Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

hmm?

2007-11-04 10:52:48 · 9 answers · asked by Diana Z 1

it leaves your groin unprotected!

2007-11-04 10:46:47 · 15 answers · asked by Plato 5

than to open your mouth and prove it!

2007-11-04 10:41:39 · 19 answers · asked by Plato 5

Bus load of nuns die in a crash and go to heaven. St peter asks the first nun have you ever had contact with a penis? she says "i touched one with my finger once" St peter says "dip it in holy water."
He then asks the next nun " i fondled one" she replied. "put your hand in holy water" he replied.
suddenly there's a commotion, a nun has pushed to the front, st peter asks whats up?
"if i have to gargle that holy water i want to do it before sister mary sticks her a**e in it!"

2007-11-04 09:19:48 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!



What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.



What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Internet

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman



How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.



How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.



How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your d1ck.



What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.



Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of t1ts in there.



How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.



Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.



Why did God create woman ?

To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.



Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.



What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.



If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long



How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.



Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.



Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.



How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'



How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.



Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.



If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.



What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told



I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.



Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.



Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.



Women will never be equal to men...

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.



In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

2007-11-04 08:29:34 · 13 answers · asked by Tony T 4

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 am. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
He took care of everything." The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly,
Peter, Peter, the something eater."

2007-11-04 08:00:06 · 7 answers · asked by prplfae 6

One day a man comes in to my bar, he sits in front of me and asks for sagria. I give it to him. I hear moonlight sonata coming from him. I ask him if his phones ringing he sighs and says no. He takes a tiny piano and man who couldn't of been taller than a 10 inches, starts playing. I asked him where'd he get the little man he says that a found a genie who would grant him one wish. *in my mind i thought that he made a stupid wish* but i kept my mouth shut.

"I asled the genie for a 10 inch penis"

2007-11-04 07:52:50 · 9 answers · asked by D 2

they really end a sentence dont they.

lmao

2007-11-04 07:41:59 · 9 answers · asked by <3 3

Did u hear about the 2 blondes that walked into a building?

YOU THINK ONE OF THEM WOULD HAVE SEEN IT!

2007-11-04 07:10:04 · 11 answers · asked by 2k1gb 1

This is the message in an answering machine in a mental Health hospital: "Thank you for calling the Mental Health Institute, the healthiest company for the craziest times. If you are obcesive-compulsive, press repeatly the 1. If you are co-dependant sked to someone else to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6. If you are a paranoic, we already know who you are, what you do and what you want, so please remaind on the line meanwhile we track your call. If you are suffering allusinations, press the 7 in that gigant phone of colors that you, and just you, can see to your right. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefuly that little voice inside your head that will tell you what number you have to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, you'll get nothing out of your misserable situation. If you are suffering indecision, leave your message after...listening the tone, before the tone, during the tone, any ways, wait for the tone.

2007-11-04 07:00:52 · 9 answers · asked by Javy 7

A blonde was experimenting with a cockroach, she cut one of its legs and ordered it to move.The cockroach began moving slowly. One more leg was cut, the cockroach obviously moved slower. One more gone, now the cockroach really wont move. She continued this until all its legs were gone. Then she asked it to walk, but it aint budging.

Content with her findings she wrote the conclusion: If all the legs of a cockroach are cut, it loses its ability to hear

2007-11-04 06:32:30 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

After church on Sunday morning, Little Johnny suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us," his mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," Little Johnny replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."

2007-11-04 06:19:34 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

2007-11-04 06:01:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

2007-11-04 05:56:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-04 05:46:32 · 2 answers · asked by finest_man_in_fl 1

As told by the Blonde...How many Brunets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One

2007-11-04 05:36:58 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, What the hell was that for? The officer answers, You're in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here. The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's OK. He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick. The passenger asks, What'd you do that for? The officer says, Just making your wish come true. The passenger asks, Making what wish come true? The officer says, I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, I wish that @sshole would've tried that sh*t with me.

2007-11-04 05:11:22 · 11 answers · asked by beanerjr 5

Mine are:
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, because the dark is afraid of him.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding
The sun doesn't go down, it hides from Chuck Norris

2007-11-04 04:08:54 · 7 answers · asked by The Broken Doll 4

Three guys die and go to heaven. At the gate, St. Peter tells them, "We're going to give you each a vehicle based on how faithful you were in your relationships."
The first guy says, "I never strayed." St. Peter gives him a Rolls-Royce. The second man says, "When I was young, I cheated. But I was completely faithful to my last girlfriend." St. Peter figures that counts for something, and gives him a Pontiac. The third man says, "I hit on everyone I could, all the time." St. Peter rolls out an old motorcycle. Later, the man on the motorcycle sees the guy with the Rolls crying. He pulls up and says, "Hey, what's the matter?"
"I just saw my girlfriend go by," says the guy in the Rolls, sobbing. "She was on roller skates!"

LOL. Please, no harsh comments. Star if you like the joke!!

2007-11-04 03:57:39 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-04 03:46:22 · 10 answers · asked by xo_preciouspink_xo 1

A Pteri with a light appetite could not finish his Rainbow Melt Pizza. In fact, he could only eat exactly half of it.

If the diameter of the pizza was 50cm, and the half-pizza was a perfect semicircle, what is the area of the smallest square box, in square centimetres, that could contain the half pizza? Please disregard the thickness of the box, round to the nearest whole number

2007-11-04 03:29:28 · 4 answers · asked by Echoed Eternity 1

2007-11-04 03:22:46 · 10 answers · asked by I ♥ VJC! 1

ok so in math i have this extra credit sheet. u have to figure out what the 7-letter word its. i got all the letters but idk what the word is. anyone can help me? the letters are

A C M N O P S

please just give me the answer and how u fiugred it out!! thanks!

2007-11-04 02:07:42 · 9 answers · asked by Cindy 3

i wanna get 100 answers the best one i will be the best answerer

2007-11-04 01:56:18 · 24 answers · asked by Joe M 1

It has ben known for many years that s*x is good exercise,but untill recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different se*ual activities.Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results:

Removing her clothes:
With her consent.....12 calories
Without her consent.....187 calories

Opening her bra:
With both hands.....8 calories
with one hand.....12 calories
With your teeth.....85 calories

Putting on a condom:
With an ere*tion.....6 calories
Without an ere*tion.....315 calories

Positions:
Missionary.....12 calories
*9 lying down.....78 calories
6* standing up.....112 calories
Wheelbarrow.....216 calories
Dog*y style.....328 calories
Italian chandelier.....936 calories

Orga*sms:
Real.....142 calories
False.....452 calories

Post org*sm
Lying in bed hugging.....18 calories
getting up immediately.....46 calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately..... 924 calories

2007-11-04 01:31:40 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

which nationality do you think i am ...............
only one guess ....
also guess my height n weight ......

2007-11-04 01:29:42 · 8 answers · asked by amazed !!! 4

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender.

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see, Sister," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out".

2007-11-04 01:46:27 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was engaged to be married and was very much in love with his fiancee. He was troubled, though, because he also felt attracted to her younger sister who dressed provocatively and was often flirtatious with him.

A week before the wedding the man went to his girlfriend's house to talk about details of the reception. Before he could knock, the door was opened by the younger sister who invited him inside. She flirted more openly than ever and finally came out and said, "I've always thought you were really hot and that my sister was so lucky to catch you. I'm a little jealous, though and I'd love to find out what she'll be enjoying on her wedding night. If you're interested in one last fling, I'll be upstairs in my room. " With a scorching come hither look, she headed upstairs.

The man immediately turned on his heel, opened the front door and made a bee line for his car.

Whereupon he was greeted by the bride's entire family applauding and cheering. His future father-in-law clapped him on the back and said, "Congratulations on passing our little test and welcome to the family!"

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

2007-11-04 01:41:31 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to a dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to numb the area. And the patient says "No way! No needles! I hate needles!"
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the patient then says, "I can't do the gas thing! The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asked the patient if he has any objection to taking a Pill, and the patient says "No," "I am fine with pills!" The dentist says "Here! Take this Viagra tablet!"
The patient says "Wow!" "I didn't know Viagra works as a pain pill!"
The dentist says, "It doesn't!", "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

2007-11-04 01:22:51 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things That Can Drive A Sane Person Insane:
• The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper that never works.
• There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
• You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic tag in the middle of them.
• The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
• The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
• There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
• You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
• There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING!
• You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
• Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
• You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
• You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

2007-11-04 01:19:45 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous