
Santa or Jack Frost
Apple or Dell
Bowling or Roller Blading
Tivo or Cable
Paris or Rome
Blonde or Brunette
Real tree or Fake tree (Christmas tree)
Beach or Mountains
Pink or Blue

2007-11-28 12:20:28 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar
with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who
spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico
where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the
coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would
ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and
verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch
your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was run ning inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he
had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the
automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the
garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the do or
connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.
Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a
large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company
claiming undue mental Anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000
for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE:
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a
spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more
Stellas to go...

2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a *** ht club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv
Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot
Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game,
having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.

Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and
overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in
the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat
while the cruise control was set.

The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a
new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this
suit, just incase Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a
motor home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...?

2007-11-28 12:20:07 · 5 answers · asked by cmwest12 2

ok... answer all in order...
Turkey or Ham?
Christmas or Thanksgiving?
Santa or Jack Frost?
Apple or Pumpkin?
Real tree or Fake?
Lights or Popcorn?
Red or green?
Milk or Cookies?
Elf or Polar Express?
Family of Friends?
Hot cocoa or Hot apple cider?
Starbucks or Homemade?(coffee)

2007-11-28 12:09:47 · 8 answers · asked by Brittneyy.♥ 5

i want a serious answer!!!or try too!!!funny is fine too!!!

2007-11-28 11:52:50 · 20 answers · asked by Diana D 3

If y=4x+7 is the equation of a line, then where are my pants?

2007-11-28 11:52:10 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

can you make a sentence using 26 words (no more no less) with the first letter of each word in alphabetical order? for example: a bad cow dried every freakin gummy horse in jordan killing loads mothers, newborns, or pigs quietly rousing suspicions to umbridge's violin while xylophoning yayful zepplins (as in led zepplin) (im not sure yayful is a word)

2007-11-28 11:46:09 · 11 answers · asked by anonymus 2

Little johnny's neighbor had a new baby and it was born with no ears. Little Johnny's Mom was taking him to see the new baby but she warned little Johnny to not mention the baby not having ears and made him promise. Once they were there and little Johnny was beside the baby crib he said ' he sure has cute little feet and a sweet smile and pretty eyes but can he see'? 'Yes' said the baby's Mother, the Doctor says he has 20/20 vision. 'That's great' said little Johnny 'coz if he ever needs glasses he is sh*t outta luck'

2007-11-28 11:41:23 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Be stalked and then murdered by Mario or assasinated by an old man in a wheelchair?

2007-11-28 11:25:39 · 2 answers · asked by schism. 5

ok so my friend Tiffany told me this, maybe youve heard it or maybe you wont think its so funny, but just let me know what you think of it:


There was once a man who was sitting all by himself on a bus looking out the window.
The bus stopped and a man got on and asked him, "Why are you sitting all by yourself???"
The man sitting said "Gay people know evverything...."

Couple weeks later he sees him again at a mall and asks "Are you a pianist???" and the man responses, "Gay people know everything"
So they start walking though the mall just walkin and talkin, and they decide to go up the ummmm.....ummm.....oh dang! whats it called the stairs that move up and down???? (and the person youre telling this too says the answer: ESCALATORS)

And you end it by saying, "Gay people know everything...."

i didnt fall for it, in fact i said "elevators" instead of escalators....idk why! it wasnt on purpose....lol

So, whatd ya think??

2007-11-28 11:22:03 · 14 answers · asked by Support the MCRmy 3

Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.

He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.'

'Well,"she said,''he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish. "And it was done.

The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body? "She said, "Well,he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much."

The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man's husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the General's question."What would you like to do with his body?"

The gay man reesponded, "Well,my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didn't like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well,the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner,throw his ashes in, and let him burn my *** up one more time!"

2007-11-28 10:57:41 · 9 answers · asked by Dan M 5

i no it's old- but good!!
so there's this blond (i am blond- just don't take it personally, im top in my grade at a good school) and she goes into this store, and asks if she could buy the TV sitting on the floor- the clerk said, NO. we don't sell to blonds. so the girl- very frustrated, and wanting a TV, goes home and dyes her hair brown. so she goes back and asks to buy the TV to the clerk- and he says no, we don't sell to blonds. extrememly angry- she goes home pondering how he knew. and so she dyes her hair pink at this rate she'd do anything for the TV, and then asks the clerk for the TV again. he says that they don't sell to blonds once again- and she yells at him: HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M BLOND? and he says- well, that my friend, is a microwave- not a TV.
haha :]
please star if you liked it!? :]

2007-11-28 10:54:31 · 20 answers · asked by Evitakie 2

On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.
"I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man" she tells her new hubby.

The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?.
The wife answers ...well maybe!

Husband asks who it was.
The wife answers - it was Tiger Woods.

Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he's not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon "thing". When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asked his bride.
"I'm calling for room service. After all that work I'm hungry!"

The wife says, "Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Really! Just what would TIGER do?" says the husband.

Well we would do it again!

Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed.
This same thing happens two more times,after which the guy is pretty tired.

So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.
The wife says..you're not calling room service are you!!!!
"NO, says the exhausted hubby"!
"Well who are you calling then, she asks."

I'm calling Tiger Woods...
I want to see what par is for this hole!

2007-11-28 10:42:11 · 6 answers · asked by Dan M 5

I personally like the Aunt Jemima!

2007-11-28 10:31:09 · 3 answers · asked by ferrisdidit 4

Dwarf goes to car yard and takes a vehicle for a test drive.When he gets back salesman asks"What'd you think"?
Dwarf says"I'm not happy"
Salesman replies"Well which one are you then"?

2007-11-28 10:29:52 · 8 answers · asked by bindrinkinnsmokin 2

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) lead an army or
____ (c) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish

5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far NORTH called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) NORTHerners

9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)
_______________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.
Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Wall Mart
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.

16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) Minnnesota
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin

18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.

2007-11-28 10:28:56 · 11 answers · asked by Dan M 5

There are two kids. One named Sally and the other Billy. Sally and Billy like each other so after school they go behind the bushes. When they come out Sally's shirt is in-side-out!

2007-11-28 10:23:23 · 13 answers · asked by HollyHogwarts 3

With all the sadness and trauma in the world today, it is worth a second or two to relfect on the trauma inflicted on the family of Larry LaPrise, the inventor of the Hokey Cokey, who died a short while ago aged 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was putting him in his coffin.

They put his left leg in, and thats when the trouble started.

2007-11-28 10:21:40 · 4 answers · asked by Grizz 5

Tesco condoms - every little helps

Nike condoms - just do it

Peugeot condoms- the ride of your life

KFC condoms- Finger licking good

Ever Ready condoms- keeps going and going!

Pringles condoms-once you pop u cant stop

Burgerking condoms- Home of the whopper

Andrex condoms- soft, strong and very long

Polo condoms- the one with the hole........ oh f**k!

2007-11-28 10:18:40 · 7 answers · asked by Marci_Bby♥ 5

2007-11-28 10:14:03 · 6 answers · asked by caramellovely 2

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' *Teacher Faints.

2007-11-28 10:11:06 · 5 answers · asked by Marci_Bby♥ 5

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”

“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”

“Fine then, just walk this white line.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

2007-11-28 10:09:49 · 14 answers · asked by Marci_Bby♥ 5

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

2007-11-28 10:07:35 · 9 answers · asked by Marci_Bby♥ 5

An old lady answers a knock on her door to be confronted by a very pushy vacuum salesman, but she is just not interested in anything he has to say about his super duper vacuum cleaner.

Eventually, when he realises this, he empties a bag full of horse crap all over her hall carpet, and tells her "If this vacuum cleaner doesn't get all of this up, I'll eat whats left myself, every last bit"

The old lady looks him directly in the eye and replies "Well I certainly hope you're hungry, because my electricity was turned off this morning!"

2007-11-28 10:04:17 · 15 answers · asked by Grizz 5