These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
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--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
2007-11-30 06:09:04 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Ha ha ha.!!!
That is Excellent so 10/10.!!!
Thanks for a laugh.!!!
Cheers Lady.!!
2007-11-30 06:12:27 · answer #1 · answered by JAM123 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Good bar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?” Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hoots. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!” Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chick let, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?” (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!
2016-04-06 05:41:07 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
At one time I was thinking of being a court reporter. I wouldn't have been able to keep it together in these cases for sure. Now, I'm just hoping to proofread for court reporters. If I find funny stories like this, I'll post them.
2007-11-30 07:09:50 · answer #3 · answered by Precious 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Fabulous! Great reading.
2007-11-30 06:22:03 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow that was so good and no offence bt some people can be so dim sometimes!
xxxx
2007-11-30 06:49:57 · answer #5 · answered by »-(¯`v´¯)-» Petal »-(¯`v´¯)-» 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I laughed so hard while I was reading this that it made by baby cry!
2007-11-30 06:50:04 · answer #6 · answered by Tacymevol 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is phucking awesome
i am holding back my laughter cuz i am sitting in a class
2007-11-30 07:06:26 · answer #7 · answered by thirdfrikkingaccount 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
HA HA
its such a totally blond thing to say
would give you more stars if i could but apart from one gold star here's some other ones *************************************
2007-11-30 07:13:27 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT! If I could give you a million stars I so would!
2007-11-30 06:17:51 · answer #9 · answered by nickfly 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is Excellent
2007-11-30 06:45:08 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋