Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

An old Zulu man was struggling a bit with the English. He walks in to the Restaurant and wants to order a chicken, but unfortunately he can't remember what is chicken called in English. The waiter who wants to take his order is only English proficient. So the old man sees the guy at the table next to him with a plate with 4 baked eggs on it. The old Zulu man points to the plate of eggs and says to the English waiter: I want their mother.

2007-11-27 10:11:52 · 20 answers · asked by More-Love 2

I have this quarter and it has a hole in the hole there is a string tie to it what should I do?

2007-11-27 10:07:59 · 4 answers · asked by Steve G 1

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

2007-11-27 10:07:54 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.” The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ***.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.” WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts,”You can stay there until I let you out!” She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?” “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat *** it won’t be Cheerios.”

2007-11-27 10:02:05 · 10 answers · asked by Jason 2

i want to know how to make fun of them
this girl wrote something about us americans so i am writing something about them
they called outs country overweight and stuff
well help me get back at her and mock her

2007-11-27 10:01:53 · 10 answers · asked by Gina plain and simple 4

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

2007-11-27 09:53:42 · 14 answers · asked by Shae 5

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope suspended from a helicopter. Ten men and one woman. The rope was starting to fray from the weight and so they all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying that she would give up her life to save theirs because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, sacrificing themselves for their men and after all, men were the superior sex and must be saved.

When she finished speaking all the men clapped.

2007-11-27 09:36:57 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

paddy the irish man has got his 2nd question right on who wants 2 b a millionaire n is now on 200 quid, who was the great train robber?
was it ronnie biggs ronnie barker or ronnie parker?
paddy says well chris ive ad agreat night im going to take the money chris says are you f..ing stupid or what you still have all your life lines? paddy says well chris i may be f...ing stupid but im no grass

2007-11-27 09:29:04 · 27 answers · asked by steve c 2

Two classmates were discussing the presents they received at Christmas

Tom says " I had some new games for my PlayStation, a skateboard, new trainers, a football, and £50 spending money and some toys"

John replied " I had the new playstation wii with lots of games, an Ipod phone, a new bike, a huge plasma TV for my room, a trip to disney land with £500 spending money"

Tom says ..................................










" WOW! I wish I had lukemia!

2007-11-27 08:59:43 · 24 answers · asked by raggyann 3

Dear Sir

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are
numerous and after 9 years of marriage and 12 children (not counting the
one on the way), I have come to the conclusion that contraception is
totally useless.

After getting married, I was advised by the priest to use the RHYTHM
METHOD. Despite trying the Tango and Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I
ruptured myself doing the cha-cha. Since priests don't generally have much
cause to know about birth control I spoke to my doctor who suggested using
the SAFE PERIOD. At the time we were still living with my in-laws and had
to wait 3 weeks for a safe period when the house was empty; needless to
say, this didn't work.

The doctor also mentioned the BILLINGS METHOD which was fairly successful
as my wife didn't get pregnant, but then I've never heard of anyone getting
pregnant by a thermometer. We had to give this up because she wasn't very
satisfied and frankly I was getting bored.

A mate at work told me that PULLING OUT ON TIME stopped his wife from
having children. Although I set the alarm clock carefully, it didn't help -
sometimes I got bored waiting for it to ring and pulled out early,
sometimes it rang too soon and I had to hurry to finish. At least my wife
could tell the doctor the exact time she conceived.

A lady of several years' experience informed us that if we made love WHILE
BREAST-FEEDING we would be alright. It's hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I
did end up with a clear skin, silky hair and felt healthy. But my wife was
pregnant again. Another mate said that if my wife JUMPED UP AND DOWN AFTER
INTERCOURSE, it would prevent pregnancy. This she did, but what with all
the earlier breast-feeding, she ended up with 2 black eyes and eventually
knocked herself out. As for doing it STANDING UP, my wife is 6 foot 3 and I
am 5 foot 3 and kept falling off the box I had to stand on to do it.

I finally resorted to non-natural birth control and asked the Chemist about
the SHEATH. The Chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a
packet. My wife fell pregnant almost immediately, which didn't surprise me;
I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb (as the Chemist showed
me) can prevent babies. The Chemist also sold me some SPERMICIDAL CREAM.
This is all very well, but have you ever tried to catch the buggers and rub
the cream in? We also tried the SPONGE which was advertised as a new
method. She washed with it every night, but it didn't seem to make any
difference. For all the good it did she might as well have stuffed it up
her fanny.

My wife was then fitted with the COIL and after several unsuccessful
attempts to fit it, we realised that we had got a left hand thread and my
wife is definitely a right hand screw. The DUTCH CAP came next and we were
very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But
alas, it did give my wife a headache. We were given the largest size
available, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

In view of our problems, our Doctor gave us the new-fangled VAGINAL RING
which was on trial at the time. He told my wife to keep it in place for a
month. This was hard to do as it was too big for her finger and she had to
keep her hands clenched to keep it on. Despite clenching her fists during
intercourse, she was soon in the family way again.

Finally I told her to go on the PILL so she took aspirin regularly. 1 now
know that claims of 99% safety for pills are just advertising blarney. At
least it cured the headaches she got from the Dutch Cap. Could you suggest
a more effective pill? Aspirin was the most convenient as it is readily
available etc, but we could try paracetamol or nurofen if you think it
would work better. Someone suggested holding the pill between her legs, but
this defeats the object of the exercise since it renders intercourse
impossible in all but the kinkiest of positions.

I thought about having a VASECTOMY, but I really don't see how wearing a
tie will make any difference; besides I already belong to the local Social
Club and can't afford membership subs for joining a vasectomy club. I also
understand that you join for life in order to get the tie and with the 12
kids this would put a great strain on our finances. At present we are
reduced to ORAL SEX, but I'm sure you'll agree that just talking about it
is no substitute for the real thing. You must appreciate my frustration and
our problem.

Yours pleadingly

Paddy O'Murphy

PS: Please can you advise me of the accuracy of PREGNANCY TESTING KITS? My
wife passed water over the sticks, but even when she was several months
gone they came up negative. We think this is because we live in a hard
water area and the sticks are designed for use in soft water areas. For all
the use they were, she might as well have pissed on them.

2007-11-27 08:56:46 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to the doctor to get a checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten", the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine...eight..."

2007-11-27 08:48:49 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

2007-11-27 08:46:08 · 6 answers · asked by Patty M 5

HOW TO GET A LIFE

It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones.

Difficulty Level: Hard
Time Required: Years

Here's How:


Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).

Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.

Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.

2007-11-27 08:44:20 · 3 answers · asked by Patty M 5

How many F's are in the next passage.

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

2007-11-27 08:37:21 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-27 08:34:24 · 16 answers · asked by Bill W 【ツ】 6

My first is in trivia and also in give
My seconds in living and also in live
My third is in total but isn`t in brat
My fourth is in Mabel but isn`t in mat
My fifth is in sacred but isn`t in soak
My sixth is in mother but isn`t in smoke
My sevenths in piper and also in pipe
My eighths in potion but isn`t in gripe
My ninth is in swimming but isn`t in mare
The whole is a word that might make you swear

2007-11-27 08:30:07 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paul McCartney was asked if he would consider going down on one knee again.
He said "I would be grateful if you would call her Heather"

2007-11-27 08:21:41 · 13 answers · asked by Craig H 3

richard branson was asked to take over derby county but he declined saying "i couldn't have virgin on the shirts of a team that gets f***ed every week

2007-11-27 08:12:25 · 12 answers · asked by roger the alien 2

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time
it was to set it to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"
_________________________________________
Funniest/cleverest answers when BA..

HAVE FUN!

2007-11-27 07:14:30 · 12 answers · asked by Katie S 3

were captured by cannibals , the chief comes to them and says the bad news is now that we have caught you we are going to kill you, put you in a pot and eat you and use your skin to make canoes

the good news is you get to choose how you die .

The Frenchman says i would like to die by the sword .so the chief hands him a sword .....viva la france and run the sword thru himslef

The Englishman says i woudl like to die by the Pistol Please
the chief hands him a pistol and says "god save the Queen " and blows his head off

The New Yorker says i would like a fork
the chief puzzled , but he shrugs and gives him a fork ..the new yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the chest , the sides , everywhere the blood gushing from all over

The chief Appalled even for a cannibal ,
he asks " My God what are you doing .

The New Yorker replied ......So much for your canoe

2007-11-27 06:48:54 · 14 answers · asked by Dan M 5

A priest goes to McDonalds and orders french fries, coke, and hamburger.
"I'm sorry, we don't have fries, sir," says the clerk.
"Then I'll have a coke and some fries."
"Sir, we do not have fries, we ran out," says the clerk apologetically.
The priest spouts, "then I'll have a burger and fries."
The clerk begins to get pissed.
"Sir, who put the butter in butterfly?" he asks.
The priest replies, "God of course."
"Then who put the hum in hummingbird?"
The priest replies, "God of course."
"Then who put the frigg in fries?"
The priest replies, "There is no frigg in fries."
"That's what I've been trying to tell you..."

2007-11-27 06:45:59 · 10 answers · asked by Nessa 2

A Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

2007-11-27 06:41:00 · 10 answers · asked by Nessa 2

One day, there was 3 men at heaven's gate waiting to go to heaven.
God was standing there and asked the first guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?" The first guy said "I've only cheated on her 2 times".
God then said, "Well, you will get a small car to drive around in heaven".
God then asked the second guy "Have you been faithful to your wife?". The second guy answered, "Well, I've only cheated on her 1 time". God said, "Well, you get a medium size car to drive around in heaven". Then God asked the third guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?". The third guy answered, "I have always been faithful to my wife, I've never cheated on her." God said, "Well, you get a cadilac to drive around in heaven".
Then after the three men were in heaven driving around in there cars, the first 2 men saw the other man crying in his Cadilac. They went over to him and said, "What are you crying about, you got the biggest, finest, car to drive around in heaven and you've always been faithful to your wife, what could be so wrong to make you cry?" The third man looked up and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard".

2007-11-27 06:36:12 · 14 answers · asked by Nessa 2

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart *** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

2007-11-27 06:31:03 · 14 answers · asked by Katie S 3

lol i never knew so i thought i would ask ans see what y'all say.

2007-11-27 06:28:28 · 9 answers · asked by katie p 1

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "

"The girls never showed up!"

2007-11-27 06:20:13 · 16 answers · asked by Freakin 6

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted"

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.

"Never better." John said.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time."

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me."

2007-11-27 06:17:47 · 23 answers · asked by Freakin 6

What does 'success' actually smell like?

2007-11-27 06:13:33 · 3 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

Joke 1:
A man walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Don't touch the purple monkey up in room 222." The man sneered, went up to room 222 and opened the door- there was the purple monkey. The man laughed and poked the monkey. As he went downstairs; the monkey followed him. The monkey followed him into his jeep. The man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed. Later the man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him. The man just burst and yelled, "What do you want!" The monkey came up to him and said, "Tag...you're it."

Joke 2:A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!" The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down. As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok?" The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me." The man

2007-11-27 06:10:26 · 4 answers · asked by Evitakie 2

A man goes into a bar and demands of the barman "A large forty year old whisky please". The barman surreptitiously gives him a 10 year old.

The man takes a sip and says immediately, "Excuse me, I think you may have made a mistake my good man, this is 10 year old whisky."

The barman apologises and thinks, well, okay maybe he can tell a 10 year old be what possibly the difference be between a 20 and 40 year old, so he pours a 20 year old.

"This is no good!" exclaims the man. "This is a 20 year old whisky! I can tell the age of any whisky by simply tasting it."

By now interest has developed in the situation and everyone in the bar urges the barman to test him out, all saying they'll pay for each shot.

After about ten whiskies, all correctly guessed to the admiration of all, the man says that he has finished for the evening. An old guy emerges with a wee goldie.

"If you could indulge me, son" the old man says, "could you try just one more?"

The man shrugs, takes the proferred glass and downs it.

Instantly he splutters and yells "That tastes like p*ss!"

"Good guess!" the old man replies, "Now tell me my age!"

2007-11-27 06:08:31 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7