Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

what do you put on a table. cut and pass around but would never actaully eat?





first person to figures it out correctly gets 10 points! good luck!

2007-11-26 13:56:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks... But not the ones she's been giving me lately!

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"



Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... Surrounded by trees and bushes.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... Then we met.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Regular naps prevent old age..... Especially if you take them while driving.

2007-11-26 13:48:31 · 15 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

I rear-ended a car this morning So there we are alongside the road and slowly the
driver gets out of the
car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed
and stuff just seems to
get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it, the other driver
was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which
one are you then?' .. . . and that's when the fight started

2007-11-26 13:47:16 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

between 1 and 450 wat is it (the closest or correct person will be best answer) hint: 4 to the 3rd power

2007-11-26 12:48:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

“It’s a period,” reported Johnnie.

“Well I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period.”

“Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

2007-11-26 12:46:00 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?It’s Christmas, Eve !
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month ?
The letter “D” !
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !
Who delievers cat’s Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws
! Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him
! Who delievers elephants’s Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus
! How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?Stacks !
Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he’s Sooty !

2007-11-26 12:41:12 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.” I’ve been stung by a wasp” She says.” Where did it get you?” He replies”Between the 1st and 2nd hole”"I think your stance must be a little too wide”

2007-11-26 12:38:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

How many days should you wait before you contact them again?

2007-11-26 11:40:52 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Decaffinated

2007-11-26 11:39:48 · 15 answers · asked by jemark 6

why?

2007-11-26 11:39:14 · 53 answers · asked by yashar a 3

A husband took a shot at his mother-in-law, so she brought charges against him.
"You were drinking," said the judge, "so I must tell you something. It was liquor that inflamed you. It was what made you hate your mother-in-law; it was liquor that got you to buy that revolver to shoot her; it was liquor that made you go to your mother-in-law's house, point the revolver, pull the trigger and fire. AND IT WAS LIQUOR THAT MADE YOU MISS HER."

FUNNY OR NOT?

2007-11-26 11:38:19 · 9 answers · asked by Lei Al 2

http://www.hemmy.net/2007/02/05/stupid-signs/

2007-11-26 11:35:04 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

guess!

2007-11-26 11:34:19 · 81 answers · asked by Anonymous

push his girlfriend off the wall?




Because he wanted to see her CRACK!!

2007-11-26 11:29:22 · 17 answers · asked by little devil 4

Good stuff to do at meetings in office:

1. stand up in the middle and say," i am insert name, and i am an alcoholic.

2. steal the bosses chair and say, " now I AM IN CHARGE! MWAHAHAHA"

3. tap people next to you and duck when they turn

4. say you dropped your pen and then go under the table an say," OH MY GOD! A BODY!"

5. ask to make a suggestion, then stand and fart.

6. bark at people who pass by the boardroom

7. ask why the water cooler is on fire.

8. take out your lunch and start eating, then when the boss says your name, offer to share your sandwich

9. dress up in knights armor, then say," i thought it was casual friday."

10. bring gi joes and reinact world war 2 after the meeting starts.

2007-11-26 11:24:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

theres a guy named icer,manners and crap the were speeding down the road wen they suddenly crash theyfly through the windshild and a cop shows up he says wat your name icer says "icer" he asks him again icer says "icer" the officer asks one more time and icer said "icer" then the office said "weres your manners" icer said "he's over there picking up crap

2007-11-26 11:24:54 · 6 answers · asked by Jonathan S 3

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'. She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'. She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.

2007-11-26 11:16:35 · 5 answers · asked by Marci_Bby♥ 5

A medicore preparation joke
I was doing some experiments in the laboratory the other day.

I dipped a gazelle in some Nitric acid - it melted but nothing too exciting happened.

I sprinkled shrimps into Sulphur - they got burnt slightly, but it wasn't that spectacular.

I then dropped a Panda into some Ammonia - suddenly, there was pandemonium everywhere!

2007-11-26 11:09:41 · 8 answers · asked by Marci_Bby♥ 5

Passed Away
Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."

Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

2007-11-26 11:01:56 · 17 answers · asked by Bridget F 2

You'd pull the pin and throw it back.

2007-11-26 11:01:39 · 3 answers · asked by Marci_Bby♥ 5

A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on,
She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?"
"ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one"
As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"

2007-11-26 10:58:42 · 17 answers · asked by Freakin 6

the white horese fell in the mud

2007-11-26 10:58:37 · 5 answers · asked by Marci_Bby♥ 5

The carpet fitter had lost his fags and matches. He saw a big bump in the middle of the new carpet he had just laid. "Bugger, that's me fags and matches." He wasn't about the pull up the carpet so he got his mallet and hammered the bump flat.
The lady of the house came into the room and said "You left your ciggies on the kitchen table, here they are- My budgie's got out again, you haven't seen it have you?"

2007-11-26 10:54:19 · 6 answers · asked by Spotlight 5

How can you make a pattern of full-empty-full-empty-full-empty with only moving or touching 1 glass?

2007-11-26 10:47:44 · 5 answers · asked by fox 2

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!"

2007-11-26 10:41:15 · 10 answers · asked by Freakin 6

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

2007-11-26 10:40:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

2007-11-26 10:39:14 · 9 answers · asked by Freakin 6

These are some fun things to do in an Elevator...
1.Pretend you are a Flight Attendant and give safety procedures to other passengers.

2.Sit with a desk, pencil cup and a telephone in the elevator. When someone walks in, ask if they have an appointment.

3.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce " Ive got new socks on!"

5.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".

If you give me enough stars Ill come back for Walmart fun stuff!

2007-11-26 10:38:16 · 10 answers · asked by Sizzle=] 2

Read the sentence bellow: ( note i noe its not spelled right...)

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!if you can raed tihs rpsoet it. OLNY RSEPOT IF YOU CAN RAED TIHS. CNAHGE THE NMUERBR AT TOP TGOHUH, "ONLY ___ PEOPLE IN THE WORLD CAN READ THIS...CAN YOU?" Go up a nmuber if you can raed it...lte's see how hgih we can go

2007-11-26 10:32:52 · 7 answers · asked by Unbiased Laker's Fan 4

BEFORE MARRIAGE:


He: "Yes. At last. I was waiting for this opportunity."

She: "Do you want me to leave?"

He: "NO!"

She: "Do you love me?"

He: "Yeah!"

She: "Have you ever cheated on me?"

He: "NO! Why you even asking? You know I will never do that"

She: "Will you kiss me?"

He:" Ofcourse! Why not?"

She:" Will you hit me?"

He: "No! I'm not that kind of person! Why would you think that?"

She: "Can I trust you?"


For AFTER MARRIAGE.... read the lines from bottom to top.

2007-11-26 10:26:51 · 7 answers · asked by Sizzle=] 2