Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Harry met Sandy at a nightclub one evening, and she finally invited him back to her apartment to spend the night. Her roommate was out of town, so this was the perfect opportunity.

The couple went back to her house, and after a few minutes the pair proceeded into Sandy's bedroom. When Harry walked through the door he immediately noticed all of these stuffed animals.

There were hundreds of them - stuffed toys on top of the wardrobe, stuffed toys on the bookshelf and stuffed toys on the window sill. There were more on the floor, and of course, stuffed toys all over the bed.

They cleared off the bed, jumped in, and went at it. Later, after the sex, Harry turned to Sandy and asked, "Well ... How was I?"

Sandy replied, "Well, you can pick anything from the bottom shelf."

2007-11-28 21:12:39 · 13 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Barry returns from the doctor's surgery one day and informs his wife that the doctor has told him he only has 24hrs to live. As she wipes away her tears Barry asks if they can make love. "Of course my darling", and they are at it for 6 hours. A few hours later Barry asks if he can give her another one as he only has 15 hours to live. Once again she agrees and of they go again for another hour. A little later they are getting into bed when Barry realised he only had 8 hours to live. He touched his wife's shoulder and said "Honey? Please? Just one more time before i die". She agreed then afterwards rolled over exhausted and fell asleep. Barry however, heard the old clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and he turned until he was down to only 4 more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey i only have 4 hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up angrily, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, i have to get up in the dam morning! you don't."

2007-11-28 21:11:39 · 14 answers · asked by jake5282 2

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother!!!!"

2007-11-28 21:10:31 · 15 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane.

The girl from the South, being friendly, said, "So, where ya'll from?"

The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, b**ch?"

2007-11-28 20:15:24 · 10 answers · asked by Angel 1

A Nun & a Soldier

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

2007-11-28 20:14:59 · 23 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

2007-11-28 20:11:30 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-28 20:09:18 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

4 nuns get killed in a car accident they all go before St. Peter.

"I must ask you a question before you enter the pearly gates", St. Peter said.

The 1st nun comes up, he asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?," she says, "Yes with my finger", St. Peter says, "Dip your finger in holy water, you may enter."

2nd comes up he asks the same question, she says, "Yes with my hand", St. Peter says, "Dip your hand in holy water and you may enter.

3rd comes up he asks the same question, before she could answer, 4th nun pushes her out of the way and says, "St. Peter if you think I'm going to goggle in that water after she dips her *** in it, then forget it".

2007-11-28 20:07:38 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blond asks her blond friend :
"what do u think is more important 4 us, the sun or the moon?"

the other blond answered:
"u silly, of course it is the moon, we can use it in the night when its dark, but the sun rises in the day where there is already enough day light..!!

2007-11-28 20:04:03 · 18 answers · asked by Light Shielded By Dark 5

Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the that's what Rich did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

2007-11-28 20:02:55 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Son: Dad, How was I born?"

Dad: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on
yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got a Male!

2007-11-28 19:53:17 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little johnny got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

Little johnny asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

Little johnny replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many." Little johnny said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grand- children and he doesn't wear his collar that way.

The priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

Little johnny sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

2007-11-28 19:47:10 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

2007-11-28 19:30:08 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven", she replies.

The sheriff thinks to himself, "Thats not what I wanted, but I guess she's right!"

"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.

"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.

The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him.

"Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?" he asks her.

The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was exultant. "The interview went great!" she says. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

2007-11-28 19:27:40 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".

2007-11-28 19:25:30 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A psychology student decides to have a party, and invites lots of people telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he writes, "Theme Party".... Come as a Human Emotion.

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

The guy says, "I am green with envy."

"That's brilliant" says the host, "come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.

He says to the woman, "Wow great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

"I am tickled pink" she replies.

"I love it" says the host "come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two black guys from Jamaica, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "Truth guys, what the hell are you doing? What emotion is this supposed to be?"

The first guy replies, "Well, I'm friggin' discustid, and my friend here is deep in dispear."

2007-11-28 18:10:49 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out, and they were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go head and kick it up a notch.

Surprised, the doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

But when they got home, the mailman was lying dead on the porch.

2007-11-28 18:08:13 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give her away to the groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.

Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by bride.The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.

So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."

The whole audience, including priest, started laughing, but not the poor groom

2007-11-28 18:03:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingl e Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

2007-11-28 17:59:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. - What do you call a Lesbian dinosaur?
A. - Licalotapus

Q. - What do you call an Irish Lesbian?
A. - Gaylick

Q. - What did Ellen DeGeneres say to Kathie Lee Gifford?
A. - May I be frank with you tonight?

Q. - What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A. - Well hung

2007-11-28 17:30:21 · 15 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

list five words that are the same written backwards. exclude, wow, mom, racecar, madam, noon

2007-11-28 17:29:11 · 24 answers · asked by Becca 1

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son.. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

2007-11-28 17:20:53 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."

She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray.

She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, b*tch, so put the tray up!"

2007-11-28 17:06:24 · 12 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

She said ,"If we marry, the child will have the brain of his father and the beauty of the mother and dont you think that that would be a great combination."The genius replied,"ofcourse but if it is going to be the other way,dont you think that it will be disastrous?"

2007-11-28 16:14:06 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-28 16:08:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ***. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde.

She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

2007-11-28 16:07:58 · 10 answers · asked by Hope 6

This is a riddle!

2007-11-28 16:03:11 · 9 answers · asked by hanmondog 2

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It’s started."



If you think he is funny, don't give me a beer, give me a star......

2007-11-28 15:57:00 · 10 answers · asked by Hope 6

The 50-ish wife comes up to her husband and says, 'So, Harvey. What do you think of my new bra-less look? Does it make me look younger?'

'It does!' Harvey says. 'It pulls all the wrinkles out of your face!'

xxxxxx
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

xxxx

After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, an unhappy husband finally confronted her.

"Admit it, Linda," he said, "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million."

"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left it to you."

xxxxxx

Hope you liked them, if you did, pls star for others to see, thks....

2007-11-28 15:52:32 · 9 answers · asked by Hope 6

2007-11-28 15:04:07 · 10 answers · asked by dokken3kiss 2