clean or rude...don't mind!
2007-11-05 04:26:08 · 17 answers · asked by mmmmyeah 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
the farmers wife was awakened one night when the farmer threw open the bedroom door. half asleep she looked at him standing in the doorway holding a sheep under his arm, "what do you want" she barked at him. "this is the pig i f*ck when you have a head ache" he says. "that's a sheep you idiot" the wife replies. the farmer looks at his wife, "I wasn't talking to you!!!!"
2007-11-05 06:01:51 · answer #1 · answered by eyesinthedrk 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The blonde test taker
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
2007-11-05 04:30:37 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Would you prefer this way round....?
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old folks home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're
generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and
you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm
2007-11-05 04:29:48 · answer #3 · answered by chris w. 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Clean
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
Rude
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
"What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted....
2007-11-05 14:32:00 · answer #4 · answered by Alexiolim 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be
single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could
have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
2007-11-05 04:30:51 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
Little Johny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?"
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."
Johny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johny's' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!"
His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"
2007-11-05 04:32:31 · answer #6 · answered by Jessie 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Things you shouldn't say to a naked man....
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Ahh, it's cute.
Who circumcised you?
Why don't we just cuddle?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
It's more fun to look at.
Make it dance.
Can I paint a smiley face on that?
It looks like a night crawler.
Wow, and your feet are so big.
My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
(giggle and point)
My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
Let me go get my tweezers.
How sweet, you brought incense.
2007-11-05 04:42:05 · answer #7 · answered by Ripsi W 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Did the Same Thing
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes, the old man cane slips on the floor and he falls.
As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby turns to him and says, "Sir if you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today".
2007-11-05 13:57:14 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
There where two policemen walking down the road and one said to the other, 'I saw the funniest thing today, a man drinking battery acid and one eating fireworks'. The other replied 'what did you do'. He said, well I charged one and let the other off.
Lol love this joke!
2007-11-05 07:18:42 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Hope you like this...
Ego deflated...
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door."
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?"
She smiled and said, "No, I didn't.
All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."
2007-11-05 17:06:51 · answer #10 · answered by daniel*wm 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋