Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

The word is Washing machine,

That night in bed Fred whispers to Mary..."Washing machine"

Mary says "not tonight dear, I'm tired"

1O minutes later she feels quilty and whispers in Freds ear "Washing machine"

"Too late" said Fred, It was only a small load and I done it by hand"!!

;-)

2007-11-06 09:06:27 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little johny's school is having show and tell, so the teacher starts a 'Guess Whats Behind My Back' game. She goes to her desk and picks up a item. She says, okay class, what am I holding, its RED, ROUND, and SHINEY. Little Johny replies I know teacher its an apple, The teacher replies, no little johny, But I like the way you think.
So the teacher goes gack to her desk picks up another item. She says, okay class, what am I holding now, its YELLOW, and SOFT. Little Johny replies I know teacher,its a bannana. The teacher replies, no little johny, its a tennis ball. But I like the way you think. At this point little johny is furious. Okay teacher, this one's for you, he stuck his hand in his pocket and said okay what am I Holding, Its ROUND, HARD, and has a HEAD. The teacher says, Little johny, go to the office right now, you are in trouble. Little johny replies, for what teacher, its just a quarter, but I like the way you think.

2007-11-06 08:59:29 · 14 answers · asked by Nosferatu 5

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2004 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "

"What?"

2007-11-06 08:49:48 · 30 answers · asked by Nosferatu 5

... A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.
"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!"
"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."
"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"
"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."
"Okay, boss."
Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"
"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."
"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

2007-11-06 08:49:24 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

One of the ships officers told him "I know you feel terrible but remember no one ever died from sea sickness" The man who was seasick replied, " shut up! , the hopes of dying is the only thing keeping me alive"

2007-11-06 08:35:42 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery.

With his newfound wealth, he decides on exactly what he will buy.He buys a 20 acre plot of land in Mexico and hires an architect.

"I want mi casa to be built right there, with big columns in front, and a marble foyer, and at the end of the hall I want a halo statue." The architect, excited aboutmaking mega bucks off this man, jots down exactly what the Mexican wants,"I'll do it sir, I'll make this a fine house for you!"

All the plans are made and the architect starts construction. He searches six different countries to find exquisite columns for the front of the house and has marble shipped in from France to line the foyer.

The only problem he has is that he cannot locate a halo statue. Knowing that religious symbols are important to many Mexicans, he continues to search high and low for month after month. The house is finally complete, but alas, the architect was never able to locate a halo statue.

Swallowing his pride for not being able to complete the order, he takes the Mexican to see his new home.

"Si Senor!" exclaims the Mexican. "You got da columns in front of mi casa!" The architect smiles. They enter the house and the Mexican notices the marble floor. "Wonderful! I love mi new marble floor Senor!" states the Mexican as he wanders down the hall. He reaches the end of the hall and looks puzzled.

"Senor? Where is my halo statue?" asks the Mexican. "Well, sir, I'm afraid to have to tell you this, but I searched high and low and just could not for the life of me figure out what a halo statue is, much less find one for you anywhere," says the architect, hanging his head in shame.

"What? You don't know what a halo statue is?"

"No, sir, I'm sorry, I do not know," replies the architect.

"You know," says the Mexican, "it's that thing that goes 'ringy dingy' and you pick it up and say, 'halo? statue?"

2007-11-06 08:32:01 · 15 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."




The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"




His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"

2007-11-06 08:25:10 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

How do u tell when a man is well hung?
When u can barely slip you`re finger between his neck and the noose

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mails?
Rename the file folder, "Instructions Manual"

How does a man plan for the future?
When he buys two crates of beer instead of one

What do u call a man in handcuffs?
Trustworthy

What do you call the useless piece of skin at the end of a mans penis?
His body

Whats a mans definition of a romantic evening?
Sex

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or dont fit right in the crotch

Whats the smartest thing a man can say?
My wife says....

Why do men need instant replay on tv sports?
Because after 30 seconds they cant remember what happened

Why do men whistle when they`re on the toilet?
So the can remember which end to wipe

2007-11-06 08:15:12 · 12 answers · asked by Bubbles 2

Men are like.....
Placemats..they only show up when there is food on the table

Bike helmets..good in emergencies but usually look stupid

Copiers..you need them for reproduction but thats about it

Bank account..without alot of money they dont generate alot of interest

High heels..they are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it

Curling irons..they are always hot and alwas in your hair

Mini skirts..if you`re not careful they`ll creep up your legs

Handgun..keep one around long enough and you`re gona wanna shoot it

2007-11-06 08:07:46 · 25 answers · asked by Bubbles 2

hmmm. some people told me these jokes, and i think they are pretty good. how about you?

yo mommas so poor, robbers rob her house just for practice

yo mommas so dumb, she thought a quarterback was a refund

yo mommas so old, she knew mr. clean when he had an afro

yo mommas so poor, she eats cereal with a fork to save milk

yo mommas breath is so bad, she needs prescription tic-tac

yo mommas so dirty, the Swamp Thing even insisted she take a shower.

yo mommas so fat, she was fired from Forrest Gump cuz she kept eating the box of chocolates.

yo mommas so big, i swerved to miss her, but i ran outta gas

yo mommas so fat, she gets clothes in 3 sizes: extra large, jumbo, and ohmygoditscomingtowardsus!!

yo momma is so ugly, her pillow cries at night.



and this one i thought was extra funny :D

**yo momma so ugly, when she cries, the tears go to the back of her head because they are scared of her face**

me n my friend thought of them. what do you think?

2007-11-06 07:50:42 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

tell me if this joke is funny or just plain mean

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:

"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:

"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
.
.
"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . ."

2007-11-06 07:44:37 · 24 answers · asked by cai 4

A father and his young son are walking down the street, when the boy sees a couple of dogs screwing on the neighbors front lawn.
"daddy, what are they doing?" he asks.
"well son, they're making puppies" his father replies, and the boy appears satisfied with that.

Later that night, the boy wanders into his parents bedroom and see his father and mother going at it.
"what are you doing, daddy? he asks
"well son, we're making babies" his father replies
"oh," says the son, "then turn mommy over. i like puppies"

2007-11-06 07:29:31 · 4 answers · asked by Joe Angus 7

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met.

While sitting at a cafe the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes I remember it well dear." replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, lets go there again and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips and the little old lady then reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for a hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret, could you shag like that fifty years ago?"

The pensioner replies,

"Son, fifty years ago that f@*king fence wasn't electrified."

2007-11-06 07:21:18 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three friends got married on the same day and honeymooned together at the same hotel. They decided to secretly let the others know how well their efforts had gone in consumating their marriages in the morning at breakfast by ordering the relevant amount of toast.

In the morning all three sat with their new wives at adjoining tables and ordered their breakfasts in turn

"I'll have a full English breakfast with THREE slices of toast please." smiled the first.

"I'll have a full English breakfast. Just ONE slice of toast with strawberry jam please." said the second glumly.

"I'll have a full English breakfast with SEVEN slices of toast," smirked the third "Oh! - and better make two of them BROWN please."

2007-11-06 07:16:48 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

there's a new machine, only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. It's good though, it does everything............. Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers and crisps!!

2007-11-06 07:14:36 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you !"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, ripped her knickers off and gave her one there and then. When he finished he started putting his clothes on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door

"What's wrong ? Didn't you come ? Do you want more ?"
His wife said, "No, no, it's not that. I'm just trying to get the doorknob out of my arsehole !!"

2007-11-06 07:05:59 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a pi$$, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why dont you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor.
The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and has a grope.
He feels something long and warm and says, "Ugh! Have you changed your sex ?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind....I'm having a sh1t instead."

2007-11-06 07:02:21 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I must have left the Landing light on!

2007-11-06 06:59:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dad on his way home wants to buy his daughter a barbie. He stops at a toy store and noticed that there was a shopping barbie, a beach barbie, a disco barbie which were all £19,95 but a divorce barbie was £265. why is this one so much asks the man. the salesman answers thats because the divorce barbie comes with kens car, kens boat, kens house, kens computer and one of kens friends!!

2007-11-06 06:54:22 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

just wondering cause i've found some of my lost socks under a piece of furniture where or where did those questions go.. is can we put a gps device on them hahaha

2007-11-06 06:48:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mum sends Dave off to the market to buy a few things and Mabel tags along as usual. After investing in a new bucket, a straw broom, a couple of live chickens and a poddy calf, Dave is struggling home, with the calf baulking and the chickens flapping and the bucket clanking - all in different directions.

As they pass through a bit of bush Mabel says, "Aw gee, Dave, I'm scared!"

Dave yanks the calf and recovers a chicken and says, "Yeah! What of, Mabel?"

"Aw gee, you might take advantage of me in this lonely bush!" says Mabel.

"Come off it, Mabel," says Dave, grabbing the bucket. "Look how busy I am with this lot!"

Quick as a flash, Mabel says, "But couldn't you put the chickens down on the ground with the bucket on top of them, and push the broom into the ground and tie the calf to it?"

2007-11-06 06:39:10 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

when your sittrn on a cat and you feel somthen flat diarea diarea ! lol ..
lol im bored
starr me pleaase:)

2007-11-06 06:33:44 · 5 answers · asked by Renee M 1

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

2007-11-06 06:31:32 · 21 answers · asked by I ♥ Christmas. 3

The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground.
He stretches and goes to look out of the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words “President Clinton sucks” written in pee in the snow.

Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn’t care what it takes, but he wants to know who did this.
The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news. “Ok,” says Clinton,“give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news.”

The Chief says: “The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is.” Clinton nods and the Chief continues: “The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore.”
This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news. The Chief of Security swallows and says, “It’s in Hillary’s hand writing.”

2007-11-06 06:29:55 · 16 answers · asked by Jonathan V 7

A guy attending a wedding asks the person sitting next to him, “Hey, have you noticed how horrible-looking the bride is? Man, she's ugly!”

“You jackass. That's my daughter you're talking about!” the person responds.

“Oops! I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know you we're the father.”

“I'm not, you stupid idiot. I'm the mother!”

2007-11-06 06:24:08 · 18 answers · asked by I ♥ Christmas. 3

I really don't think this is funny. Do you?

At the marriage retreat, Amy and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words sex and love.

Amy wrote: “When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another and respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of sex with one another.”

And John wrote: “I love sex.”

2007-11-06 06:19:44 · 17 answers · asked by I ♥ Christmas. 3

i'm feeling random
and i need a laugh

2007-11-06 06:12:45 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
joke 2 cat on internet
1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser
3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.
7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard
9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

2007-11-06 05:23:54 · 5 answers · asked by Mary's Niece 3

1.Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
joke 2 cat on internet
1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser
3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.
7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard
9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy

2007-11-06 05:20:44 · 2 answers · asked by Mary's Niece 3

you know they say noah had 2 of every animal on his boat,that means noah had crabs.

2007-11-06 05:18:26 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous