Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

2007-11-30 06:26:27 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

(_x_) This is what I feel Like.
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ***



(__!__) a fat ***



(!) a tight ***



(_*_) a sore ***



{_!_} a swishy ***

(_o_) an *** that's been around






(_x_) kiss my ***



(_X_) leave my *** alone



(_zzz_) a tired ***



(_E=mc2_) a smart ***



(_$_) Money coming out of his ***



(_?_) Dumb ***

i was reading starstix blog pages and found this really funny

2007-11-30 06:26:05 · 12 answers · asked by Snot Me 6

He insisted he was an alligator in the Amazon.

2007-11-30 06:16:58 · 9 answers · asked by Spotlight 5

Pamela Anderson and the Queen of England die on the same day. As they are approaching the gates of heaven, God tells them that there is only ONE spot left.
Knowing this, Pamela decides to seduce God by showing her bare breasts. God looks at them and says, "Very nice."

"Does that mean I''m in?" says Pamela. God looks over to his side and sees the Queen of England douching in the corner.

He looks back at Pamela and says, "Sorry, a royal flush always beats a pair."

2007-11-30 06:16:05 · 1 answers · asked by anonymous 4

One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Susie said, "Your heart, 'cause you need it to love."

Richie said, "Your head, 'cause you need it to think."

Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on him reluctantly. Little Johnny said, "Your feet."

Confused, the teacher asked why.

Johnny replied, "When I walked past my mom's room last night, she had her feet in the air and was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"

2007-11-30 06:13:21 · 7 answers · asked by anonymous 4

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?


WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

2007-11-30 06:09:04 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a *****."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a *****?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?"
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a *****."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl: "FATHER HE HAS AIDS.
Priest:"THAT SON OF A *****!
PLZ GIVE ME A STAR IF U LIKE IT

2007-11-30 06:07:11 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks
away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says
the wife, "I want a divorce."
"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there
will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the
Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the
decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant
with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better
looking." says the wife.

2007-11-30 05:59:31 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.
One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says
to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to
impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the
two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."
The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination
man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she
sees the nail.
She says, "This is the one, right here."
The man says, "How do you know?"
Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."
The man says, "What's the nail for?"
Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

2007-11-30 05:57:31 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

The sleigh was packed,
the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt
by the side of the bed.



"Dear Father," he prayed
"Be with me tonight.
There's much work to do
and my schedule is tight.

I must jump in my sleigh
and streak through the sky,
Knowing full well
that a reindeer can't fly.

I will visit each household
before the first light,
I'll cover the world
and all in one night.

With sleigh bells a-ringing,
I'll land on each roof,
Amid the soft clatter
of each little hoof.

To get in the house
is the difficult part,
So I'll slide down the chimney
of each little heart.

My sack will hold toys
to grant all their wishes.
The supply will be endless
like the loaves and the fishes.

I will fill all the stockings
and not leave a track.
I'll eat every cookie
that's left for my snack.

I can do all these things Lord,
only through You,
I just need your blessing,
then it's easy to do.

2007-11-30 05:54:04 · 13 answers · asked by .... 6

Little Johnny was in the 3rd grade when the teacher asked if anyone could come up with a 3 syllable word and use it in a sentance. Johnny was the first with his hand raised but the teacher knew better and called on little sally. sally stood and said "beautiful, my teacher is beautiful" very good the teacher said, anyone else? Johnny had his hand way up in the air, but the teacher called on timmy. "wonderful, my teacher is wonderful" very good timmy, anyone else? johnny is now standing on his chair with his arm raised and no one else was an answer so the teacher says OK johnny, go ahead. Johnny stood and said "urinate, your an 8 but if your **** were bigger you'd be a 10!"

2007-11-30 05:38:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."

So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."

2007-11-30 05:36:32 · 7 answers · asked by anonymous 4

1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you`ll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won`t mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn`t scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11)
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12) You don`t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there`s no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn`t make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn`t matter.

2007-11-30 05:35:52 · 26 answers · asked by .... 6

making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman.

it,s got to be hot.
you,ve got to take your time.
you,ve got to stir gently but firmly.
you,ve got to grind your beans untill they squeak.
then you put your milk in..........

2007-11-30 05:31:44 · 9 answers · asked by mailys@btinternet.com 2

Joke, funny story, I don't care. Give me something good.

2007-11-30 05:22:12 · 7 answers · asked by Sarah 4

Little Johnny was becoming naughty days before Christmas and his father was getting tired of tackling him. Someone suggested him to leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift if Johnny behaved naughtily. Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. Johnny replied, "I want a teddy-bear lying by my side, a toy train near the Christmas tree and a bike leaning up against the garage." On Christmas morning, Little Johnny was astonished to find a pile of dog poop by his side, by the tree and by the garage. When his father asked, "Johnny replied," I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-b!tch!"

2007-11-30 05:20:18 · 22 answers · asked by .... 6

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint




when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"



The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry"
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked
into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
"Hey you!"



So the koala looked down at him and said,



"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink?!!"

2007-11-30 04:54:32 · 9 answers · asked by zebediah 3

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.


If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.


When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.


Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.


If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.


Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.


Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.


Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.


Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.


Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.


Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.


Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
REMEMBER!
STRESSED spelled backwards=DESSERTS

2007-11-30 04:49:53 · 15 answers · asked by .... 6

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the
frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for
certain how often someone had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went
down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the
person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often
each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to
ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man
said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.
The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this
individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy
about?"
The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"

2007-11-30 04:47:22 · 16 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

2007-11-30 03:44:23 · 10 answers · asked by yashar a 3

We're riding in a wonderland of snow
Are you and yours ready for a sleigh ride in the snow

2007-11-30 03:13:24 · 9 answers · asked by NIFman 5

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," St. Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," St. Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
St. Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do these symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

2007-11-30 02:53:42 · 8 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

2007-11-30 02:15:33 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An older man goes for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, 'I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.'

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, 'What did he say?'

The wife yells back to him, 'Give him your underwear!'

2007-11-30 01:40:41 · 10 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her,
Between two slices of bread.


HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.


HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

2007-11-30 01:20:24 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.


ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.


PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

2007-11-30 01:18:00 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

the other 5% said they had never been to prison

2007-11-30 00:53:21 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a Caveman whose given name was "Onestone", so named
because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone!

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
"Good morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next
day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would
do….

2007-11-30 00:41:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

>

A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured
them against... get this... fire. After he had smoked them, he then
decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The
insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man
had consumed the cigars normally. The man sued. The judge stated that
since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were
obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the
insurance company then had him arrested . . . for arson.

2007-11-30 00:29:03 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man left work one Friday afternoon.
But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, drinking with the lads & spending his entire paypacket.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade about his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by & he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday & Wednesday came & went and he didn't see her. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

2007-11-30 00:27:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous