Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told
by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down
the sink, or
else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant
task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents
down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then
withdrew the
cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with
the exception
of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from
the third
bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the
cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
bottle down the
glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of
the next and
drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the
sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then I
corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank
the pour.

2007-11-25 05:22:56 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them
ignores them at first but her attention is galvanised when
she hears one of them say the following:




"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two as*es come together.
I come once-a-more. Two as*es they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."




"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine, "
says the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't
speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.




"Hey coola down lady, " said the man. "Who
talkin'abouta sex? I'm justa tellin' my
frienda how to spell Mississippi.

2007-11-25 05:20:46 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night "with the boys." He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because that he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"

Well, as always, one leads to two, which leads to rounds, which leads to a huge pub crawl and drunk as hell, the guy finally stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times.

Quickly he realized she'd probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning she asked him what time he got in and he tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Got away with that one!

"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock," she says.

"Why is that?" the husband asks.

"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'sh*t,' cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times, and then sang 'Danny Boy'."

2007-11-25 04:42:24 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

2007-11-25 04:25:33 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes to Ikea and buys a huge flat pack wardrobe. Once delivered she goes about the business of assembling it and she does a pretty good job she thinks until a train rumbles past and the wardrobe falls to bits. Undaunted she re-assessess the instructions and goes through them very carefully and is perfectly pleased with the result until another train rumbles by and the wardrobe collapses again. Seething by this time she phones Ikea who say that's just not possible but they'll send a chap round to have a look.

He assembles it and just as he begins to smirk at the perfect piece of work he has done, a train goes by and it all collapses again. "See?" says the woman. "Hmm, something's not right" he replies and grimly re-assembles it again just in time for another train to pass by resulting in one pile of wood again. He rebuilds it and says,"this time, I'll go inside it, maybe something will come to light from the inside." and so he steps in.

Just at that the woman's husband appears and sees the cupboard. Before his wife can explain he praises her for a good job and opens it

The embarrassed Ikea man says to the look of astonishment and anger on the husband's face, "Er, would you believe I am sitting here waiting for a train?"

2007-11-25 04:12:36 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A man and wife are settled into bed one night and his wife feels all kinda warm inside. He meantime just wants to go to sleep.

"Darling, at one time we used to hold hands all the time." she says as he lies there with his back to her.

He holds her hand for a minute and tries to fall over again.

"Darling," she coos next, "We used to kiss a lot at one time."

He snaps round pecks her on the cheek and settles himself to go to sleep again.

"Darling," she persists, "you used to nibble my ears at one time."

Raging he throws off the bed clothes and jumps out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asks him as he stomps out the room.

"To get my teeth!"

2007-11-25 03:17:49 · 16 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A man and wife are eating breakfast, just before he goes out to work.

"I'll bet you don't know what day it is today!" she says to him.

With a guilty start he responds, "Well of course I do, did you really think I could forget!" and with feigned hurt he storms off to work.

At 10am there is a knock at the door and she answers it to find a delivery man bearing the biggest bunch of red roses she had ever seen in her life.

At 12 oclock the door goes again, and this time it is a gigantic box of her favourite luxury chocolates all tied in a satin bow. At three o'clock a van arrives from the most expensive boutique in the area and delivers the most sumptious new dress she had ever seen. Attached is a card which reads, "Of course I didn't forget darling, please find attached tickets to the Opera, I know you love it."

Shocked to the core she can't wait for her husband to come in.

"Oh George, first came the roses, then the chocolates, then that gorgeous dress, And darling, how sweet you got those tickets. I know you HATE the opera."

She gives a little sigh, then smiles sweetly

"Really, this is the best Pancake Tuesday of my life!"

2007-11-25 03:15:52 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(In my next life I still want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that too.)
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older

2007-11-25 03:10:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

(In my next life I want to be a pig)

(How'd they figure this out, and why?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmmmmm........)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.

It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....)

2007-11-25 03:01:55 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah, it looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" The blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

2007-11-25 02:53:42 · 16 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.

"NO WAY," she exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

2007-11-25 02:34:32 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?




A tourist.

2007-11-25 02:32:15 · 12 answers · asked by ? 6

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
"Oh, well that's different...." she says. "Send her in!"

2007-11-25 02:31:57 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.
John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later.
George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but she sure isn't a lot better than your wife."

2007-11-25 02:23:59 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife are having a ferocious and bitter argument.

It rages over many subjects, and past deeds, as these arguments do.

The husband feels he is losing it so he goes for the jugular before slamming the door and storming down to the pub.

"Anyway, you're no damned good in bed!"

Later he comes home to find his wife in bed with the next door neighbour.

"What the hell is going on?" he thunders.

His wife replies calmly, "I'm getting a second opinion."

2007-11-25 02:21:15 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.

Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes.

2007-11-25 02:19:24 · 19 answers · asked by ? 6

Once upon a time, three vampires met in
some place in night. Apparently, each one of them was boasting about their vampiric abilities to one another.
Vampire A said, "Look at that mansion over there! I can finish all of its inhabitants in 10 minutes!"
And so he flew to the mansion, and 9 minutes later, he came back with his mouth filled with blood, looking satisfied with himself.
Vampire B then said, "Bah! Look at that village over there! Give me 5 minutes!"
He flew to the village, returned at the next 5 minutes, with his mouth filled with dripping red blood.
Vampire C then yelled, "Pfft! Look at the TOWN over there! Give me 3 minutes!"
He flew to the direction of the town, and one minute later, he returned with his mouth filled with blood.
the vampires stared at him with amazement, then immediately asked, "How come you have such speed?"
Vampire C pointed at a direction, then asked them, "Do you see a building over there?"
"Yes!" answered A and B
"Well, I DIDN'T!!!"

2007-11-25 02:17:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

2007-11-25 02:17:02 · 21 answers · asked by ? 6

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast? Maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite"

At lunch time she asked him if he would like something; "A bowl of soup, home made muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says," “really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra .I'm still not hungry."

“Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

2007-11-25 02:03:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

If my memory serves correct, the sweet pickles you eat havent gone anywhere! Thank you for answering though I think that made my day. I love it on here! Be sweet!

2007-11-25 01:34:29 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Math Is Magic .......For The "Brainy Folks"THINK OF A NUMBER BETWEEN 3 and 999.
Multiply it by 3.

Now add 5 to the result.

Take away the number you first thought of.

Now add 7.

Subtract 2.

Add back the number you first thought of.

Now, close your eyes ...

>

>

>

>

Dark , isn't it?

2007-11-25 01:25:53 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

2007-11-25 01:20:49 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some people find the use of the "F" word very distasteful. But in reality, it has been used in key moments in history:

1."What the F*** was that?!?"-Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

2."Where the F*** is all this water coming from??"-Captain of the Titanic, 1912

3."What the F*** is this rash?"- Common European villager, Pre-black plague epidemic 14th Century.

4."Who the F*** is gonna know anyway?"- Richard Nixxon, 1972.

5."What the F*** is that blinking red light about?"- MIR space Station cosmonaut, 2001.

6."What the F*** is that burnt smell?"- Hindenburg passenger, 1937.

7."Where the F*** are all these Indians coming from??"- General "Wild Bill" Custer, 1876.

2007-11-25 00:57:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

2007-11-25 00:45:35 · 25 answers · asked by Andy 1

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word yousay; talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding

2007-11-25 00:40:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his
room,so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally
typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent
the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed
into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which read:

To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: May 27 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived
and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is
as uneventful as mine was.

P.s It is damn hot down here !!

2007-11-24 23:42:58 · 22 answers · asked by More-Love 2

a.. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER!!!

c.. WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

d.. EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

e.. SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!

f.. INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running!!!

g.. SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

h.. MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

i.. CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster!!!

j.. E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

k.. VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

2007-11-24 23:34:16 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

The high school swimming class was assembled in the gym for a special announcement. The teacher said "Now kids, today a special event is being held and boys and girls will swim naked together." One boy raised his hand and said "Shoot teach, we'll be late getting out cuz the girls take too long to shower."

2007-11-24 22:49:41 · 12 answers · asked by Linda Fallsrock 2

A positive thinking gf called her bf one evening and asked "How r u?" Bf replies "I broke out in hives, I was mugged and lost my wallet, I slipped and broke my nose on the concrete, I was fired for being late, I am being evicted, my car was just repossessed, I have chiggers, crabs, lice, and just found out I also have sypholis, I just went incontinent, I am depressed, anxious, manic, and almost psychotic, and I don't qualify for welfare or assistance." Gf paused for a moment and said "So the glass is half full, right?"

2007-11-24 22:42:08 · 22 answers · asked by Linda Fallsrock 2

Youngest Son,"Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'in reality'!"
Dad,"I will show you.
Dad turns to his wife and asks her,"Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars?"
Wife,"Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity!"
Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?
Daughter,"Waow! Yes! This is my fantasy!"
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him,"Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars?"
Elder Son,"Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars!
I would never hesitate!"
So the father turns back to his younger son saying,"You see son, 'potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars,
but 'in reality' we are living with 2 bitches and 1 gay!

2007-11-24 21:31:29 · 12 answers · asked by coolfluke 3