Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

A woman walked into a pharmacy & told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world would you need cyanide?" She explained that she needed it to kill her husband. The pharmacist said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! We would both get arrested! Go home & I'll forget you were ever here!"

The woman reached into her purse & pulled out a picture of her husband and the pharmacist's wife in bed together. The pharmacist looked at the picture & said, " Well, now, You didn't tell me that you had a prescription!"

2007-11-06 04:59:28 · 15 answers · asked by shermynewstart 7

they're for the christmas period

2007-11-06 04:53:41 · 11 answers · asked by shergal farkey 4

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from
across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't
reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to
the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton
is not President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away . . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
Hillary Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man
and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.
Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you
understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine; I just love hearing
your an

2007-11-06 04:51:51 · 7 answers · asked by Johnny 7

Both are facts of life
Both are opposites
Both are internal
Both are emotions

2007-11-06 04:41:08 · 13 answers · asked by george t 1

Ya know...like #2...
I heard one recently....

"Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl!!"

2007-11-06 04:40:23 · 15 answers · asked by geohoop 3

One was a salted!

2007-11-06 04:35:53 · 14 answers · asked by victor 3

Its Sunday night, bath time for the kids. 2 year old Jane shares the bath with 3 year old Ben. Mum is bathing them when the phone goes. Mum goes downstairs to answer it.

Meanwhile, Ben starts to laugh at Jane, pointing to her fanny, to which she replies, what are you laughing at, he says, pointing to his co ck,Ive got one of these & you haven`t, to which Jane responds by saying, with one of these I can as many of them as I like.

2007-11-06 04:30:19 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is this senior in high-school and he is mad because he has to share his room with his brother, Little Johnny, who is 9. They have bunk-beds and the older brother is on top…so one night the big brother comes home with his girlfriend for a little fun….he says to her..”My lil brother is asleep, whisper tomato for harder and lettuce for a different position.”

So they get up in the top bunk and begin getting it on, she begins saying lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato.” eventually she begins to yell “LETUCE, TOMATO, LETTUCE, TOMATO” finally the Little Johnny wakes up and says “would you two quit making sandwhiches up there, your getting mayonaise all over my face.”

2007-11-06 03:34:38 · 26 answers · asked by Jessie 2

1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3 How about never? Is never good for you?

4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8 I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10 Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13 I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18 Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19 What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23 And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24 Do I look like a people person?

25 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28 If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30 Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31 I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32 A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33 Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35 Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36 Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

37 How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38 I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary.

39 Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40 Oh I get it... like humour... but different.

2007-11-06 03:26:10 · 6 answers · asked by Synch88 3

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for
evening performances'.

'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nk hole please
you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting
window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The
first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'

'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t
box you get cr*p on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or
there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'**** it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking
hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the
tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the
show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she
says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging
out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?'

says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

'I f*cking wrote it !!!'

2007-11-06 03:23:23 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, “Johnny, what are you doing?”

Then, Johnny said, “It hurts down there.”

“Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home”, said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his d*ck haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, “Johnny, what’s that doing hanging out of your pants?!”

Then Johnny said, “My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she’ll come and pick me up.”

2007-11-06 03:19:24 · 11 answers · asked by Jessie 2

I could be wrong but I saw I guy that looked like Dick Chenney poke his head over my fence and shoot my dog. My dog is now walking with a limp. What can I do? (hypothetical question) =)

2007-11-06 03:11:34 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy askes his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach - she loves this car she goes every where in it.

One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"

The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."

The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"

The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she
wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.

2007-11-06 03:10:13 · 9 answers · asked by Simon 2

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, who always played together. On day the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. The horse begged the chicken to go and get the farmer for help!
The chicken ran back to the farm and searched and searched for the farmer but to no avail for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around the chicken spied the farmer brand new 2.1 BMW, finding the keys inside the chicken sped off with it and a piece of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friends life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised to see the chicken arrive in the shinny new BMW. He managed to get a hold of the rope that the chicken tossed to him. After tying the rope to the rear bumper, the chicken then drove slowly forward and with the air of a powerful car managed to save his friend.
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the car back and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animal was cemented, best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought for a moment, then walked over and straddled the mud pit. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his ‘thing’ and he would lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him out, saving his life.

The moral of this story:

When your hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

2007-11-06 03:03:06 · 23 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

im seriouse haha lol

2007-11-06 02:30:42 · 6 answers · asked by freshi_cheerleader 1

Little Johnny's mother is taking a bath, having recently been discharged from hospital where she had all of her pubic hair removed. Johnny comes into the bathroom as she's drying off, and asks her what happened to the hair. "I've lost my sponge," she says, and sends Johnny to play. A few moments later, Johnny reappears and tells his mother he thinks he's found her sponge, "Oh, really," his mum asks. "Where is it?" Johnny answers, "The lady next door is washing daddy's face with it."

2007-11-06 02:24:31 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple receive a bank statement with a huge overdraft. They also receive a final demand for the gas bill. So they agree to save money. That evening, they are watching TV when the man gets up and tells his wife that he's off down the pub. Outraged, the wife informs him that he has no right to go to the pub and leave her at home when they need to economise. The husband nods and tells his wife to put her coat on. Surprised and amazed, the wife asks, "Why, are we going out together?" "No," he says. "I'm turning the heating off."

2007-11-06 02:21:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

i have noticed that a lot of thumb downs on peoples answers for no apparent reason are the trolls out again lets start giving thumbs up to the answers we feel are OK and only thumb down the ones that are not its time for us to stop this after all we come on the jokes and riddles section for a laugh not to upset people do you agree

2007-11-06 01:49:06 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a murder trial, thedefense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

2007-11-06 01:25:43 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep,
the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!"

The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says, "GOOD .... Get your own f**king blanket!!!

2007-11-06 01:16:40 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for.
They are putting me down.

Oh no, says the first dog, why?

The second dog says, "Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep.

The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.

2007-11-06 01:09:20 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-06 01:04:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill Clinton orders the biggest pizza, covered with just about every topping, in an Italian restaurant, eats everything on top, but not the crust. After enjoying this, he refuses to pay: "I did not, I repeat, I did not eat this pizza!"

2007-11-06 01:00:25 · 8 answers · asked by Walter W. Krijthe 4

We have free dental treatment and a free national health service in the UK, whereas there are currentley 40 million Americans living without any medical insurance. Surely that must mean they have much worse teeth? Maybe the English had bad teeth 200 years ago?

2007-11-06 00:39:02 · 19 answers · asked by james h 4

- You answer the door before people knock. - You ski uphill. - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean. - You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse
and you don't even work there. - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. - You chew on other people's fingernails. - Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the
devil's blend." - You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables. - Cocaine is a downer. - You don't need a hammer to pound nails. - Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet
& Low." - You don't sweat, you percolate. - You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
it's not plugged in. - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. -

2007-11-06 00:33:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

As I was going to St Ives
I met a man with seven wives
And every wife had seven sacks
And every sack had seven cats
And every cat had seven kits
Kits, cats, sacks, wives
How many were going to St Ives?

2007-11-06 00:31:58 · 26 answers · asked by THOMAS B 1

Makes me feel kind of bad, actually ... If you want someone who will do anything to please you,
get a dog.

If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page,
get a dog.

If you want someone who’ll make a total fool of himself because he’s so glad to see you,
get a dog.

If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better,
get a dog.

If you want someone who’s always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go,
get a dog.

If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors,
get a dog.

If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn’t care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want,
get a dog.

If you want someone who’ll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores,
get a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn’t care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!

On the other hand…

If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and come home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE’s happy…

Get a CAT!

2007-11-06 00:24:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts,
With purchases little and large;
She doesn’t believe in Santa Claus…
But she believes in Master Charge!


’Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage “Some Assembly Required.”
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie’s town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can’t get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
“Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.”
“Honey,” said hubby, “you just glued my hand.”

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With “assembly required” till morning’s first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
“This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we’ll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!”

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there’s something to say for those self-deluded…
I’d forgotten that batteries are never included!

2007-11-06 00:18:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A professional clown, while traveling in the wilds of an uncharted jungle, was taken captive by cannibals, along with the rest of his party. Although the other members of his party were taken away to be boiled in the cannibals’ stew, the clown was taken to the outskirts of the village by the chief of the cannibals and released. “I’m grateful, but I don’t understand why you’re releasing me?” The Chief looked at the clown and said, “Clowns taste funny.”

2007-11-06 00:10:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female Boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

2007-11-05 23:49:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous