Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

2007-11-26 03:29:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

pacific cruise ship sinks with only 3 survivors,David,Darren and Daisy.They swim to a small island and live there for couple of years doing what come naturally.but Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both David and Darren,she kills herself.Sad for David and Darren,but they get over it and again nature takes it's course.After a couple more years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing...........so they bury her.

2007-11-26 02:53:14 · 15 answers · asked by cookie 1

Pls star if you like this one. Thx.

4 Letter Words


Please excuse the rough language in the following story... I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same.

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me
home..., "PLEASE MAMA! "

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT
4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama...., he said words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

2007-11-26 02:41:48 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Brain twister:
I live in water; if u cut my head, I am at your door. if u cut my tail i am a fruit. If u cut both "I am with You".

2007-11-26 02:25:53 · 8 answers · asked by james easy 3

come on send me good joke, ive had really horrible weekend. so come on make me laugh.

2007-11-26 02:08:35 · 8 answers · asked by RACHEL B 4

If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?
If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?
What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?
Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?
Why are dandelions considered weeds when daisies are considered flowers?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
Whenever an adult is kidnapped why isn't it called adultnapped??
Why do blacklights look purple?
Did Yankee Doodle name the feather, hat, town, or his pony Macaroni?
Why is it that people duck in the rain, do they really think the rain won't hit them?

How come the Bible is the most stolen book, and one of the ten comandments is "thou shall not steal"?
Why isn't the caps lock capitalized?
If there's a hole straight through the earth, from the south pole to the north pole, and you jump through it what would happen? would you keep falling forever, or fall back down

2007-11-26 02:07:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke – 6 feet 5 inches tall and 350 lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers, the gay guy finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: ‘Do you want a b1ow job?’ he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally, he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing has happened. Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer. ‘I've never seen you react like that,’ he says. ‘Just what did he say to you?’ ‘I'm not sure,’ the big Scouser replies. ‘Something about a job

2007-11-26 01:57:59 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why is it when your sleeping it`s called drool but when your awake its called spit?
If a hermaphrodite got sent to a certain gender prison, which one would it get sent to?
If a teacher were to teach a younger grade than they were teaching before, would they be "degraded"?
If you get chemo-therapy do you lose your pubic hairs?
Would you die if you didn't pee?
Why does every Abraham Lincoln impersonator sound the same, even though there are no known audio recordings of the man?
How's come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up.
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
When Atheists go to Court, they can't swear on the bible, can they?
If marbles are not made of marble, why are they called marbles?
If you dig a hole through the center of the earth, come out on the other side, and then let go, would you be falling down or floating up?
Could you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?
If ketchup is good on french fries, how come it isn't good on mashed potatoes?
Where do all the daylight savings hours go?
Why doesn't the hair on your arms grow as fast as the hair on your head?
What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?
Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?
How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?
Why doesn't broccoli come in a can?
Can you slam a revolving door?
How young can you be, but still die of old age?
What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?
Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?
What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?
Can you read a picture book?
Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?
Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!
If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?
if you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19?
What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8?
What shape is the sky?
If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead?
Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?

2007-11-26 01:54:10 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Does that screwdriver really belong to Phillip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls, but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if its hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

2007-11-26 01:39:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a *****" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.
To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.
Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!
Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.
Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.
To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.
Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.
Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darnest to come to the picnic......

2007-11-26 01:18:33 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class . . .
aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ “But think about that Ladies. What would you say if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife?’”

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook?”

2007-11-26 01:04:22 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

- Olive, the other reindeer.

- Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

- Sleep in heavenly peas

- In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

- You'll go down in listerine

- Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

- Come, froggy faithful

- You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

- Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

2007-11-26 00:59:17 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

In Ottumwa, Iowa, “It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unaquainted.”

In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets. Kibo.

In Carmel, N.Y., a man can’t go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match. nj.

Attention Gooley: In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic.

In Miami, it’s illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Blair!

In St. Louis, it’s illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. cj!

In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple’s own property. Jenine!

In Hartford, Conn., you aren’t allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

In Michigan, a woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. Gypsy!

In Baltimore, it’s illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits.It’s also illegal to take a lion to the movies.

In Oxford, Ohio, it’s illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man’s picture. Gypsy?

In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humerous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Gypsy.

In Pennsylvania, “any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue.”

In Carrizozo, N.M., it’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face). Gypsy!

In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can’t be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife’s consent to beat her with a wider strap. gypsy.

In Kentucky, “No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club” gypsy

An amendment to the above legislation: “The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds (gypsy), nor shall it apply to female horses.”

In the United States, the federal government forces states to set speed limits of 55 miles per hour or less. This law was later ammedend to allow travel at 65 miles per hour but only on rural roads.

2007-11-26 00:54:36 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

2007-11-26 00:46:47 · 8 answers · asked by Andy 1

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so t hey begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother

'Don't eat it, it's an a##hole..

2007-11-26 00:00:01 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can�t take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer�s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

2007-11-25 23:25:13 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. There are 318,979,564,000 possible combinations of the first four moves in Chess

2. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine

3. India has a Bill of Rights for cows.

4. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents every day.

5. Half of all bank robberies take place on a Friday

6. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by taking out an olive from First Class salads

7. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before it.

8. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".

9. Coconuts kill about 150 people each year. That's more than sharks.

10. Bruce Lee was so fast that they had to slow the film down so you could see his moves.

2007-11-25 23:11:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

2007-11-25 22:14:56 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

At a Catholic school, there was a "meet the teacher" open house for the 2nd graders. After the meeting, a Nun announced that there would be a small reception afterwards in the cafeteria. All the children and parents filed in, and saw on a table a plate of apples, a plate of cookies, and some water bottles and juice. As the children went through the line, one boy saw that there was a sign on the plate of apples that said, "Take only one. God is watching." So, the boy took an apple and moved on to the cookies. He helped himself, and then took a small piece of paper, and wrote: "Take all you want”. God is watching the apples."

2007-11-25 21:55:31 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

only one correct answer


hint-----------------think about the users state of being

2007-11-25 21:11:24 · 11 answers · asked by snootch2nootch 1

Post the best short joke you have ever heard. One line long. Suitable for sms.

Cheers

2007-11-25 20:31:30 · 20 answers · asked by ronr 1

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a Friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?' 'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.' So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a Male or female horse.

'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once Over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point,

But he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his Arms and sticks the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's u know what

Pulls him out and plops him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrase that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

2007-11-25 20:30:35 · 7 answers · asked by paddlepop 3

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night

together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have

sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was,
"Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom,
they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk,"
she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby
and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled one out

from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked,
"Would you like me to put that on your bill?

"No!" Donald quacked,


"What kind of a pervert do you think I am?

2007-11-25 20:26:07 · 3 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you so me.

6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood.

2007-11-25 20:11:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jack and Jill were working for this company. The company had run
into some bad times and the guy that owned the company was going
to have to lay either Jack or Jill off. He really couldn't decide
which one to lay off because they were both really good workers.

One day, he decided which ever one of them came back from lunch
first, he was going to lay off. Sure enough, here came Jill up
the front stairs. As she entered the front door, he walked up
to her and said, "Listen Jill, I'm really sorry but I'm going to
have to either lay you or Jack off."


Jill replied,

"Well you're going to have to jack off cause I got a
headache........"

2007-11-25 19:49:24 · 14 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

and my daughter is the fruit of the land. A rainbow is my bed, the earth my final resting place, and I'm the torment of man.?

2007-11-25 19:16:14 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-25 19:09:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

would you rather walk around a crowded mall but naked for 5 hours, or give up sex for the rest of your life?!?

2007-11-25 19:08:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

there is 3 student and they buying a tv and tv is 30pounds so each student give 10pounds so they got tv but then manager find out that its 25pounds so he gives that 5pounds to his worker to give it back to them three student but the worker takes 2 pounds and give 1 pound back to each student so that means each student payed 9pounds

so 9X3=27
AND WORKER TOOK 2 POUNDS
SOO THATS ADDS UP TO 29
WHERE DID THAT 1POUND GO

IF YOU ANSWER THIS YOUR GENIUS

Everyone coming up with solution such as:

It's a trick of misdirection by adding or subtracting at the wrong times. The worker's 2 pounds should not be ADDED to the students' 27pound number, it should be subtracted.
27-2=25pounds, the amount the manager charged for the TV.

Think of it this way: how much money each individual actually has in his pocket.
3students have 30, then 0 as the manager has 30. He realizes he overcharges, so then the worker has 5, the manger 25, and students still 0. When the worker hands them each a pound, the equation now looks like this:
3students = 3pounds total
worker = 2 pounds total
manager = 25 pounds total
All adds up to 30. No missing pound.
The students did indeed pay 27, but as the manager has 25 you need to subtract the worker's two pounds, not add.

Another example
each student still payed 10 pounds but the price was 5 more than it was supposed to be. so the manager gives his worker 5 pounds to give back to the students. so he takes 2 out of that 5. it still = 25 but then each kid gets 1 pound back....if it was 25 pounds and 3 kids were splitting the price evenly then they would not be paying 9 pounds each. one kid would pay 9 and the other two would be paying 8. (8+8+9 = 25). with the other 2 left over going to the worker who took it....it all adds up to 27 pounds. (the other 3 were given back to the kids)
8+8+9+2+3 =30!

No one can’t answer the question read it properly and answer it if your clever

2007-11-25 18:43:04 · 11 answers · asked by ..K.P.. 2

I have two actually:

1. "I'm tired of chasing my dreams. So, I'm just gonna ask them where they're going and hook up with them later".

2. "I was standing in the doorway at a casino one time, and the bouncer came up and told me I had to move because I was blocking the fire exit. I said: Dude...if you are flammable and you have legs...you are NEVER blocking a fire exit"!

2007-11-25 18:39:09 · 1 answers · asked by LolaCorolla 7