Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

2007-11-28 04:13:03 · 7 answers · asked by yourfuneralguy 2

i had a dream i was in the 80's. so i started making out with a mannequin. She came to life a Beautiful women I smiled and started deeply into here eyes and she said "Security!"

2007-11-28 04:10:25 · 17 answers · asked by Russell C 2

2007-11-28 03:48:39 · 8 answers · asked by amanda s 1

A man goes to the doctors with a fried egg on his head and the doctor said why the fried egg on your head he said because the boiled egg keeps rolling off. any good?

2007-11-28 03:32:06 · 15 answers · asked by Phillip K 1

11 people were clinging precariously
to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping
on Mount Everest.




10 were blondes, one was a brunette. As a group they decided
that one of the party must let go. If that didn't happen
the rope would break and everyone would perish.




For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.




Finally, the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying
she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.






The blondes applauded.

2007-11-28 03:22:43 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother of a set of triplets was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

2007-11-28 03:20:45 · 15 answers · asked by Marmite 3

2 men walk into a bar, u'd think 1 of them would have seen it...

2007-11-28 03:08:22 · 4 answers · asked by Sammmy 1

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young mothers and their small children. "You
all have obsessions, " he observed.




To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with
eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."




He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."






He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."






At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Di*k, let's
go."

2007-11-28 03:05:09 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johny walks into his parents bedroom to find his monther bent over and his father pushing against her from behind....

The father turns around and sees Johny coming into the room, smiles, winks and waves him away...

Later that night...the father goes into Johny's room and sees the grandmother bent over and little Johny at her from behind....

The father yells..."what the hell are you doing to your grandmother?"

Little Johny says...."it's not so funny when it's your mother is it?"


(star me please :)

2007-11-28 02:44:40 · 14 answers · asked by miki 2

A spokesman for teddy said, 'she should get 60 lashes for insulting teddy like that'.

2007-11-28 02:39:14 · 11 answers · asked by Chopper.Mk13 1

I'm taking a test ... please someone :( help lol

2007-11-28 02:38:56 · 13 answers · asked by SUMMER M 1

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, a good cook, and great in bed... But the law allows only one wife...

2007-11-28 02:38:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife are sitting on the couch, watching TV, and he is throwing peanuts into the air and trying to catch them in his mouth. Somehow it happens the man gets one of the peanuts stuck in his ear. He does everything he can to get it out but it wont come out. His wife tries to get it out but it wont come out.
His daughter gets home with her new boyfriend and they ask what is going on. The man explains and the new boyfriend says that he knows how to get the peanut out. He sticks his fingers up the mans nose and tells him to blow hard. The peanut comes out! The daughter and wife are impressed and the daughter walks into the kitchen with the boyfriend giving him all sorts of praise. As they walk away the wife says how wonderful the boyfriend and she wonders aloud what he will be when he gets older.
The husband says, " From the smell of his fingers our son in law".

Please star me if you like this :o)

2007-11-28 02:29:36 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

What if one of them...touch wood and god forbid....died in the morning? the other would not be able to carry on...or would they??

2007-11-28 01:40:58 · 9 answers · asked by Bobaganush 1

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $5 each," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

2007-11-28 01:18:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship. "Dont ye worry about it, lad. Well make sure your needs are taken care of." After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldnt go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it. "Aye, lad, eres ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there youll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think youll find this arrangement satisfactory." The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row. On the sixth night, the captain said, "Not tonight, laddie; its your turn in the barrel."

Star me!!

2007-11-28 00:54:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver
a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,
nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb,
and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,
and then the still shaking driver said,
"I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and
said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could
frighten him so much.

The driver replied,
"No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

2007-11-28 00:43:32 · 17 answers · asked by traceydavo07 4

Before Marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After Marriage:

Simply read from bottom to top.

2007-11-28 00:38:23 · 19 answers · asked by Predrag 2

Jerry received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that werent expletives were, to say the least very rude. Jerry tried hard to change the birds attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and became even more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation. Jerry put the parrot in the FREEZER. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was a ---- -Not a sound for half a minute. Jerry was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The Parrot calmly stepped out onto Jerrys extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am

2007-11-28 00:36:00 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up. Sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor explains, "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ***. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean *** dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put

2007-11-28 00:30:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 Doctors( one male, one female) met at a multi-specialty medical conference.
They spent the evening talking and decided to go back to her room to get intimate. before they proceded with their fling, The lady doc washed her hands profusely, starting at the fingers and moving to the elbows.

After several hours of lovemaking, they lie in the bed relaxing. The male doc, just making conversation, said you must be a surgeon.

She said yes, how did you know?
"well, it was the hand washing...you basically scrubbed-in before we had s*x."

she said well as long as we are making observations, You must be an anesthesiologist.
"why yes I am, how did you know", he said.
She said,




"because, i didn't feel a thing!"

2007-11-28 00:27:11 · 10 answers · asked by LeeA 3

2007-11-28 00:24:37 · 7 answers · asked by Md. Shuhan 1

Dear Abby

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullsh*t with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed,
Clueless
*****************************************
Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.

2007-11-28 00:23:47 · 4 answers · asked by Johnny 7

a gay guy goes into a bar in the centre of Liverpool
at the end of the bar, there's a scouser drinking a pint- 6' 6" of typical liverpool humour and intellignece, wearing a liverpool tuxedo (donkey jacket and jeans)

The gay guy goes up to him and whispers in his ear
"would you like a bl0w job?"

The scouser lifted the gay up by his neck, hit him in the face and rammed him into the wall

With the gay laying unconcious on the floor, the Barman turned to the scouser and said "did he upset you?"
"I'll say he did" said the scouser. "The little b@stard tried to offer me some sort of job!"

2007-11-28 00:22:02 · 26 answers · asked by Vinni and beer 7

> > A
> skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
> HUGE black
> guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring
> at him
> looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3
> pound testicles,
> Turner Brown."
> > The white man faints and falls to the floor.
> > The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
> says, "What's
> wrong with you?"
> > In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to
> me?"
> > The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
> you the
> answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....I'm 7 feet
> tall, I weigh
> 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
> each, and my name is Turner Brown."
> > The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
> "Turn
> around."

2007-11-28 00:17:12 · 8 answers · asked by drdennie2 3

a blond & a brunette has been subjected to a new computerized lie detector that gives a signal of "toot" once a lie is told.
so the brunette get into test and said:
"i think that i'm a little bit smarter than others, & i love music and i hate handsome guys"
the computer interrupted :"toooot"

then the blond take the test and said :

" i think..."
the computer interfere saying: "tooooooooooooot", BOM,
it couldn't handle the lie

2007-11-28 00:16:43 · 8 answers · asked by Light Shielded By Dark 5

whats the best way you have played a prank on someone..?and what happened finally..?the best answer will get 10 pts.

2007-11-27 23:49:19 · 6 answers · asked by Titanium 3

3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet’s office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, “Why are you here?”

The Schnauzer responds, “I’m 17 years old. I don’t see or hear very well. I’ve been having accidents in the house. My owner says I’m too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep.” The Schnauzer asks the poodle, “Why are you here?”

The Poodle responds, “I’ve not been myself lately. I’ve been especially high strung. I’ve been barking all the time, I’ve been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor’s kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can’t risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep.” The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.

The Great Dane responds, “My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I’m on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn’t help myself. ”

The Poodle asks, “So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?”

The Great Dane says, “No, I’m just here to get my nails trimmed.”

2007-11-27 23:37:54 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard runs into him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

2007-11-27 23:04:39 · 6 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

It’s legal to play hockey professionally.- The puck is always hard.

- Protective equipment is reusable and you don’t even have to wash it.

- It lasts a full hour.

- You know you’re finished when the buzzer sounds.

- Your parents cheer when you score.

- A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.

- Periods only last 20 minutes.

- You can count on it at least twice a week.

- You can tell the media about it afterwards.

2007-11-27 23:00:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous