Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Dear IT Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate Housewife

2007-11-01 07:13:41 · 5 answers · asked by Alexiolim 6

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called the world. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.

There now.......feeling better?

2007-11-01 07:12:39 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"

He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."

She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."

St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."

2007-11-01 07:11:02 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-11-01 07:01:57 · 17 answers · asked by Wind 3

and they only can have 4 letters in the word, itself.

Boy Name:
Girl Name:
Alcoholic drink:
Occupation:
Something you wear:
Celebrity:
Food:
Reason for Being Late:
Something You Shout:

2007-11-01 06:46:20 · 8 answers · asked by carol h 1

i'm squigy and come in all fruity flavours, what am i?

(first person that gets the answer get the 10 points).

2007-11-01 06:35:42 · 4 answers · asked by casey 5

Read the following out loud:

*************
******A******
****BIRD****
***IN THE***
*THE BUSH*
***************



Did you say "A bird in the bush"...? Well, you failed to see the word "the" is repeated twice!

Try this one.

Count every "F" in the following sentence.

*************************************
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
*************************************



How many did you count?


Did you count 3?


Well, you're wrong.
Go back and look again.

There are actually 6! No joke.

The reasoning behind this is that
the normal brain cannot process "OF".
It thinks of the "F" in "OF" as more of a "V",
since it creates that sound.

They say if you can count 6 the first time, you're a GENIUS! If you counted 5...really smart. If you counted 4... above average. 3 is NORMAL, don't worry. 2 or below... u need help.

Send me a STAR if you liked it!

2007-11-01 06:31:25 · 9 answers · asked by Wind 3

2007-11-01 06:16:13 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

16D15-64H48-
144L80-256P112

2007-11-01 05:43:06 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I''m afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

2007-11-01 05:26:51 · 6 answers · asked by HipHopGrandma 7

I was looking at a poster which showed movies scheduled to be shown free to the public. Someone got the bright idea to order them in this way.

The Maltese Falcon
To Kill A Mockingbird.

2007-11-01 05:10:39 · 16 answers · asked by 29 characters to work with...... 5

Consider the following and calculate {8-1} = [?]
0+7= 0 6+2=8 2+4=8 9+1= 9
4+5= 9 7+3= 3 5+6= 6 5+1=9
8- 1=
Can you figure out the answer?

2007-11-01 04:55:34 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok, count every "F" in the following sentence. Really take a minute and make sure you get every one, then read below for the answer:

*************************************
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
*************************************



How many did you count?


Did you count 3?


Well, you're wrong.


Go back and look again.


There are actually 6! No joke.


The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".


If you counted 6, congratulations. You are a genius, or pretty d@mn close.

2007-11-01 04:33:23 · 20 answers · asked by Wind 3

2007-11-01 04:28:33 · 4 answers · asked by Roger S 2

Nevada
It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.


New Jersey
Drivers are required to beep their car horns before passing another vehicle.
If convicted of driving while intoxicated, you permanently lose the option of registering for a vanity license plate.
North Carolina
In Dunn, North Carolina, it is illegal to drive on a sidewalk.
Ohio
In Oxford, Ohio, authorities will ticket you if you consecutively drive around the town square more than 100 times.
Keep in mind that if your car breaks down and you phone for a cab, you will be ticketed if you opt to ride on the cab's roof.


Oklahoma
It is considered illegal to read a comic book while driving.


Oregon
You will be ticketed if you leave your car door open longer than is deemed necessary.
You will be slapped with a Class A traffic violation if you use your car on an Oregon highway to prove your physical endurance.
It is illegal to pump your own gas.


Pennsylvania
If you spy a team of approaching horses, you are required by law to pull to the side of the road and cover your car with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted or sewn to blend into the scenery. But, if the horses react skittish to your efforts, you are then required to disassemble your car and hide the parts in the nearby underbrush.


South Carolina
In Hilton Head, South Carolina, you cannot leave trash in your vehicle out of fear of attracting rats.


Tennessee
It is illegal to fire a gun at any wild game other than whales from a moving car.
West Virginia
It is perfectly legal, for road maintenance purposes, to scavenge road kill.

2007-11-01 04:21:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cucumber and a pickle were having a conversation.

The pickle said to the cucumber, "I got it bad man, everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get seasoned and put in a jar."

The cucumber said to the pickle, "Well everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get chopped up and out over salad."

The penis walks by and overhears them and says, "I got it worse than you both. When I get big, fat and juicy I get put in a dark, smelly room and they make me do push-ups till I throw up."

2007-11-01 03:43:43 · 4 answers · asked by disdaggoodlyf45 2

how come when you mix flour and water togather, you get glue.

then you add eggs and sugar, and you get cake

where did the glue go?

you know darn well where it went!!

thats what makes the cake stick to your butt.

2007-11-01 03:20:29 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

2007-11-01 03:04:48 · 10 answers · asked by dgclip1981 2

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who's used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.

What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.

Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger's neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right.

Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn't a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.

This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're standing next to one.

Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.

It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.

It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don't get taken for walks.

They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn't put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.

All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.

2007-11-01 03:01:10 · 8 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

2007-11-01 02:59:54 · 15 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

little johnnys neighbour had a baby.
But he was born without any ears.
Johnny and his mum and dad went to visit the baby, and johnny was warned not to mention its ears or he would get a spanking.
Johnny looked in the cot and said What a lovely baby. Lovely feet, hands, and skin. Hows his eyesight?
The babys mother said it was perfect.
Thats great, cos he`d be ****** if he needed glasses!!

2007-11-01 02:02:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. "The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.


Pls star if u think it's funny..

2007-11-01 00:32:53 · 8 answers · asked by Hope 6