Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Heyy guys, this is my last one for today, i'll have some more tommorow. Hope you enjoyed them all and thanks for all your answers and stars!

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back, "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

"I''ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!"

2007-11-29 04:16:07 · 14 answers · asked by Marmite 3

a new teacher was trying to use psychology on her fourth-graders. She started class by saying, "Anyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

Afetr a few seconds, a boy in the back row stood up. "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" the teacher asked.

"No ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

2007-11-29 04:14:31 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZING!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of!

2007-11-29 04:03:17 · 13 answers · asked by Marmite 3

On the chest of a barmaid at Yale,
Were tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.

2007-11-29 03:59:26 · 8 answers · asked by Tarzan 5

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.

Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - AND you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot;

2007-11-29 03:58:41 · 11 answers · asked by Marmite 3

did you know hellen kallar had a tree in her backyard??

nither did she...star if u like

2007-11-29 03:57:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:

"Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take

2007-11-29 03:35:29 · 16 answers · asked by Marmite 3

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, “earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''

2007-11-29 03:28:56 · 14 answers · asked by Marmite 3

A sergeant-major in the Paras was giving a lecture to some raw recruits.
”If you want to be part of this regiment,” he shouted at them, ”then you need to have COMMITMENT! What do you need?”
”COMMITMENT, sergeant-major!” the recruits all shouted back.
”Right, I shall now demonstrate my COMMITMENT to this regiment.”
The sergeant-major then ordered one of the men to open a nearby door. Almost as soon as the squaddie turned the handle, the door was pushed open and in slithered a ten-foot-long alligator, snarling and snapping. The sergeant-major then undid his belt and dropped his trousers. Almost as soon as he did so, the alligator ran up and sank his teeth right into the sergeant-major’s love truncheon. The sergeant-major barely winced. ”This,” he shouted. ”is what we in the Parachute Regiment call COMMITMENT!” He weaited several seconds more to make his point and then swiftly jabbed the alligator in both eyes with his fingers.
The alligator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the sergeant-major.
”That, you ‘orrible bunch, is what we in the Paras call COMMITMENT. Now which one of you ‘orrible little men is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?”
There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring until finally one young lad stepped forward. ”I, will sergeant-major,” he said ”but you’ve got to promise not to poke me in the eyes.”

2007-11-29 03:26:51 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on, She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?" "ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one" As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"

2007-11-29 03:24:51 · 11 answers · asked by Marmite 3

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"

The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

2007-11-29 03:22:33 · 14 answers · asked by Marmite 3

An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results come in, the doctor calls the old man in and says, “You'd better sit down. It's pretty bad.”
The old man, naturally, gets all nervous and asks, “What is it, Doc? Don't hold back -- just give it to me straight.”

“Well,” says the doctor, “you have cancer and you have Alzheimers.”

The man replies, “Wow. Well, at least I don't have cancer.”

2007-11-29 03:20:40 · 10 answers · asked by Marmite 3

2007-11-29 03:19:32 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, then he said, "Beats the heck out of a ham sandich doesn't it?"

2007-11-29 02:46:03 · 5 answers · asked by Zodiack 5

a guy goes to eat he gets soup and the lady comes back and says u hafent ate your soup is ther somthing rong with it he says try it she says just tell me what is wrong (they keep on saying tis) thin the lady says ok i will try this and she says were is the spoon the guy says bingo were is the spoon that is the ploblem no spoon

2007-11-29 02:43:07 · 8 answers · asked by jbelchsw 2

Q: What did the Mommy tomato say to the little boy tomato when he was lagging behind on their walk?

A: Son... I have cancer.

2007-11-29 01:59:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Blonde Detective
A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman said, "Well, that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

2007-11-29 01:42:44 · 23 answers · asked by mobile auto repair (mr fix it) 7

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized p*nises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated p*nises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have p*nises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

2007-11-29 01:07:55 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mum?
1. We're related
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such a nut.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between mums & dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

2007-11-29 00:34:41 · 11 answers · asked by zorro 2

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

2007-11-28 22:22:49 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly couple were making love frantically up against a fence in the country. They were really going for it, thrashing around wildly.

When they'd finished, the old lady turned to her husband and said "My Goodness!! We used to make love against that fence all the time 40 years ago but it was never like that!"

The old bloke replied "Yes I know, but 40 years ago that fence wasn't electric!"

2007-11-28 22:22:47 · 6 answers · asked by Grizz 5

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'em till I run him off or kill 'im, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting -- the bull's equivalent of an Ape's beating his chest or Man's bone-chilling, war-like cry of "Stay away from my Woman, Vato!!

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell , Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

2007-11-28 22:10:05 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnnys neighbours have just had a baby, but unfortunately the baby was born without any ears.

Johnny and his parents have been invited next door to see the new baby, but before they go, they make little Johnny promise not to mention the babys missing ears because it might upset the neighbours, and little Johnny promises, so off they go.

Little Johnny looks at the new baby, and then turns to the babys mother and asks "Hows the babys eyesight?"

The babys mother replies "Its just fine Johnny, his eyesight is brilliant"

Little Johnny then replies "Thats good then coz he'd be shafted if he needed glasses!"

2007-11-28 22:09:16 · 26 answers · asked by Grizz 5

Gay guy goes into a bar in liverpool, upon entering he sees a typical scouser 6'6, currly hair and drinking a pint. Fancing his look the gay goes up to the scouser and whispers in his ear...'Fancy a bl0w j0b?'.... The scouser immediatley jumps up and punches the gay man while throwing him through the door!
'What the hell did he say' Asks the barman..... Scouser replies...' Cheeky litt;le b@st@rd tried to offer me some sort of job!!'

~~~~~~~~

Little johnny walks in on mom in the bath one day, pointing to her v@gin@ he asks....'whats that?'.... Mom stuggles for an explanation but says.... 'oh thats where daddy hit me with an axe'.... Johnny gasps 'wow that was a good shot..... he got you right in the f@nny!'

2007-11-28 22:08:08 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 999 call is made to the emergency services and is routed through to an emergency medic whilst the ambulance is dispatched.

Medic "Whats happened sir?"

Hunter "I was hunting deer with my friend when he accidentally fell on his gun and shot himself. I think he's dead!"

Medic "Ok sir, don't panic, just follow my instructions to the letter and we'll see what we can do. Do you understand?"

Hunter "Yes, I understand!"

Medic "OK, now first of all we have to make sure he is actually dead, do you know how to do that?"

Hunter "Yes, I can do that"

The medic then hears two loud gunshots ring out

Hunter "Ok, he's definitely dead, what next?"

2007-11-28 22:00:22 · 18 answers · asked by Grizz 5

A bloke kills a deer, takes it home, and serves it up to his family for dinner, but doesn't tell his kids what it is, telling them they have to guess.

He says to them "I'll give you a clue, its what mummy calls daddy"

His little daughter gets a horrified look on her face, turns to her brother, and says "Don't eat it! Its a f..king @rsehole!!"

2007-11-28 21:49:58 · 14 answers · asked by Grizz 5

A little skinny white bloke gets stuck in a lift with a huge muscular black bloke.

The little white bloke is so engrossed in mentally willing the lift to start moving again, he doesn't realise that he is actually staring at the massive black bloke.

The Black bloke notices this, and obviously gets stared at regularly, so he automatically reels off his stats "I'm 7 feet 3 inches, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, and my balls weigh 20 pounds each, Turner Brown."

On hearing this the little white bloke goes a lighter shade of pale, throws up, and faints.

On regaining consciousness, the little white bloke asks him to repeat what he said, so the black bloke repeats his stats and says "and my name is Turner Brown"

The white bloke replies "Thank God for that, I thought you said TURN AROUND!!"

2007-11-28 21:44:30 · 9 answers · asked by Grizz 5

An elderly couple were sitting in church during a particularly engrossing sermon.

The old lady leaned over to the old man and whispered "Guess what..... I just did a silent fart"

The old man whispered back "You need a new battery in your hearing aid....!"


AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA........ I feel quite faint..........

2007-11-28 21:35:19 · 19 answers · asked by Grizz 5

COMMANDMENT 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But so are thunder and lightning.

COMMANDMENT 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

COMMANDMENT 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

COMMANDMENT 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

COMMANDMENT 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

COMMANDMENT 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which
one.

COMMANDMENT 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something
you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

COMMANDMENT 8
Every man wants a wife, who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

COMMANDMENT 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

COMMANDMENT 10
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a
penny.
The wife decided to make a wish too.
But she leaned over too much, fell into the well,
and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled
and said, 'Hey!...This thing really works!'

2007-11-28 21:26:56 · 13 answers · asked by PC 7

TOP TEN LIST OF PUT DOWNS TO MEN

1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.

2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.

3. I always choose chocolate over men. ALWAYS

4. 51% love goddess...49% *****. Care to push your luck?

5. My sexual preference is NO

6. My body is my temple, now get on your knees and pray.

7. It's not the size that counts, it's...no, wait, size does count.

8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice.

9. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time and you
can walk all over them forever.

10. Save your breath for you inflatable date.

2007-11-28 21:14:37 · 8 answers · asked by jake5282 2