Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

I think it would be really great to watch Pro wrestling at the olympics...

2007-11-30 16:21:25 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-30 14:53:20 · 33 answers · asked by Mansour S 5

A wife returned home one evening and asked her new maid, "Did you clean out the refrigerator as I told you?"
"Yes ma'am," said the girl. "And everything was delicious!" Later that evening her husband was explaining to his wife that the new maid slipped and broke a clavicle.
The young wife burst and said: "Remember, dear, whatever she breaks she must pay for..."
"But my dear--"
"No buts,--"

Just smile if you find it funny.

2007-11-30 14:52:07 · 2 answers · asked by Lei Al 2

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, using his hand.

The Amishman shouts: "Trink das Wasser nicht. Die Kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Which means : "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.")

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand that language. Please speak in English."

The Amish man says: "Use two hands, You'll get more!"

2007-11-30 14:48:24 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Men are always whining about we are suffocating them.

Personally I think that if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.

2007-11-30 14:46:05 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Harry is sitting at home with his girlfriend, baby-sitting for his little sister, once they put her to bed Harry and his girlfriend start getting more comfortable and just as Harry slides his hand up her skirt his mother walks in. "HARRY! I want a word with you in the kitchen!"

So he follows his mother in and she says, "Harry, I never want to see you doing that again!"

"Why?" Harry asks.

"Because up between them legs is a black hole and it's got teeth in it, if you put your hand near it again it'll bite your fingers off!"

Harry promises his mother that he won't.

The years go on and Harry finally marries his childhood sweet heart. On their honeymoon, Harry kisses his wife then rolls over and starts to go to sleep; his wife, rather annoyed cries, "Harry, I've been waiting years for this day and I want you to make love to me!"

"Oh no, no, no," Harry answers, "my mother told me that up between your legs you've got a black hole with teeth in it, and if I go near it, it will bite me!"

Laughing, his wife rolls over and picks up a flashlight, shining it between her legs she says, "Can you see any teeth up there?"

Harry moved down the bed to look.

"Well Harry, can you?!" his wife asks.

"No, there's no teeth, but I'm not surprised looking at the state of your gums!"

2007-11-30 14:43:36 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about the little girl who asked Santa for a Barbie and a G.I. Joe for Christmas?

"Oh, but Barbie comes with Ken", Santa said.

"No" the little girl replied to Santa, "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe, she only fakes it with Ken!"

2007-11-30 14:39:23 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-30 14:33:48 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were 3 stoned guys sitting and talking:

First guy: I have so much money that I can buy North America.

Second guy: I have so much money I can buy North America AND South America.

Third guy: Holy s**t, you guys are such show-offs, who the hell said I wanna sell?

2007-11-30 14:30:52 · 5 answers · asked by The Beast from the Middle East 5

Ok,so there's this dude named johnny humper.he asks this girl at skool to come over to his house.the girls name is julie.julie says"NO WAY".johnny says"ill give u a cookie"julie said, Okay!
After skool inside his house they went to his bedroom.johnny asks,"u wanna sit on my bed?"NOOOO"julie said."i'll give u 3 cookies!"johnny told her.she said 'ok!'Can u take off ur shirt?johnny asks."I AINT TAKIN OFF-" ILL give u 4 cookies!johnny inturrupted.julie said ok.Hey,can u take off ur skirt?johnny ask."WHAT!EXCUSE ME-" ILL give u 7 cookies!johnny interupted.she says ok again.can u take off-"NOT ANOTHER WORD!"JULIE interupted.johnny said,"19 cookies!"yeah!julie said.then she took off her bra and panty hoses.Then johnny's mom walked in-"JOHNNY HUMPER!!!"she yelled.johnny says,"im trying mom,i'm trying!"after all that,julie asked,wheres my cookies?johnny said,oh,i ran out.

2007-11-30 14:21:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

i dont get it

There's a farmer nearby who's rumored to have 4 beautiful daughters.....
One by one, the boys show up at his house....



- 'Evening sir. My name's Lance, I'd love to take your daughter France to the dance...is there a chance?

Farmer looks at him up and down, thinks to himself -he's in the army, can't be all bad. ....allright.
Accepts under the condition he bring her back by midnight.



Second guy shows up.
Good evening sir, name's Blair, I'd like to take your daughter Claire to the fair, is she there?

Same deal, no worries, just no hanky panky and bring her back by midnight.....




Third guy :
Hi, I'm Ray, I want to take your daughter Faye to the play, is that okay??.....

- No funny stuff-back by midnight.....
-Yes sir!....




The forth bloke shows up
- Hi my name's Tucker.......













And the farmer shot him......

2007-11-30 13:45:46 · 60 answers · asked by Anonymous

My son asked me this/ I said Infinidy

2007-11-30 13:36:01 · 17 answers · asked by The Mane Man 2

A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell."

2007-11-30 13:13:27 · 15 answers · asked by free the weed 3

Homer is giving some cookies to each of his 3 brothers. To the oldest, he gives half of the cookies and half a cookie. He then gives half of what is left and half a cookie to his second brother. Finally, he gives half of what is now left and half a cookie to his youngest brother. At no time is a cookie broken or cut. How many cookies did Homer have to begin with?

(HINT: Work backwards!)

2007-11-30 13:10:21 · 8 answers · asked by anonymous 2

It was xmas and the blonde wife was waiting as the bin men pulled up,one by one, she shagged them and finally it was the drivers turn,she gave him £10 pounds instead,disappointed the driver said"whats this for"? "for xmas she replied,"my husband said,give the driver a tenner and *** the rest!

2007-11-30 12:34:46 · 3 answers · asked by raybbies 5

A blind man walks into a restaurant and asks for a menu in braille.The manager apologises and explains that they haven't got any.
"Never mind," says the blind man " just bring me a couple of used forks from the kitchen, my keen sense of smell will help me out."
The manager returns with a few forks.
The man sniffs the first fork.."Sniff, sniff...ugh...pork casserole...no, I'm Jewish."
The second.."Sniff sniff...Welsh rarebit...no, I hate cheese."
The third.."Sniff, sniff....ah, steak au poivre...yum, I'll have some of that."
After his meal he thanked the manager and said that he'd be back to try something else the following night.
When the manager saw him come in the following night and ask the waiter for some more used forks to try, he decided to play a trick on him. he shouted to his wife in the kitchen..
"Glenys!! Fetch a CLEAN fork from the drawer and rub it on your fanny (UK meaning)...this'll confuse the smug git." She did as he asked.
The blind man took the fork

2007-11-30 12:19:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"


A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

2007-11-30 12:05:18 · 24 answers · asked by JasminE! 2

It's lucky that woman in sedan did'nt call her teddy bear ' max factor' as that would have guaranteed longer lashes

2007-11-30 11:42:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here`s some for the office
1.Your boss is always shouting 'I wanna see your butt in here by eight o'clock.'
2. It stops those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
3. You want to see if it's like it is in your dream.
4. No one steals your chair
5. You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to top up your tan.

2007-11-30 11:36:49 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"







(You'll love this)









God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

2007-11-30 11:26:28 · 16 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

without him knowing it was you

2007-11-30 11:24:42 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

2007-11-30 11:21:50 · 22 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London.
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said "Suits @ £5.00 each, Shirts @ £2.00 each, Trousers @ £2.50 per pair."
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear your accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."
"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will." Says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at @ £5.00 each, 100 shirts at @ £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at @ £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and . . ."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well ..... yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How d'y'know dat?
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

2007-11-30 11:18:52 · 13 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

What begins with a G, ends with a E, and can run at 50 miles per hour?

It's a riddle on what.cd (if you know what that is, and know the answer, please, do tell. I'm also looking for an invite if anyone would be so kind)

2007-11-30 11:13:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

HELLO






The LAST person to answer will win! Happy answering!


Maybe be minutes, or hours, or days, or months, or years?


Whoever is lucky enough.

2007-11-30 10:38:55 · 31 answers · asked by Justin H 4

HELLO




Here's where the hints come in:


it has three letters


It's chinese

as you can see in my avatar it starts with an "H"



That's all I got for you.

2007-11-30 10:27:48 · 20 answers · asked by Justin H 4

ok here goes
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away…..

2007-11-30 10:03:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

My first is in simple and also in sin
My seconds in tinkle and also in tin
my third is in parcel but isn`t in park
My fourth is in model but isn`t in mark
my fifth is in bragging and also in brag
My sixth is in nagging and also in nark
My sevenths in kingdom but isn`t in dote
My eighths is in nature and also in note
My ninths in power and also in too
The whole word describes us, her, him, me and you.

2007-11-30 09:58:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful
and loving wives.. however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the
Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk &walking home they needed to pee, so
they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair
of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat
down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they
proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said "These damn girl nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect
the worst.. my wife came home with no panties! Oh my God I'll kill the son
of a *****!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck
between the crack of her *** that said "From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you."

2007-11-30 09:56:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Honey I glad I'm not leaving you lonely.
BYE

2007-11-30 09:46:57 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous