Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1.

One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph.

Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low flying exercise over the Borders district, approaching from the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

‘Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.

Good Day...

2007-11-05 01:33:45 · 25 answers · asked by Jim 7

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

2007-11-05 01:23:50 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old Native Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two Government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the Government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Natives were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, and all night having sex."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

2007-11-05 01:08:59 · 13 answers · asked by Jim 7

In your future and in your past
I come and go so senseless and fast
My purpose is unknown to all
Remembrance seems to drift then fall
I travel by night and fade by day
Because that is my common way

What am I?

2007-11-05 00:36:41 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-05 00:01:17 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

... On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."
The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket. Before he rode off he said,
"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

2007-11-04 23:49:21 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.


He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need...a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...Size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see ... Size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!!!"

New Suit - $400
New Shirt - $36
New Underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

2007-11-04 23:35:20 · 23 answers · asked by Jim 7

they are the only ones that have all five vowels in order :
A, E, I, O, U.

first one to get it right...or makes me laugh the hardest :) gets 10 points

2007-11-04 23:04:01 · 12 answers · asked by Taz 5

A young red head goes into the doctors, and says doctor my whole body hurts when ever i touch it,, impossible says the doctor , show me, the red head took her finger pushed on her shoulder and screamed, she then pushed on her knee screamed again, every where she touched she screamed the doctor said young lady your not really a red head are you, well no she replies im actually a blond, i thought so the doctor said your finger is broken ,,,,,,,, star me if its good,,,,,,

2007-11-04 23:01:19 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here." The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

2007-11-04 23:01:18 · 18 answers · asked by Capt. Jack Sparrow 3

A girl was visiting her blond friend who just got two puppys, the girl said to the blond what have you called them, the blond says Rolex and Timex the girl says whoever heard of naming dogs like that, hellooooo said the blond they are watch dogs............ star me if it was good.....

2007-11-04 22:54:34 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blonds were talking one night when one asks"which is farther, florida or the moon"? The other blond replies "duh!!!!can you see florida?"

2007-11-04 22:53:57 · 8 answers · asked by GoldenHaze 3

The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."

On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.

A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle

2007-11-04 22:50:34 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks if he could see her license, she replies in a huff, i wish you guys would get your act together , just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it,,,, star me if you think it was good.....

2007-11-04 22:50:30 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ablond pushes her BMW into a gas station , she tells the mechanic it just died, after he works on it for a few minutes, she says so whats the story, he replies just crap in the carburetor, she says how often do i have to do that,,,,,, star me if you think it was good.....

2007-11-04 22:47:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A visitor, returning to Iraq for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about five paces behind their husbands. She observed that the men now walked over twenty paces behind their wives!
She approached one of the women for an explanation. ‘What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?’





























‘Land Mines.’ Replies the Iraq woman.

2007-11-04 22:45:16 · 22 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, one blond says to another which do you think is the farther away, Florida or the Moon, the other blond says hellooooooo can you see Florida,,, star me if you think this was good...........

2007-11-04 22:42:45 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boyfriend and girlfriend were playing hid and seek in the garden. The girl says, ‘If you can find me, you can lick my f**ny and sh*g me up the a**e. If you can’t find me in the garden shed.

2007-11-04 22:42:44 · 20 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

A teenage girl asks her mom, ‘Is it true babies come out of where boys put their p*nis?’ ‘Yes’ says mom. ‘F**kin hell’ says the girl ‘Won’t that break my jaw?’

2007-11-04 22:41:55 · 34 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

An elderly couple are at the doctors, the husband is a little hard at hearing is asked by the doctor for a urine sample, a **** sample, and a semen sample, the old man turns to his wife and asks ‘what did he say?’ The wife replies ‘He needs your underpants.

2007-11-04 22:40:53 · 22 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

The Wedding Night Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night
together. In the morning Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets
up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school,
he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mum replies, "I don't want to hear what
you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mum, "Are
Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mum replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are
Fred and Mary up yet?" His Mum says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mum replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave
him my airplane glue."


========

2007-11-04 22:34:00 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Atomic Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with a fire at one end and a fool at the
other.

Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing
can be done together.

Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he/she got
the biggest piece.

Conference:
The confusion of one man/woman multiplied by the number present.

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later
on.

Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest of us... Except that he/she got caught.

Dictionary:
A book where divorce comes before marriage.

Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look
forward to the trip.

2007-11-04 22:28:14 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

After getting Pope's entire luggage loaded into the limo,(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

2007-11-04 22:18:53 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are driving at constant speed.
On your left is a sheer drop......on your right is a fire engine, travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig, the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it!
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level, also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?...........................

Get your drunken **** off the kiddies merry-go-round!

2007-11-04 22:06:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

> > IN MY NEXT LIFE!
> >
> > I want to live my next life backwards:
> >
> > You start out dead and get that out of the way;
> >
> > Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day;
> >
> > Then you get kicked out for being too healthy;
> >
> > Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension;
> >
> > Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day;
> >
> > You work 40 years until you're too young to work;
> >
> > You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally
> > promiscuous;
> >
> > Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no
> > responsibilities;
> >
> > Then you become a baby, and then ... You spend your last 9 months floating
> > peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room
> > service on tap, and then ...
> >
> > You finish off as an Orgasm.
> >
> > I rest my case.

2007-11-04 21:22:28 · 9 answers · asked by PC 7

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
"See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!"

2007-11-04 21:21:35 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

God Loves Blondes



A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and
she's in serious financial straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to
pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I
don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
win the lotto."


That night the blonde dreams she wins the lotto.
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
The next day she prays... "God, please let me
win the lotto! I've lost my business my house
and I'm going to lose my car as well."


Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my
business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often
ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE
just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in
order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the
heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the
voice of God Himself...



"Sweetheart,
work with Me on this...........
Buy a ticket."

2007-11-04 21:16:56 · 12 answers · asked by PC 7

During a recent Tuesday outing, Marilyn sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Marilyn stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"

2007-11-04 21:09:16 · 11 answers · asked by jake5282 2

I need cheering up, if you could make me laugh it would be much appreciated!

2007-11-04 20:53:16 · 27 answers · asked by scouse princess 4

Just wondering.

2007-11-04 20:14:52 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous