Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

I was happy.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged
me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed,
and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore
tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many
a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She
never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome
and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she
wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want
to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up
the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her
panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there
for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I
opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked
straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his
eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you
have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for
our daughter. Welcome to the family".

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

2007-11-01 10:58:47 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes out immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheeks, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
"No," he replies, "I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message." She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

2007-11-01 10:55:44 · 17 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

a redhead and blonde pass a flower shop and the redhead spots her boyfriend buying flowers, she says oh sh*t, he always has expectations after buying me flowers, i don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air, the blonde says why don't you have a vase?

2007-11-01 10:51:14 · 22 answers · asked by roger the alien 2

THE AMISH AND THE ELEVATOR

An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls
that could move apart and slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life.
I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheelchair rolled her way up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small
chamber. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to
watch until the last number was reached; then the numbers began to light
in reverse order. Finally the walls opened again, and a gorgeous
24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son........"Go get your mother."

2007-11-01 10:45:48 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy is at a bar. His neighbor across the street walks up to him and says "I have some bad news and good news. Your wife is cheeting on you. i have seen her from my window. The good news is i can shoot them for you,"
The guy say " I want you to shoot her in the head and him in the d***."
The neighbor says "thats easy, i can do that in one shot."

2007-11-01 10:34:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rather attractive woman goes into a burger place. She walks up to the current cashier, and asks for the boss. While doing so, she runs her hands in his hair. The man replied,"he's busy, but I'm the manager". The woman said back," please, I really need to talk to him." While she said that, she put her fingers in his mouth. "He's doing his taxes. Do you need me to tell him something for you?". "sure," she said. "Tell him theres no toilet paper or paper towels in the ladies room."

star if you found it funny, plz

2007-11-01 10:34:18 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

man buys a paket of mixed flavored condoms, raspberry, banana etc, says to wife lets play a game, i'll put one on and guess the flavor, she says ok and goes under the blanket and says cheese and onion! he say for f**ks sake let me put one on first

2007-11-01 10:22:10 · 21 answers · asked by roger the alien 2

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I''m afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

2007-11-01 10:07:50 · 11 answers · asked by ღ£Ðwå®Ðz§ løv£®ღ 7

Q: At what time does a duck wake up?
A: At the quack of dawn.

Duck walks into a chemists and asks for some chapstick.
Clerk says will that be cash or cheque?
Duck says "Just put in on my bill!"

What's the difference between a duck?
One of its legs are both the same!

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman
"Has my brother been in here"
The barman says "What does he look like ?"

2007-11-01 10:06:50 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was
invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little
Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about
the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the
spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Little Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little
hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
"Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
The mother proudly replied, "Yes. We are so thankful. The doctor said
he will have 20/20 vision"

Little Johnny replied, "That's great... cuz he'd be f*cked if he needed
glasses

2007-11-01 09:59:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a magican who worked on a cruise ship preforming mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magican but his act was regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like: "IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE" or "IT'S IN HIS POCKET" or "IT'S IN HIS MOUTH." The magican was getting sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening at the climax of his act the liner struck an iceberg and sank in seconds.
Amazingly, the magican and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magican was lying on a piece of drift wood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring back at him with his beady little eyes. The parrot sat there for hours and eventually said " OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

2007-11-01 09:54:50 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”





funny or not lol.

2007-11-01 09:54:50 · 10 answers · asked by ღ£Ðwå®Ðz§ løv£®ღ 7

It's 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. The first thing they see is a Martian couple. Mike and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex. She goes straight to the point: "So how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Like you do, I think," says the male Martian, "but maybe we'd better check it out to be sure!" So, after some discussion, they all agree to swap partners for one night.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a tiny penis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen, disappointed beyond belief. The male Martian looks puzzled. "Why not?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to go inside me!"

"No problem," he says, and starts to slap his forehead with his hand. With each slap, his cock grows till it's actually pretty long. "Well," she says, "that's very impressive, but it's still quite narrow...." "No problem," says the male Martian, and he starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his cock grows wider and wider until it's huge! "Wow!" shouts Maureen, before they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

Next day the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike says to Maureen, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," replies Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," says Mike, "all I got was a terrible headache. She just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

2007-11-01 09:54:22 · 3 answers · asked by ✿❃❀❁✾ Stef ♐ ✿❃❀❁✾ 7

The bell hop at the counter tells them the room will cost $30 so they each put in $10 and go on up. When the manager returns he tells the bell hop that there is a discount on that room and it should only be $25. He gives the bell hop $5 to give back to the hunters. On his way to the room, the bell hop decides to keep $2 for himself and give $3 back to the guys (can't split $5 three ways evenly, he figures, and they won't know the difference). So. . .if each guy gets $1 back that means they each paid $9. 9 times 3 is 27 plus the 2 the bell hop kept makes 29, not 30. How is this possible?

2007-11-01 09:51:45 · 13 answers · asked by strandlock 2

Three men are to share a cab from the airport into town. When they arrive, the meter reads $25. Each man gives the driver a $10 bill. She hands them five $1 bills as change. Each man takes one of the $1 bills. They give the driver the remaining two $1 bills as a tip.

Each man has not spent nine dollars and the driver has two dollars for a total of $29. Where is the other dollar? Your challenge is to explain this paradox.

2007-11-01 09:43:37 · 13 answers · asked by DM 1

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

2007-11-01 09:42:48 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.

"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.

"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"

2007-11-01 09:41:01 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

If an airplane crashes on the American/Canadian border on which side of the boarder are the survivors buried?

2007-11-01 09:27:52 · 9 answers · asked by Nosferatu 5

there are two jewish guys walking down the street some guy comes up and says give me your money the jewish guy said it's all in my bank account but i can see why you would want to rob me because my accountant, my friend here just saved me a bunch of money
then they keep talking about accounting finances and stuff like that


it's not that funny by itself but if carlos mencia or some other funny stand-up guy told it right it would be funny

2007-11-01 09:18:20 · 37 answers · asked by penguinboy828 1

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive young woman
waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says,

"My God, are you one of the strippers from my bachelor party that I had
sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."

2007-11-01 08:36:34 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

** Little Johhny trolls into school on Tuesday. The teacher stops him in the hall.
"Johnny, why weren't you in school yesterday?"
"Sorry, Miss, but my dad got burned"
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope it wasn't badly?"
"Well, they don't f**k about at the crematorium, Miss!"

2007-11-01 08:34:38 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-01 08:25:45 · 8 answers · asked by lee 5

Bill and Tom work in a sawmill and one day, Bill severed his arm in a bench saw. Tom picked up the severed limb put it in a plastic bag and transported it and Bill to the hospital where it was reattached. The next day he was up and about exercising and then back to work. A couple of days pass and Bill severs his leg in another big saw thing. Tom picks up the limb puts it in a plastic bag and tranports it and Bill again to the hospital. Next day he is up and about, exercising his reattached limb and then back to work. As usual, the next day, another accident happens and he severs his head. Tom picks up the head puts it in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to the hospital. The next day the nurse tells Tom that Bill is dead. Tom says, I am not surprised, was it the shock that killed him. No said the nurse, some silly bugger put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

2007-11-01 08:02:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

2007-11-01 07:57:28 · 14 answers · asked by Sparky 5

How do you save a drowning mouse?
Give it mouse to mouse resuscitation.

When does a mouse need an umbrella?
When it's raining cats and dogs.

Hickory Dickory Dock,
3 mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
The other 2 got away with minor injuries.

Carol: I heard a mouse squeak.
Steven: Well, what do you want me to do? Oil it???

What's grey, has four legs, and a trunk?
A mouse on vacation.

2007-11-01 07:52:02 · 33 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A kindergarten student told his teached that he found a cat but it was dead.
' How do you know that the cat is dead?' The teacher asked.
'Because I pissed in his ear and he didn't move.' the student answered innocently.
'YOU DID WHAT!!!' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' the boy explained 'I leaned over and went psssst in its ear and it didn't move.'

2007-11-01 07:49:35 · 9 answers · asked by Patty M 5

This question has been bothering me for a while

2007-11-01 07:47:39 · 30 answers · asked by i got Qs do u have answers? 1

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

2007-11-01 07:38:47 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Russian, an American and a Blonde were discussing space travel. The American argued that because they were the first to put a man on the moon, America was superior in space travel. The blonde stated her kind were going to be far superior to Russia and America because they were going to be the first to land on the sun. The Russian asked the blonde if she was nuts. Didn't she know that it was impossible to land on the sun? The American asked her just how in the hell she thought they could accomplish this considering the heat and extreme brightness of the sun." well, duh!" the blonde replied. "we're going at night."

2007-11-01 07:28:28 · 30 answers · asked by Vanka 3

Little Johnny was watching T.V. and he heard people talking about politics. So he asked his dad "what are politics?” The dad says, "Johnny, let me tell you what politics are in my own words. Since I am the breadwinner of the family I am the capital. Since mommy deals with all the bills and taxes she is the government. Nanny is the working class since she takes care of you, you are the people and Danny (little brother) is the future." Then Johnny goes off and that night he hears Danny crying. So he goes in the room and notices that he pooped in his pants. Then he goes to his mom's room and she is ignoring him and telling him to go back to bed. So then he goes to the nanny’s room and finds his dad screwing her, so he leaves them alone and just forgets about Danny's poop in his pants. The next morning Johnny tells his dad what politics are in his own words. "Daddy, Daddy, I understand completely what politics are now. When the government is ignoring the people, the Capitol is screwing the working class and the future is in deep ****.

2007-11-01 07:20:13 · 7 answers · asked by Vanka 3