Upgrade - good joke for relationship problem couple?

Question

Dear IT Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate Housewife

Reply:
Dear Desperate Housewife,

First keep in mind:
Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Tasty Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
IT Support

Answer 1

This is long but I think its worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
~David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
~Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
~Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
~Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
~Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
~Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
~Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
~Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
~James Holt McGavran

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
~James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
~Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
~Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
~Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
~Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
~Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
~Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
~Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
***

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
***

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
***

Young son:
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
***

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
***

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence
***


Just think, if it weren't for marriage,
men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
***

First guy:
"My wife's an angel!"
Second guy:
"You're lucky, mine's still alive."
***
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
***
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop
with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the
ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies,
"If you would’ve put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

THE FIRST AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

THE 2ND AFFAIR
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been
fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

THE THIRD AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

THE FOURTH AFFAIR
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

THE FIFTH AFFAIR
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.. He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

THE 6TH AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
When she says=She actually meant…
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
11. My best friend showed me the diamond ring her husband gave her. = Buy me a ring that’s more expensive than hers.
12. I need to change the curtain = I want to buy new curtain, a new couch to match it, and living room make over.


MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

Answer 2

Funny! 10!

Answer 3

Good one!

Answer 4

hahaha funny

Answer 5

That was good.