Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

snap, crackle and________?

this is tricky

2007-11-25 09:10:54 · 16 answers · asked by Jamie H 2

2007-11-25 09:10:19 · 11 answers · asked by heybeerman4me 1

You can't lie about your age on the sex offender registry.

2007-11-25 09:07:56 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q, What do girls and tornado's have in common. A, They both moan when they come and they both take a house when they leave.

2007-11-25 08:46:01 · 11 answers · asked by Eamon 2

TEACHER: Why are you late?
BLONDY: Because of the sign teacher.TEACHER: What sign?
BLONDY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
TEACHER: BLONDY why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
BLONDY: but teacher!? You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER: JAMES, how do you spell "crocodile"?
BLONDY: "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong
BLONDY: Maybe that’s wrong, but you asked me how BLONDY spell it!
TEACHER: BLONDY, go to the map and find North America.
BLONDY: Here she is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: BLONDY
TEACHER: Now, BLONDY, tell me frankly do you say prayers, before eating?
BLONDY: No se, I don't have to, my mother is a good cook.
TEACHER: BLONDY, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
BLONDY: No, teacher, she's the same dog!
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking, when people are no longer interested? A Teacher

2007-11-25 08:43:57 · 8 answers · asked by More-Love 2

Whoever has the best joke wins.

I dont care what kind.

just make me laugh

2007-11-25 08:42:46 · 28 answers · asked by TJ R 2

A ventriloquist is doing his act and the dummy starts making fun of blondes.

Most of the audience fall about but a very well dressed blonde in the front row is not amused.

Commanding silence she stands up, and walks up to the front of the stage.

"I am sick to the back teeth of blonde jokes. I'll have you know I have a degree in Accountancy, I am a member of MENSA and I run my own tax consultancy. I have written four books that have all been best sellers in their fields AND I can complete the Times crossword in ten minutes. So no more dumb blonde jokes if you please!"

The ventriloquist, quite embarrassed, says he apologises, but it isn't meant to be taken seriously, after all it is only an act. He promises he won't do any more dumb blonde jokes that night.

Her eyes flashing, she stands there.

"Well?" she says, "Where's my apology?"

"I just apologised!" protests the ventriloquist.

"Yes I know YOU did - it's your grinning little friend's turn now!"

2007-11-25 08:14:31 · 18 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A shopkeeper is doing fine being one of the few shops of his type for miles around until one day a competitor opens up next door to him. Above the door of the new shop is a sign saying "BEST DEALS!"

At first it doesn't bother the shopkeeper, although he sees a distinct lessening of sales.

Imagine his horror when another store of the same type opens up on the other side of him. Above its door it says "WE'LL BEAT ANYONE ELSES PRICES!"

Trade to the original shopkeeper's premises plummet and he begins to panic until he hits on an idea.

The idea works, not only does herecoup his trade, but he forces the other two out of business.

How did he do it? He put a new sign above his door, scroll down to see what it read!

>

>

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>

>

>

>

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>

>

"MAIN ENTRANCE"

2007-11-25 08:09:22 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

zeebo is a 5 yr old orphan boy in africa with only 1 leg, who has to cycle to school. for a small donation of just two pounds and fifty pence you can download the video












its hilarious

2007-11-25 08:03:21 · 12 answers · asked by jennusula 1

John went fishing one day but had no luck at all. He noticed that another fisherman near him was catching fish one after another. He had to know the secret. He approached the other fisherman and said, "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?"

The other man said, "Well, I can tell you but it will do you no good , you see I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that the human tonsil works very well as bait.

The next day, John returned to the lake and, just as the day before, he had no luck. There was a different man nearby having a great time catching fish.

John approached the man and asked "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?"

"Well, I can tell you but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am a doctor and I am using a bit of human appendix as bait."

John left, thinking this was all very strange but vowed he would give the lake just one more try.

On the third day, John still had no luck. As usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish after fish.

John needed to confirm what he, by now, already knew. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?"

The other man looked around acting a little embarrassed. "Well, I can tell you but it will do you no good."

"Don't tell me," said John "your a doctor".

"No,"

said the man,

"I'm a Rabbi."

2007-11-25 08:01:22 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A man is digging his garden one day and is suprised when his spade hits an object. Grumbling at the nuisance (whilst his horrible neighbour Mr Jones giggles over the fence at him) he bends down to inspect the obstruction.

He is astonished to find it is an old bottle. He cleans off the dirt and intrigued, pulls off the cork and 'POOF!' - a genie swirls out of the bottle!

"Master, I can grant you three wishes!" says the genie, "but be aware that whatever you ask for, your enemy shall have twice the wish!"

At that Mr Jones giggles - no love has ever been lost between the two, and he can't wait for our man to start wishing!

"Well," says our man, ignoring his hated neighbour and looking at his own poor little house, "I'd like a fifty bedroomed mansion!"

The genie claps his hands and a stunning fifty bedroom mansion takes the place of his own home! Then Jones claps his hands with glee and with no little displeasure our man sees a HUNDRED bedroomed mansion in place of Jones's house.

"For my second wish," our man says thorugh gritted teeth, "I want fifty of the most beautiful women to come live with me in my mansion." and with a clap of the genie's hands he is surrounded by a dazzling bevvy of fifty gorgeous women.

Jones gives out a yell of delight and waves at our man, for he is surrounded by a HUNDRED similarly tempting, adoring females.

"And what will be your third and final wish, master?" asks the genie.

With a sly grin whilst staring out his hated neighbour, he replies,

"Take away one of my testicles!"

Jones screams...

2007-11-25 07:58:26 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who has been invited to a fancy dress party.

Now he is very nervous about his looks so he emails a fancy hire company and they send him a parcel with a note saying:

"We are pleased to send you this pirates costume, with your wooden leg it is the ideal choice."

The man is incensed at this and writes off an angry response saying the last thing he wants is attention drawn to his wooden leg.

So duly arrives another parcel with a note which says:

"Dear sir, we are sorry to have caused offence, please find enclosed a monks habit. This will hide your wooden leg, and your bald head will just be right for the look."

Our man gets fizzing at this too and he writes off with a strong rebuke for being so insensitive as to suggest he makes a parade of his baldness.

A couple of days go by and another parced arrives with a note which says:

"Dear baldy, please find enclosed a jar of mollasses. Pour this over your nut, stick your wooden leg up yer bum and go as a toffee apple."

2007-11-25 07:49:04 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A farmhand in OZ was out checking farm fences in the farm owners four-wheel drive.
About an hour had passed when the farmhand radioed in to the owner to say he had hit a pig. "The pig is stuck in the bullbars and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much that I can't get him free." he said
"O.K." said the boss, "In the back of the four wheel-drive there's a .303. put it up to the pigs head and shoot it. When it's body goes limp you'll be able to get it off the bull-bars and throw it into the bush."
About 45minutes later the farmhand called in again: "I did what you said boss, I shot the pig in the head, it went all limp and I got it out of the bull-bars no problem, but I still can't go on."
"Why not ?" asked the boss. "What's the problem?"
"Well it's his motorbike, the blue light is jammed under the wheel arch!"

2007-11-25 07:37:36 · 7 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden...POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life, better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have butter for anything for the rest of your life!"

Then POOF she was gone.

After Dave got a hold of himself,he hollered for his friend, Fred

"Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, I'm over here in the p*ssy willows."

Dave yells back...."DON'T SWING, FRED!!! For the love of God, DON'T SWING!!!"

2007-11-25 07:27:19 · 10 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen for something to eat, please do not eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised that they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "Your'e all working very hard and I'm very satisfied with you, However, one of our secretaries has disappeared, do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads "no."

After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals shouted, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything! But nooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"

2007-11-25 07:17:37 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

lol i'm bored .. so if you make me laugh...
*10* pts.!!!!!!!!! :)

2007-11-25 07:10:00 · 15 answers · asked by ♡ 4

No problems 4 the 1st few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, & things went generally well.At the next stop, however,a big hulk of a guy got on.6' 8",built like a wrestler,arms hanging down 2 the ground.He glared @ the driver & said,“Big John doesn’t pay!” & sat down @ the back.The driver was 5' 3", & thin.He didn’t argue with Big John,but he wasn’t happy about it.The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again,made a show of refusing to pay,& sat down & the next day & the next.This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.Finally he could stand it no longer.He signed up 4 body building courses, karate, judo.By the end of the summer,he had become strong,he felt really good.So,the next Monday,when Big John once again got on the bus & said,“Big John doesn’t pay!”The driver stood up,glared back at the passenger,& screamed,“Why not?”With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, “Big John has a bus pass!”;-)

2007-11-25 06:59:53 · 21 answers · asked by Sanjeev 3

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was only 51. Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butter worth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough boy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Towards the end it was said he would rise again, but alas he was no tart.

2007-11-25 06:52:44 · 16 answers · asked by j♥ 2

IT WAS ALREADY LATE FALL AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION IN SOUTH DAKOTA ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD.

SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS. W HEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULDN'T TELL WHAT THE WINTER WAS GOING TO BE LIKE.
NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.

BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND ASKED, "IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?"

"IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD," THE METEOROLOGIST AT THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED.

SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER TO BE PREPARED.

A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?"
"YES," THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, "IT 'S GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER."

THE CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.

TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?"

"ABSOLUTELY," THE MAN REPLIED. "IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS WE'VE EVER SEEN."

"HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?" THE CHIEF ASKED.

THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, "THE INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY."

2007-11-25 06:38:31 · 10 answers · asked by Tony T 4

you see your left side where other people see your right side and vice versa. Why don't you see your chin where your forehead is and vice versa?

2007-11-25 06:31:46 · 10 answers · asked by tuthutop 2

Hippoptomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is a fear of long words!

2007-11-25 06:31:03 · 12 answers · asked by •чσυ'яє [[ςρє¢ιαℓ]]• 5

Little Bobby (seven) was in love with Little Susie (same age) who lived next door.

One day, Bobby went to Susie's dad and announced (as seriously as he could), "I'm in love with Susie, and we're getting married".

Amused, Susie's dad started asking questions (in the hopes to discourage the idea).

Susie' dad: "Where will you live?"

Bobby: "Well, Susie has a playhouse in the back yard, so we're gonna live there."

Susie's dad: "How are you going to make money to support her?"

Bobby: "Well, Susie gets 75 cents a week, and I get $1.25 a week." "That should be more than enough!"

Seeing that Bobby was still serious, Susie's dad asked, "Well, what about children?"

Bobby perked up and quickly answered, "Oh, we have that figured out already. Whenever Susie lays an egg, I'm gonna stomp on it!"

2007-11-25 06:23:50 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

i saw this on some1 elses but they used b....
think of 1 word that starts with T !!!
ill start it...
tiki

2007-11-25 06:16:11 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to
learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry,
but mostly to see the horses.




When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the
boys would go with the other.




Female teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside
the men's room when one of the boys came out and told
her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with
their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by
one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct
the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that
he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in the 5th grade."
No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the
jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race

2007-11-25 05:47:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

... A blonde steps into an elevator, smiles at the man already
on, and says, " T-G-I-F."
The man smiles and says, " S-H-*-T."
The blonde smiles back and replies, " T-G-I-F."
The man again smiles and says, " S-H-*-T."
The blonde looks confused. She answers the man, and says,
"Thank goodness its Friday."
The man smiles and replies, "Sorry honey, its Thursday."

2007-11-25 05:44:38 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.


(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out
to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before
it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour


(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copu late while its head
is attached to its body. The female
initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

2007-11-25 05:39:58 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Always remember that it takes
a college degree to fly a plane but only a
high school diploma to fix one!




Reassurance for all those of us who fly routinely in our
jobs.




After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called
a "gripe sheet, "
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct
the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe
sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said
that ground crews
lack a sense of humor.




Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted
by the pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.




P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

2007-11-25 05:36:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets.
Ugly: You had a
vasectomy five years ago.




2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants
a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.




3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's
involved with the
woman next door. Ugly: So are you.




4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your
wife can't find
her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.




5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's
a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.




6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to
your 10 year old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.




7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another
man.
Ugly:He's your best friend.
8. Good: Your 15-year-old daughter got a new job. Bad: As
a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly:
She makes more money than you do

2007-11-25 05:31:29 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

The woman applying for a job in a Florida
lemon grove
seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss, " said the foreman, "have
you any actual
experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.
"I've
been divorced three times."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell
me
the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."

2007-11-25 05:26:59 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome".
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual".

2007-11-25 05:25:30 · 10 answers · asked by Greybeard 7