Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing.

Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back.

"A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

2007-11-27 06:02:10 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Scotsman are touring Yorkshire and they decide they would like a pint and something to eat.

Being of the thrifty sort from Aberdeen, they don't want to get stung paying fancy prices for pub grub, so they stop off at a cornershop and buy a round of sandwiches each.

The go into a nice wee pub and order their beers and sit down. Just as they produce their sandwiches and start to eat them, the landlord bangs his fist on the counter.

"Oi, oi! You two! You are not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here."

The Scotsman look at each other, shrug their shoulders...

...and swap their sandwiches!

2007-11-27 06:01:23 · 18 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Three vampire bats walk into a bar. The first asks for a pint of blood. The barman gives him one. The second asks for a pint of blood. The barman gives him one.
The third asks for a pint of hot water. The barman asks ''Wouldn't you rather have blood like the others?''.

The bat pulls out a tampon and says ''No, I'm making tea.''

2007-11-27 05:55:12 · 6 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

he sits down and notices a large pickle jar filled with $10 bills. He calls the bartender over and says "how much is in that jar" "close to $3000" says the bartender. "what's it for?" asks the man. The bartender replies "if you pay ten dollars and complete three tasks then you win the jar." The man has a few drinks and says "what the hell, I'll try it." as he puts his $10 into the jar.
The bartender says ok and brings out a gallon jug of tequila. "To win the jar you must finish this gallon of tequila in two hours, then there is a very nasty pitbull out back in the alley with a bad tooth, you must bring me the tooth, and finally there is a 90 year old woman up stairs who hasn't had the company of a man for a very long time, you must pleasure her to her satisfaction and then I will give you the jar"
to the bartender's suprise the man finished the tequila in 1.5hrs. and stumbled out the door to the alley.

2007-11-27 05:53:23 · 5 answers · asked by Nate 6

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!'' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says no. ''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

2007-11-27 05:52:20 · 3 answers · asked by Evitakie 2

An American captain meets up with his new First Officer and they don't get along very well.

"I have to tell you I don't like Chinese people" the captain tells him first off.

"Why you no like Chinese?" says the astonished wee man.

"Because you lot bombed Pearl Harbour!" thunders the irate master.

"No, no, no!" yells the Chinaman, "Japanese bomb Pearl Harbour, no Chinese!"

The captain is not impressed

"Japananese, Chinese, Vietnamese, ...all the same to me!" he bellows.

There is a silence of about twenty minutes as they stare away from each other.

"Me no like the Jews." the First Officer says suddenly.

The captain, being Jewish, is perturbed by this.

"Why don't you like the Jews?" he said

"Because Jewish people sink Titanic." returns the FO.

The captain bursts out laughing, "It was an iceberg that sunk the Titanic!" he says

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Speilberg, Rosenberg...all the same to me!"

2007-11-27 05:41:18 · 18 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Fred leans down to pet the dog, which jumps up at him and pulls Fred's hat off his head.

Before Fred can react, the dog has run into the corner and sits down to chew up Fred's hat.

Fred turns to the owner and says "Can't you keep that dog under control?" The guy replies "Do me a favour; the dog is only doing what dogs do, don't be such a jessie."

Fred gets quite heated at this, and replies "Oh yeah? Well listen, pal, I dont much like your attitude."

To which the guy responds "Thats too bad. For a start, it wasn't my hat he chewed - it was yours."

2007-11-27 05:39:10 · 16 answers · asked by murphyslaw 2

A blonde walks along the High Street and notices a sign pointing down an alley which reads "Cruise Special - Only £59"

She goes down this little seedy alley and at the end of it is a dingy travel agents.

She goes in and puts £59 on the counter.

"I'd like that cruise special!" she says

The guy promptly leads her into the back room, straps her onto a great big plastic tube, carries it and her down to the river and throws her in.

Another blonde sees the sign, goes down the alley, and she too asks for the £59 Cruise Special. The same thing happens to her.

As both dizzy blondes float down the river, one turns to the other and says "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The other replies, "Well, they didn't last year!"

2007-11-27 05:37:28 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Superman was flying over a nudist beach when he noticed wonder woman sunbathing. Being faster than a speeding bullet, he decides that he can screw her quick without her knowing. So he swoops down and does his business. Wonder woman jumps up and says "what the hell was that?" The invisible man replies " i don't know but my *** sure hurts"

2007-11-27 05:33:59 · 13 answers · asked by lasticlegs 4

2007-11-27 05:33:00 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lawyers & Charity
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

2007-11-27 05:32:36 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was skimming the yahoo today when I came across THIS. I think it is so funny. Especially the answers to it. And even more so because I don't think that it was meant to be a joke. lol, just read it and you'll see:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AgFoc3lKK5mVHCey_qJ.HjAjzKIX?qid=20061215212536AA2mX1h

2007-11-27 05:20:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The phone call...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?"

And his lovely wife replies, "I don't any idea who it was.
It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

2007-11-27 05:20:00 · 14 answers · asked by Freakin 6

I ment to give him a dollar and accidentally gave him a 5. well actually my friend did.

2007-11-27 04:46:52 · 9 answers · asked by Joshua H 1

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

2007-11-27 04:34:44 · 13 answers · asked by jatin 3

okay, so you are trapped in another room-just this one is made out of metal- there are no windows or doors either
you have a baseball ball machine loaded with baseballs(one that shooots them out at you)
and a baseball bat
how do you get out?

(i'll post the answer soon)

2007-11-27 04:33:03 · 7 answers · asked by Evitakie 2

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

2007-11-27 04:27:32 · 4 answers · asked by jatin 3

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

2007-11-27 04:24:18 · 8 answers · asked by jatin 3

the sky was dark
the moon was high
all alone just her and i
i dont no how but i tryd my best
2 place my hand apon her breast
her hair so soft
her legs so fine
i ran my finger down her spine
slowly she spread her legs apart
when she did it i felt no shame
all at once the white stuff came
its all right its all over now






















my first time milking a cow

2007-11-27 04:24:11 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
The Chinese man says, "If I get another eggroll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."
The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train.
At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an eggroll that day."
The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."

2007-11-27 04:12:10 · 4 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

(The room is as big as you'd like it.)

2007-11-27 03:46:51 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-27 03:39:24 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

zain yain xain wain vain uain tain sain rain qain oain nain main lain kain jain iain hain fain eain dain cain bain aain

2007-11-27 03:36:22 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear this one? Star if worthy. Thanks.


Pls star if you like this one. Thx.

4 Letter Words


Please excuse the rough language in the following story... I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same.

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me
home..., "PLEASE MAMA! "

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT
4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama...., he said words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

2007-11-27 03:29:04 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.

The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate."

He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

2007-11-27 02:33:32 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Frenchman, a German, an Englishman and an Australian were discussing their sexual prowess. The French guy said ‘When I make love to my Mimi she is so affected by my wonderful love making that when we are finished her body rises, quivering, ten centimetres above the bed ‘ The German answered, ‘Das ist notting, wenn I make ze loff to my Marlene, wenn we are finished she rises 25 centimetres over ze bed.’ The Englishman smiles and says, ‘Oh I say old chap, that’s pathetic, when I make love to my Penelope, she is so affected that she rises exactly one yard over the bed and her body shakes with pure delight.’’ The Australian shakes his head and says ‘That’s nothing cobbers, when I finish making love to my Sheila, I leap off the bed, wipe my dick on the curtains and she goes through the bloody roof!’

2007-11-27 02:30:38 · 17 answers · asked by Rainman 4

between 1-100

2007-11-27 02:24:19 · 20 answers · asked by Kevlar 3

"I helped my husband become a millionaire," the Irish girl boasted. "Really," said her friend. And what was he before?
"A billionaire, sighed the Irish girl

2007-11-27 02:17:44 · 40 answers · asked by D 7

The waiter brings out a pot with a lid but the man's afraid to eat it because every so often the lid lifts up a little bit and a tiny pair of eyes peer out at him. He calls the waiter over, points it out, and asks "Are you sure that's chop suey?". The waiter goes, "Oh sorry sir, my mistake - I've brought you Peking duck."

2007-11-27 01:55:45 · 29 answers · asked by murphyslaw 2

I took my granddad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to
him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My granddad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Granddad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

2007-11-27 01:53:41 · 17 answers · asked by .monk 4