Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

One day, Quasimodo decides that he wants to go on a holiday so he asks his brother if he'd look after the bells at Notredame for a week.
Quasimodo leads him up to the belfry. "The bell-cords rotted through years ago," he says, " so I have to ring the bells from up here."
"Well," says Quasi, "I run at the bells, and hit them with my head like this...". bashing the nearest bell with his forehead which makes a beautiful loud ring.
After a few demonstrations, the brother decides to have a go. He runs up towards a bell, smacks his head against it and it makes a lovely ring but unfortunately it also gives him concussion. He staggers around the belfry for a moment before falling out down to the pavement below. As Quasimodo peers over the edge he can see a crowd of people gathering around the scene.
"Who is it?" says one.
"I'm not sure, but the face rings a bell," says another.
"Yes - he's a dead ringer for Quasimodo," says a third.
"No. I think it's his brother," says the second person, "I had a hunch he was back."

2007-11-04 18:41:53 · 14 answers · asked by Jonathan V 7

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.

The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.

Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."

So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.

The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

2007-11-04 18:40:46 · 14 answers · asked by Ms Medieval 7

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave one night and jumped in a cab to follow her. He soon found out she was working in a whorehouse.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"

The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?"

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse, grab his wife and bring her into the cab.

So the cabbie goes in, and a couple of minutes later the whorehouse door is kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging a woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.

The cabbie opens the door, throws the girl inside and tells the man, "Hold her!"

The man looks down at the girl and screams to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!"

The cabbie replies, "I know, she's mine; I'm going back in for yours."

2007-11-04 18:35:56 · 15 answers · asked by Ms Medieval 7

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

2007-11-04 18:31:26 · 19 answers · asked by Ms Medieval 7

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2004 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "

2007-11-04 18:29:13 · 15 answers · asked by Ms Medieval 7

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

2007-11-04 18:21:28 · 20 answers · asked by Ms Medieval 7

once a man and a woman were getting divorced.they had a child so they went to the court....
judge to th woman: what would u like to say from ur side?
woman:i brought the child to the world, i showed him a new way and brought him up in every conditions so he will stay and live with me after divorce.

man: i put a coin into a coke machine and can of coke comes out.whose can is ti?mine or the machine's?????



a boy was crying in a diagnostic centre.another little boy came and asked the reason.
boy1:i came 4 blood test and they cut my finger to get the blood.boo boo
boy 2 also started crying
boy 1: y r u crying?
boy 2: i hv come 4 urine test.



a teacher was conducting an experiment.she kept a worm in 4 jars containing soil,tobacco,alcohol and sperm respectively.
after 3 days-
the worm in alcohol,tobacoo and sperm had died and the worm in soil was alive.
teacher:- tom what did u conclude?
tom:-as long a man smokes,drinks and has sex, he will not hv worms.
coment it.

2007-11-04 18:18:58 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your *** in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."

2007-11-04 18:17:15 · 21 answers · asked by Ms Medieval 7

please no perverted answers

2007-11-04 17:50:02 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two hicks from West Virginia got married and were having their honeymoon in a local motel. They begin doing what honeymooners always do, but right before they consummate the marriage the woman says, "Be gentle, I'm a virgin."



The man is shocked and visibly upset and storms out of the room without saying a word. He goes home to his family and tells them what happened, and his dad agrees, "If she isn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for you!"

2007-11-04 17:37:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

using these letters:

kcodlywrorm

2007-11-04 16:43:53 · 23 answers · asked by Emerence 2

2007-11-04 15:54:54 · 10 answers · asked by Pooh 2

What is it?

2007-11-04 15:39:34 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

>A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as
> a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She
> went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
> any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will
> you charge?"
>
> The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her
> that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
> The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
> her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way
> around the house?"
>
> The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
>
> A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
> money.
> "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered,
> "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man
> reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde
> added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

2007-11-04 15:27:55 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

i seriously need to know i wanna buy it lol

2007-11-04 15:16:32 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-04 15:08:59 · 11 answers · asked by EmeryJae 2

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol...Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, " You're pitching on Friday."

2007-11-04 14:55:11 · 3 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

2007-11-04 14:23:25 · 15 answers · asked by ViRgiNia 1

It is a What Am I puzzle. Mad about money,
My name might suggest.
But good things about nothing
Describes me the best.

2007-11-04 14:22:11 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they don't smell and are quite silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Please take two of these pills each day, and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor, she says, I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts - though still silent-really stink terribly."

The doctor replied, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing... "

2007-11-04 14:20:45 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices our Little Johnny trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, Little Johnny is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching Little Johnny’s efforts for some time, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”

To which Little Johnny replies, “Now we run!”

2007-11-04 13:11:21 · 26 answers · asked by ♥ 2

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer’s garden. “I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato,” said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

“No,” said the farmer, “I get a dime for a tomato like that one.”

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, “Will you take two pennies for that one?”

“Yes,” replied the farmer, “I’ll give you that one for two cents.”

“OK,” said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer’s hand, “I’ll pick it up in about a week.”

2007-11-04 13:09:25 · 17 answers · asked by ♥ 2

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny.

May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, Little Johnny whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again Little Johnny whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child., "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered Little Johnny.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering Little Johnny.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice Little Johnny answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, Little Johnny replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"

2007-11-04 13:06:29 · 6 answers · asked by candi 3

That's the whole riddle. What is the classical response (the correct answer)?

2007-11-04 13:00:07 · 3 answers · asked by Ultraviolet Oasis 7

About 5 minutes later a big Hairy Biker came in and slipped up on the same Turd,

I said "I just did that"

So he beat the Cr@p out of me!

2007-11-04 11:48:12 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-04 11:39:06 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Drinking battery acid,
and the other for eating Fireworks.

The police Charged one and let the other one off!

2007-11-04 11:37:29 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Blokes in south Africa were on a cliff pulling up a Black man from the sea with a length of rope,

A vicar walks by and says:

"That's what I like to see, Man helping fellow man, whatever his colour or creed, May God bless you "

As he walks a way one bloke says to the other:

"That Vicar, He's a good man..........
but he knows F##k all about Shark fishing!"

2007-11-04 11:29:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30 SO EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25 SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5. ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR HIMSELF. THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29. WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

2007-11-04 11:23:37 · 6 answers · asked by Dusty 1

I really wanted a screamer or a moaner!

2007-11-04 11:00:17 · 23 answers · asked by Plato 5