Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

One day, 3 vampires (A young vampire, an experienced vampire and an ancient vampire) were on a cliff overlooking many villages.

The young vampire, eager to show off his skills wiping out an entire village at extreme speed.
"See that village over there?"

The young vampire disappears for 30 seconds and comes back with a bloody face.

The experienced vampire, not impressed, said "Thats nothing! See that village over there?"

The experienced vampire disappears for 20 seconds and reappears with an even bloodier face.

The Ancient vampire, without a word, pointed to a village he meant to take out.

He returned 5 seconds later with the bloodiest face the 2 younger vampires have ever seen.

"See that tree over there?", the ancient vampire said

"I didn't"

2007-11-29 08:12:13 · 8 answers · asked by Tickle me emo 3

If someone feels uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think

a) They're just a prude

b) Maybe you should spend a bit more time together

or

c) They should either look away or sit somewhere else on the bus

2007-11-29 07:41:39 · 43 answers · asked by Grizz 5

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids
what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue
and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. "Well" he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes".
The little girl screams, "Don't eat it..... Its a f**king a**hole!!!

2007-11-29 07:41:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

yooooooooooooou

2007-11-29 07:37:08 · 35 answers · asked by Mary's Niece 3

A little boy says to his mum "Mummy, why am I black and you're white?"

His mum replied "Don't go there, son. When I think back to that party you're lucky you don't bark"

2007-11-29 07:09:16 · 17 answers · asked by Grizz 5

A bloke pulls in a nightclub and they get back to his place where passions start rising and they both start to frantically undress.

He removes his socks and the girl says "Oh my God! Whats wrong with your toes? They're all mangled!"

The bloke replies "Tolio"

The girl says don't you mean POLIO?"

"Nope" says the bloke "Tolio. I got it as a kid and it mangled my toes"

He then takes off his trousers and his knees are all lumpy an disfigured. "Before you say anything" he said "Its kneasles"

"Don't you mean MEASLES?" asked the girl

"Nope, KNEASLES" said the bloke "I got it as a kid and it affected my knees"

He then removed his boxer shorts, the girl took one look and said "Let me guess, SMALLCOX!"

2007-11-29 07:06:22 · 25 answers · asked by Grizz 5

Father O'Connor keeps chickens behind the church, and he awakes one day to find that the cockerel has gone missing.

He knows there is an illegal cockerel fight in the village shortly, so in church that day he asks the congregation "Has anyone got a ****?"

All the men stood up.

"No, what I meant was has anyone seen a ****?"

All the women stood up.

"No No No! Thats not what I meant either. What I meant was, has anyone seen MY ****?"

16 altar boys, 2 priests, and a goat stood up........!

2007-11-29 06:52:23 · 8 answers · asked by Grizz 5

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads...

"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look short".
Love, Grandma

2007-11-29 06:47:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

there are lots of variations

2007-11-29 06:47:34 · 18 answers · asked by Jen 1

A bloke was sat ina bar minding his own business when a thug walked up to him, knocked him to the ground and said "that was a karate chop from Japan"

A little later, the thug walked up to him again and once again knocked him to the ground and said "That was a roundhouse kick from Korea"

The bloke picked himself up and left the pub, only to return a few minutes later, walked up to the thug, knocked him clean out cold, and then said to the barman "When that tw@t comes too, tell him that was a f--king crow bar from Halfords!"

2007-11-29 06:37:56 · 12 answers · asked by Grizz 5

A bloke was sat at a bar minding his own business when an extremely fat, unattractive woman approached him and said to him "hello handsome. If you can guess my weight I'll let you shag me"

The bloke, in an effort to get out of this fate worse than death, replied "About 93 stone?"

The woman then replied "Thats close enough, you LUCKY boy!"

2007-11-29 06:31:17 · 12 answers · asked by Grizz 5

A horrible foul mouthed ugly woman was walking into Tesco with her two noisy, badly behaved children. She was shouting obscenities at them to try to keep them in tow.

As they approached the entrance, the Greeter said to the woman "Good afternoon madam. What lovely children you have.Are they twins?"

The woman looked at him and growled "Whats the f--king matter with you? Are you f--king blind? Do they look like f--king twins?"

The Greeter then replied "Well, actually madam, no they don't, but I just couldn't for the life of me think of any reason whatsoever why anyone in their right mind would want to shag you more than once!"

2007-11-29 06:26:11 · 13 answers · asked by Grizz 5

eskimo on holiday in wales'

car breaks down.

welshman looks under bonnet,

says you've blown a seal'

Eskimo says ' so what you fu..k sheep.

2007-11-29 06:21:47 · 4 answers · asked by SPUDULIKE 3

There is a bus with 7 girls inside, Each girl has 7 bags, Inside each bag, there are 7 Big cats, Each Big cat has 7 small cats, All cats have 4 Legs each!

Question: How many Legs are there inside the bus?

2007-11-29 06:20:08 · 16 answers · asked by chieftomtom03 2

I was driving along when the driver of the car in front of me slammed on his breaks for no obvious reason. I couldn't stop in time and we collided. Through the smoke of my radiator I saw a dwarf hop out of the car I'd just hit and run up to me.
" I'm Not Happy" he said.
I replied " No ? Then which one Are you?"

2007-11-29 06:17:40 · 13 answers · asked by davidosterberg1 6

A scientist has developed a bra that stops nipples from poking through when its cold and stops boobs from bouncing around.

His colleagues have thumped the living crap out of him.

2007-11-29 06:17:22 · 7 answers · asked by Grizz 5

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere ?
‘Hold my purse.’

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!

I’m very brave generally, he went on in a low voice: “Only today I happen to have a headache.”

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.

We are all born mad. Some remain so.

Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance

2007-11-29 06:05:31 · 7 answers · asked by **mum to a little miracle** 4

Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.


One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A fool and his money are soon partying

2007-11-29 05:51:08 · 8 answers · asked by **mum to a little miracle** 4

A young man is sitting at a bar when he see this older man wearing a huge oversize trenchcoat walk into the bar room, walks across the room and sits down at the stool next to him.

The old man reaches into one huge oversize pocket of his trenchcoat and pulls out a miniture baby grand piano.

He reaches into anothe huge oversize pocket of his trenchcoat and pulls out a man who's only one foot tall and sets him on top of the bar.

The one foot tall man proceeds to walk across the top of the bar, sits down at the piano and begins to play music.

The young man is amazed and says "That's incredible! Where did you ever get something like that."

The old guy says "Well I found this old lamp, turns out it's a magic lamp, there's a genie inside/"

The young guy says "That's so cool, can I try it?"

The old guy shrugs and says "Why not." So he reaches into yet another huge oversize pocket of his trenchcoat, pulls out this old battered lamp, holds it up and begins to say something.

But the younger man snatches the lamp out of his hands, rubs it, concentrates and says "I want a million buck, I want a million bucks."

Bam, a second later the bar is filled with a million ducks, they are up to their armpits in ducks"

"The younger man says, "Whoa whoa, what happened? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The old guy says "Well, if you would have waited a second, I would have explained to you. It's an old lamp, it's an old genie, he's hard of hearing. You think I asked for a 12 inch pee-a-nist?"

2007-11-29 05:40:44 · 11 answers · asked by SteveA8 6

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her
on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

2007-11-29 05:39:27 · 15 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

Its not what you think so if u anwer it right then ull see!

2007-11-29 05:28:16 · 27 answers · asked by evangeline_chick 1

A father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of Those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95,

Shopping Barbie for $19.95,

Beach Barbie for $19.95,

Disco Barbie for $19.95,

Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,

Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,

Skater Barbie for $19.95,

And Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

The amazed father asks: "You what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: Sir, "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and One of Ken's Friends.

2007-11-29 05:23:17 · 23 answers · asked by @_@ 4

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in therein the first place.....smack his *** again!"

2007-11-29 05:15:12 · 10 answers · asked by Brandolyn 4

Italian Boy's Confession


Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi ?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

" Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"


"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

2007-11-29 05:10:52 · 14 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!

Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck!

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have "Sandy claws" !

What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ?

What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !

2007-11-29 05:05:45 · 15 answers · asked by .... 6

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !

2007-11-29 05:00:21 · 11 answers · asked by .... 6

A guy was concerned that he wasn't as smart as he could be, that he was missing opportunities and promotions, etc. so he went to his doctor and asked if he knew where he could get a new brain. His doctor referred him to a specialist.

The specialist told him, "You're in luck! I just happen to have 3 brains, but I have to warn you - they're expensive."

"I understand," the man replies, "but this I've been wanting for a while, I've been saving up and I'm prepared to pay."

So the doctor continues, "Well the first brain belonged to Thomas Edison and it costs $250,000."

"Wow! That's a lot of money but he definitely was smart. What's the next option?" asks the man.

The doctor continues, "The second brain I have once belonged to Albert Einstein, and the price for it is $500,000."

"Whoa! That's a lot of money, but there's no doubt that he was top shelf intelligent," the man ponders, "So then, the third one?"

"Will cost you a million bucks," the doctor finishes.

2007-11-29 04:48:09 · 11 answers · asked by Mera 7

Another blonde fishing off of it.

2007-11-29 04:32:08 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

And no, you can't wish for more wishes!

2007-11-29 04:26:14 · 15 answers · asked by dogriver 5

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for
> dinner.
> Both he and his
> wife decide that they won't tell the kids what
> kind of
> meat it is, but
> will give them a clue and let them guess.
>
> The kids were eager to know what the meat was on
> their
> plates, so they
> begged their dad for the clue.
> "Well" he said, "It's what mommy calls me
> sometimes".
>
> The little girl screams,
>
> "Don't eat it.....
> Its an asshole!!

2007-11-29 04:19:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous