Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

ok if a man is in new york reading the london news paper and he reads about this girl who jumped off a london highrise how does he know she didnt jump?

2007-11-02 03:42:37 · 7 answers · asked by omscrazycort 1

2007-11-02 03:39:08 · 2 answers · asked by Terminator o 1

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls
and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.
Silly woman..........why else would I buy dog food?? LOL

2007-11-02 03:33:37 · 42 answers · asked by vlf126 3

They wanted to do their hogwash.

2007-11-02 03:13:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Teacher asks why he's late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull.

Annoyed, teacher demands, "Can't your father do that?" Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, "Well, sure... but the bull can do it better."

2007-11-02 03:05:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-02 02:42:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after
three." "Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?" "Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?"
"A Jack."

2007-11-02 00:50:08 · 20 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I
hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."

2007-11-02 00:03:45 · 23 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

to stop them whistling all the way down.

2007-11-01 23:58:03 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was Career day at school. The teacher asked the children in the class to come up in turn and tell the rest of the class what their father does for a living and spell it. The first little girl came up and said
"My Dad is a Baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he was here right now he would give us all a cookie" "Very good Susie" replied the teacher. The teacher called on Sammy next
"My dad is a Banker, b -a -n -k -e -r, and if he were here right now he would give all of us a quarter!" "Very good!" replied the teacher. Next the teacher called on Peter. Peter stood in front of the class and said
"My Dad is an electrician, e-l-c-k-i...I give up!" The teacher noticed little Johnny in the back squirming in his chair saying "pick me! pick me!" so she reluctantly called on him. Little Johnny stood up and said
" My Dad is a Bookie, b- o- o- k- i- e, and if he were here right now he would lay us all 10-to-1 odds that Peter will never spell electrician!"

2007-11-01 23:46:59 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Two friends meet in the street. The one lad looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"I'd like that."
"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
"The how come you look so glum?"
"And this week - nothing!"

2007-11-01 23:36:00 · 34 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A fireman is running to get a net under a lady who looks like
she might jump off the balcony of her 20 story apartment
building. There is nothing below her except a 20 story fall. The
fireman is still 100 yards away when she falls and can't nearly
get there in time. The woman is not hurt more than a bruise. How
is that possible?

2007-11-01 23:33:08 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it. It was far out of reach.
A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak. "Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow. "Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."
The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to f**k an elephant." "Be my guest!", said the elephant.
So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started f**king. In the trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head. "OUCH!", said the elephant.
Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

2007-11-01 23:30:12 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Desperate, a boss, took a look of his watch, and convinced that his employee wouldn't make it on time to render a report in an important reunion about to start, decided to call to his house. "Hello" says a little boy's voice almost whispering. "Hello, Is you dad home?" "He is." Says the little boy whispering. "Can I talk to him?" "No" says the boy vwry low. A little irritated, the boss tried to talk with another adult. "What about your mom, is she there?" "She is" "Can I talk to her?" "No, she's busy." There's amybody else there?" "Yess..." says the boy. "Who?" "A cop" Little surprised the bos continous: "And, What is he doing there?" "He's talking with mom, dad and a fireman." Hearing a big noise in the other side of the phone, the boss scareed asked "What's that noise?" Is a helicopter" "A helocopter?" "Yes, is a searching squad." A searching squad?" "What's going on there? What are they searching for?" And with a little giggle the boy says "Me"

2007-11-01 23:27:22 · 12 answers · asked by Javy 7

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two! The tricks getting them in there!

2007-11-01 23:10:24 · 11 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell us how wonderful we are. Women have their faults. Men have only two: Everything they say; Everything they do. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The Style Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

2007-11-01 23:06:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

here's a lil joke i came up with, want you guys opinions if its good. maybe it should be told in a different way.

i've been down with the flu recently. lots of sneezing especially. now there's a saying ppl sneeze when others thing abt em. so looks like i found the reason how come on so sick.

another joke:
the 40 year old virgin dies and goes to heaven. now coz he died a virgin he thinks gods got something special for him. he sees virgin mary and goes and stands nex to her. she asks him why are u standing next to me, he says well ur a virgin right. i'm one too. then virgin mary bursts out laughing. the guy looks at good and asks she's a virgin right. god replies to him, 'u really believed that' and bursts out laughing too

2007-11-01 23:00:46 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young lady had just emerged from a hot bath when the
doorbell rang. Dripping wet, she ran to the door and
called out, 'I can't let you in - Iv'e just got out the bath.'
'That's all right, lady,' said a voice from the other side of
the door, 'I'm a blind salesman.'
'All right, then,' said the young lady and she opened the
door.
'Thanks,' said the man. 'Where shall i put the blinds?'

2007-11-01 22:47:19 · 19 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

The Fahrenheit Temperature Scale
50 degrees :Southerners turn on their heating. People in Newcastle plant their gardens.40 degrees : Southerners shiver uncontrollably. People in Newcastle sunbathe.35 degrees : Southern cars will not start. People in Newcastle drive with the windows open. 20 degrees :Southerners wear coats, gloves and wool hats. People in Newcastle throw on a T-shirt. (Girls wear mini-skirts).15 degrees : Southerners begin to evacuate. People in Newcastle go swimming in the North Sea.0 degrees : Southern landlords turn up the heat. People in Newcastle have the last barbecue before it gets cold. -10 degrees:Southerners cease to exist. People in Newcastle throw on a lightweight jacket. -80 degrees: Polar bears wonder if it’s worth it. Boy scouts in Newcastle start wearing long trousers. -100 degrees: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Newcastle put on their long johns.
-173 degrees: Alcohol freezes. People in Newcastle become frustrated because pubs are shut

2007-11-01 22:45:49 · 11 answers · asked by megawale 2

10 Things in Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

2007-11-01 22:27:07 · 23 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

this bloke goes to his local hairdressers, says hi, erm could you possibly cut my hair a bit slanted on the front, a bit thicker on this side than the other, and some big clumps on the top, please. the hairdresser replies..... w-well i cant do that. the man replies well you f**king managed it last week when i came in did'nt you

2007-11-01 22:25:15 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Young Tommy walks into bathroom. He catches Mom in the shower. She is washing between her legs. Tommy notes blood. Mom, mom you are bleeding. She panics and tries to hide herself feeling ashamed. What happened?
Mom what happened he asks! Damn she thinks how do I explain to a youngster. Oh she said without thought. Dad got to close with the car, and the wing mirror caught and cut me. Woah shouted Tommy what a good shot he cut your ***** off!

2007-11-01 19:39:02 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

what will u think of when someone mentions 2 pingpong balls and a hotdog loves 2 slices salmon?

2007-11-01 19:33:50 · 12 answers · asked by Tan Boon Hwee K 1

be ORiGiNAL please. =)

10 points to whoever makes me laugh the hardest.

2007-11-01 19:17:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on.”

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, “Take this money and for God’s Sakes, buy yourself a razor!”

2007-11-01 18:56:47 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

2007-11-01 18:16:11 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

answer: a cross dresser

2007-11-01 18:06:06 · 4 answers · asked by ♥ cat furrever ♥ 6

A guy asks his friend, "how do I know if my fiancee is a virgin"? He said , thats easy, on your weding night, jump out into the room naked holding your thing in your hand, and ask her what it is! If she sais it's a "Tallywhacker", she's a virgin. If she calls it a "Love-Stick" you know she has had it plenty before. So, taking his friends advice, on his wedding night, he jumps out into the room stark-naked and sais "BABY, WHATS THIS? Chuckling, she sais, "Thats a Tallywhacker you silly". Sweating,, the groom sais whoo! for a minute there I thought you were gonna call it a "Love-Stick"! she laughs again and sais no you silly, everyone knows a "Love-Stick" is 14 inches long, and at least 5 inches round you dummy! Needless to say their Honeymoon ended 15 minutes later, lol.

2007-11-01 16:44:17 · 9 answers · asked by KatVic 4

>_>;
Uhm.
Well, me and this kid are doing this dumb PHAIL thing.
Like, he goes ___=PHAIL (Something I like)
And I have to say something back.
Well, I can't think of anything else.
Example:
him; YOUR DOG SO PHAILS
Me; YOUR MOM=PHAIL!
(I've already used a bunch of em' like that. Relatives, food, things. I NEED SOMTHING GOOD! I REFUSE TO LOSE!!! xO) So yeah. Please help. And come up with something good. x.x;

2007-11-01 16:09:44 · 8 answers · asked by duurrrrr :D 1

2007-11-01 15:51:16 · 12 answers · asked by Cierra B 1