Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. I

2007-11-02 11:04:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

or insults, well since we pick on Blondes so damn much i guess it's time for some pay back, if you don't get it...oh well...i didn't get them all either, but don't take it personally...

Q. Do you know the true reason for all of these blonde jokes?
A. Brunettes and redheads think they look smart making them all up!

Q. What do you call a brunette between two blondes???
A. LUCKY! (She finally gets some attention!)

Q. What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A. A Redhead who has told one too many dumb blonde jokes.

Q. What does a redhead miss the most at a party?
A. The Invitation !

Q. Why are there so many blonde jokes?
A. Because the blondes are out with all the men, the brunettes and redheads have nothing better to do on Friday and Saturday nights.


now this is another one

This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.

She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'

2007-11-02 10:36:13 · 5 answers · asked by cai 4

in this paragraph.. continued paragrap actually. ineed to add apostrophes where they are missing and delete or correct them where they have been missused . this is the paragraph:

Her officers reports on her were always good. Wounded twice, she outwitted the doctors' and returned to her unit undetected; but when she came down with the " the fevers," a doctor discovered the secret that until then had been her's alone. ( Many of the distinctions among different illnesses that produce fevers- from typhoid to influenza- were not yet known; if patients had a high fever and it's accompanying discomforts for very long, they were diagnosed as having " the fevers.") Its no surprise that when her secret was finally told, her superior officers wouldnt believe it. Dressed in women's clothes, she was escorted to separate quarters not by military police but by her superior officers. Many years later, at Paul Reveres' suggestion, she donned the uniform again and went on speaking tours' to raise..

2007-11-02 10:27:27 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know
that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell.
She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."


Keep smiling
Jen x

2007-11-02 10:25:35 · 17 answers · asked by Jens 5

... This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a blue suit.
He asks, Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing? But, she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a check to buy one.
When she came back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it costs.
He says, "Actually it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the widow ift she would mind if her husband were to be buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.


So.... I switched the heads"

2007-11-02 10:16:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

just to be clear,it's not mine I took it from the web

Now, be honest, scroll slowly. Don't cheat and read the answers
before
answering the questions first.

"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test."

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As
we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use
it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or
non-loss of intelligence.


Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made
your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.




1. What do you put in a toaster?
















Answer: "bread." If you said "toast,"get up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

2007-11-02 10:06:54 · 10 answers · asked by Curious M. 3

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

2007-11-02 09:25:55 · 16 answers · asked by ♪♥ ginger spice ♥♪ 3

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.

"Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down.

Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
-------------

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need"), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw". The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I am coming...".

2007-11-02 09:23:54 · 9 answers · asked by ♪♥ ginger spice ♥♪ 3

If 10 squirrels filled their tree in 10 minutes, doubling their production every minute, when were they half way done?

2007-11-02 09:22:13 · 7 answers · asked by King of Biscuits 6

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom you still awake?"


YIKES !!!!!!

2007-11-02 09:19:11 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here's a the joke (is it funny or not?):

George W. Bush, Laura Bush, and Dick Cheney are flying in an airplane somewhere over the US. Mr. Bush says: "I'm so rich, I can throw a hundred dollar bill out the window and make one person really happy." Mr. Cheney says: " Well, I'm so rich, I can throw 10 ten dollar bills out the window and make 10 people happy." Mrs. Bush says: "Well, I'm so rich, I can throw 100 one dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy." Then the pilot says: "Well, I can throw the 3 of you out the window and make all of America happy."

So, funny or not?

2007-11-02 09:15:36 · 56 answers · asked by Jessica 6

I work in a dealership and i don't want to break anything but I want it to be hillarious! 10 points to the best!

2007-11-02 08:59:48 · 6 answers · asked by Tony_cipriani 2

She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No," she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

2007-11-02 08:53:45 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. you go to a party. sit down and take myspace pics
2.you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. the reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have aim/facebook/myspace
4. you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button
6. your evening activity is sitting at the computer
7. you read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.
8. you think about how stupid you are for reading this.
9. you were too busy to notice number five.
10. you actually scrolled back up to check if there was a number five.
11. and now your laughing at your stupidity


star if you like=]

2007-11-02 08:51:13 · 13 answers · asked by count olaf 4

2007-11-02 08:37:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy
appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into
a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one,
so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead
builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the
previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the
bridge.

2007-11-02 08:30:53 · 22 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

3 gay guys ( no offence ), were in a bath tub together ( dont ask me how ), and suddenly, a condom rose to the top, when one of them said,


" who farted " ?

2007-11-02 08:26:54 · 6 answers · asked by Galoucura09 3

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they
decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing
was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about
the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the
couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but
might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them
remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and
his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you
can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You
had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you
will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that
down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a
plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said
angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

2007-11-02 08:07:51 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house
in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady
opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs
inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning
this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned
on yet."

2007-11-02 07:56:01 · 23 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

you accompanied blind to the nearest store
blind told you to get some condom coz he runs out just last night. you pick three condom and blind told you
not that flavor take the strawberry.

the question is "how does blind knows its not a strawberry flavored condoms?"

2007-11-02 07:54:25 · 2 answers · asked by achiles30 1

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said."Take off my dress." He did this carefully."Jerves," she continued." Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, your fired

2007-11-02 06:12:20 · 5 answers · asked by Nosferatu 5

Well my friends it's a sad day for me as I've been reported for the last time, so I'm leaving the site and I leave you as I found you all with a joke. I just cant understand why people report jokes, for those of you who number as my friends "Keep Smiling" and "Don't let the bugger's get you down."
Good luck and good cheer to you all.
Jim.

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the
equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead.

"Oh, no! cried the lab technician." Your reproductive organs
just received a dose of radiation!"

"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.

"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will
be lawyers!"

2007-11-02 05:46:20 · 48 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

How did it happen ?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, about 20 some odd years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this
morning."
"Like I was sayin' ... 20 er so years ago, when I first started workin' on the farm, that night, right after I'd got in bed, the
farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room ...
She asked me if there was anythin' I wanted, and I said, "No, everythin's jus' fine."
"Are you sure ?" she asked me. "I'm sure," I tol' her. 'Isn't there anything I can do for you ?' she wanted to know.
'I reckon not,' I said."
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "But, what does this story have to do with your leg ?"
"Well, doc ... this mornin'," the farmhand explained, "when it suddenly dawned on me, outta' the blue, what she meant,
I fell off the roof."

2007-11-02 05:16:02 · 2 answers · asked by bernman101 6

9. Every Tuesday he insists it’s his turn to be the siren.

8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he’d look good in a collar.

7. He wants you to call him “Judge Dredd”, and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.

6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the “good cop”, and the other half is the “bad cop”.

5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.

4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.

3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.

2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.

1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

2007-11-02 05:15:46 · 14 answers · asked by tastybits 7

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying b@stard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back, "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

"I''ve lived next to that lying b@stard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!"

2007-11-02 05:01:20 · 10 answers · asked by barz 2

One night little johnny was having trouble sleeping, hearing strange noises from his parent's room he went in to ask if he could sleep in their bed, only to find his dad taking his mum from behind. He screamed and ran out amid cries from his parents that it was totally natural.

The next night the dad heard strange noises from little johnny's room. He went in to find little johnny taking his grandma roughly from behind. He turned to his dad and said 'see, it's not so funny when it's your mum is it?'

2007-11-02 04:43:30 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats the best thing to say b4 you fart like (have you ever been to the windy city) or (would you like a visit from the air force?)

2007-11-02 04:36:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's
dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes
downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still
barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in OUR backyard, let's just see how THEY like it."

2007-11-02 04:36:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

2007-11-02 03:51:53 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,
"Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied,
"We just love the chocolate around them."

2007-11-02 03:45:52 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous