Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Ok so you traveling down a road to the next town and you come to a fork in the road, one leads to certain death and the other leads t the town but you dont know which road is which, in between the fork in the road are two men ones a lier the other ones a truth teller but u dont know which one is which you can only ask one question , what do u ask? P.S. If u ask which ones the truth teller then you wont be able to ask which road to take and reverse so dont ask which road is which cause if u ask the lier then hell lead u the wrong way and u dont know which guy is which so. I already figurerd this riddle out i juits want to see if any1 else can

2007-11-05 07:04:53 · 8 answers · asked by boxxermann 2

Nothing out right crude, just a little sexual

2007-11-05 06:42:11 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-05 06:33:44 · 20 answers · asked by Freeway Ricky Ross 2

a kindergardener asked her teacher if it was possible to be swallowed by a whale. The teacher replied and said no you can'not be swallowed by a whale. So the little girl replied well Johna was swallowed by a whale. Agian the teacher told her you cant be swallowed by a whale. So the girl says well when i get to heaven ill ask johna. What if he went to hell?
The teacher asked...Then you ask him the little girl replied.

2007-11-05 06:28:08 · 14 answers · asked by Teaser 3

Speaking of yarn, it’s EVERYWHERE this month, because craft fairs spring up during the holidays. To a guy, yarn is the gateway to Napville. Nothing in a guy’s world is made of it. (Think yarn guitar, yarn football, Yarn Warrior video game. )

Yet craft fairs are a Yarn-o-Rama! They’re bursting with it. In fact, craft fairs are loaded with materials most guys don’t even know exist—and might even fear. (I get mysteriously nervous around Velcro.)

My wife, Sally, and I went to a craft fair recently, and it was like I stumbled into a new world. I mean, I used a glue gun for the first time last week and was amazed:

Thought #1: Wow! The glue stick goes in a solid and comes out a liquid!

Thought #2: I wonder if I can cram cheese into this? I’d be the Snack King!

We passed hundreds of tables of millions of crafts made of billions of snaps, buttons, fabrics, fried eggs, moustaches. . . . Then it hit me: Girls have secret craft powers! They can find ANYTHING and make something out of it—just like that MacGyver guy! A crumpled wrapper, lint, goat hooves and a jar of gravy somehow become a wreath. A noodle and motor oil become a Christmas ornament. How do they do it?!

Really, some crafts are clever and, I’ll bravely admit, cute even, although I think I learned a shortcut to cuteness—just glue googly eyes to something. Seriously, take a rock. Add googly eyes. Now it’s a cute craft! It works with anything: pinecones, cotton balls, even bratwurst.

Some guys can handle “cute” stuff. But there’s this line where cute becomes “too cute,” and strange things happen inside of a guy such as dizziness, stomach problems or the desire to grow mangos. Here’s an example:

Cute: Stuffed puppy (bow around neck may cross the line)

Too Cute: Fluffy bear covered in flowers, wearing an apron with geese on it, holding hearts and sunflowers. (Bring on the mangos!)

One thing I REALLY liked about the craft fair is that food = craft. Cookies, fudge, candy—now that’s a craft! Except it seems like craft fairs have some small print in the rulebook that says, “All foods must contain nuts.” Brownies with nuts. Caramels with nuts. Nut logs rolled in nuts, topped with ground nuts, packed in a bag made of pressed nuts. If you don’t like nuts, you’re stuck eating a handful of homemade jam (probably nut- flavored).

This makes it even harder for guys to go to craft fairs. Maybe there could be special ones such as “Hot Dog Fest,” “Stuff Made Out of Engine Parts Fair” or the “Homemade Fireworks Fiesta” with a sign posted outside: NO NUTS OR FLUFFY BEARS ALLOWED.

But maybe craft fairs just need a hipper image (see list above). There could be some cool new reality TV show like “Craft Island” where contestants are surrounded only by sand, a harmonica, a strip of denim and a cup of bacon bits. Then, somehow, one of them makes her own homemade yarn, builds a 40-foot yacht out of it and escapes! I’ll start working on the script today—right after I finish sticking this cheese into Sally’s glue gun.

2007-11-05 05:43:50 · 10 answers · asked by Jolene 2

Does Hillary Clinton have cooties?
So, my girlfriend and I were doing a search on the origin of the term, "cooties" and suddenly this question pops into my head.

Does Hillary Clinton have cooties? The facts show that her own husband would rather be with Monica than her.... so? hmmm...

When we were children it started with all of the other gender having cooties, and over time only the less clean children had cooties. Now that we are adults the cooties must have gone somewhere...

(Forgive me for this question. As a 27 year old man I should be more serious, but unfortunately I have a great sense of humor which becomes exponentially sillier after i've had large quantities of sugar. It should thusly be noted that I just ate a half dozen custard donuts and 8 strawberry pixie sticks.) ;-)

2007-11-05 05:36:04 · 10 answers · asked by ? 4

People say blonde people are stupid but in all jokes ive read it refers to a blonde woman not a man.

Why is this, please don't say this sexist junk about men are smarter than woman.... thanks

2007-11-05 05:12:31 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

LOVE STORY: I will seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And when I am finished, you will be weak for days. All my love, The Flu.

Get your mind out of the gutter, and go get a flu shot!

2007-11-05 04:54:38 · 19 answers · asked by FRANsuFU 3

2007-11-05 04:37:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

2007-11-05 04:26:46 · 16 answers · asked by lil one 3

clean or rude...don't mind!

2007-11-05 04:26:08 · 17 answers · asked by mmmmyeah 3

An office manager had too much to drink at a party and embarassed himself in front of his boss. His wife recalled the events the following morning.
You're behavious was atrocious. At one point you went straight up to your boss and started poking him in the stomach whilst hurling abuse at him, she said.

Are you serious, he replied.

Yes. Your colleagues were shocked, she said.

Well, said the husband, it serves him right, he's an a*sehole. Piss on him!

You did, said the wife, and he sacked you.

Really. Well fu*k him.

I did, said the wife calmly. You're back at work on Monday.

2007-11-05 04:16:44 · 14 answers · asked by Jessie 2

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

2007-11-05 03:54:34 · 13 answers · asked by Nosferatu 5

sooooo very true!!!
WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.. and for some
reason, that's ok.

2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling
our arses while yelling "WOO-HOO" is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's **** and
honestly believe we could do it too.

4. In our last trip to pee, we realise that we now look more like
a homeless hooker than the goddess we started out as just 4 hours ago.

5. We drop our 3am submarine sandwich/pizza slice/chips and cheese on the
floor, pick it up and continue eating it like its nobody's
business -30 second rule.

6.We start crying and declare to everyone we see, including
people we barely know, that we love them SOOOO MUCH.

7. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new
song comes on because "OH MY GOD, I LOVE THIS SONG!"

2007-11-05 03:49:31 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

GW
JA
TJ
JM
JM
JQA
AJ
MVB
WHH
JT
JKP
ZT
MF
FP
JB
AL
AJ
USG
RBH
JG
CAA
GC
BH
GC
WM
TR
WHT
WW
WGH
CC
HH
( blank )
HST
DDE
JFK
LBJ
RN
GF
JC
RR
JHWB
BC
JWB

find the missing letters in the *blank* space
HINT : there are 43 complete rows

2007-11-05 03:34:26 · 24 answers · asked by Matthew M 2

A woman went to see a s*x therapist with a peculiar problem.

"My husband," she said, "always falls asleep with his erect p*nis inside of me."

"Is that a problem?" asked the therapist.

"Well," she said, "the problem is he walks in his sleep!"

2007-11-05 03:15:42 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

2007-11-05 03:13:59 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road!" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this questions denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

2007-11-05 03:08:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)

2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)

4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)

5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)

6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)

7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)

8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)

9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")

10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)

2007-11-05 03:06:12 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.

2. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

3. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

4. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

5. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

6. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

7. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

11. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

12. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.

13. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

14. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

15. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

16. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

17. A .44 Magnum beats four aces.

2007-11-05 03:04:10 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

1
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

2
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

3
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

4
The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."

5
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

6
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

7
Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you."
Woman: (tries to ignore him)
Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?"
Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?"
Man: (nods his head smiling)
Woman: "Then go take a ******' hike!!!"

8
I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."

9
Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear

10
Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.

11
A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.

12
And here's one including the correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, **** off!"

13
After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

14
A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

15
A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."

16
While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

17
The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, "You've got a large donkey or Doberman?"

18
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

19
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

2007-11-05 03:02:57 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-05 02:56:14 · 12 answers · asked by t-swaz 1

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He went to the gym every day. One morning he looked in the mirror and, admiring his body, noticed that he was suntanned all over with the one exception of his *****, which he decided to do something about.
He went to the beach, completely undressed, buried himself in the sand, except for his ***** which he left sticking out.
Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady " There is really no justice in the world."
The other old lady said " What do you mean?"
The first old lady replied " Look at that!.....
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild,
and I'm too old to squat!

2007-11-05 02:53:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

GAUTENG:
When you rearrange the letters:
GET A GUN
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

2007-11-05 02:32:15 · 26 answers · asked by Jim 7

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Confused she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."
"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

2007-11-05 02:22:13 · 34 answers · asked by Jessie 2

"Class dismissed!" the teacher yelled but little Johnny doesn't go.
He walks to the teachers desk and says, "Teacher can i go home with you?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Okay."
They get to the teachers house and she says, "Well i'm going to take a quick shower, you sit right here."
"Can i take a shower with you?" he asks.
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Well okay, I guess."
So their in the shower and little Johnny says, "Can i turn off the lights?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Okay."
So the lights are off and little Johnny says, "Can i stick my finger in your belly button?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
"Well okay." says the teacher, "JOHNNY!, that's not my belly-button!"
"Yeah? and that's not my finger either!"

2007-11-05 02:13:15 · 16 answers · asked by Jessie 2

Little johnny was in bed when he was woken up hearing a loud noise coming from his parents room so he went to investigate. when he walked in his parents were at it. His father turns around and laughs and tells little johnny to go back to bed.
A while later the father hears a strange noise coming from little johnnys room and he goes in to find little johnny ri*ing the granmother! Little johnny turns around and laughs and goes it aint so funny now when its your mother!

2007-11-05 01:50:02 · 23 answers · asked by Jessie 2

A boy comes home from school looking sheepish. ‘Dad,’ he moans, ‘We had a class spelling contest today, and I failed on the very first word.’ ‘Ah, that’s okay, son,’ says his father, looking over his glasses at him. ‘What was the word?’ The son looks even more miserable. ‘Posse,’ he replies. His father bursts out laughing. ‘Well, no wonder you couldn’t spell it,’ he roars. ‘You can’t even pronounce it!’

2007-11-05 01:44:56 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl went to her mom funeral and saw the perfect guy of her dream. He was so perfect, rich and charming. She went home and killed her sister immediately .. Why?

Answer in 10 seconds to be acurate

Will post up the answer at the end (^^)

2007-11-05 01:35:41 · 5 answers · asked by jeana s 2

A fruit stand.

2007-11-05 01:34:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous