Tell me something random please?

Question

i'm feeling random
and i need a laugh

Answer 1

Will this help?

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder. She hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, why don't you eat the peanuts yourself? "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

or this?

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Answer 2

Five year old twins, Freddie and Teddie , come down for breakfast and sit at the table. Their mother says
"What kind of cereal would you like? we have corn flakes or rice crispies"

"Gimme some fuc**ng corn flakes" says Teddie.

Hearing this, the mother hits him so hard, he falls backward out of his chair and lays motionless on the floor. Turning to Freddie she asks"What about you? What would you like?"

"Anything but fuc**ng corn flakes" he says.

Answer 3

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and
wife."

Answer 4

Happy Easter!

Answer 5

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start

washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

"What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker... "It's not talcum powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'."

Answer 6

This is no joke and I'm not trying to be gross.
When I see something that grosses me out, I feel a weird tingle in my butth0le.