Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

the statement below is false
the statement above is true

2007-11-01 15:45:53 · 12 answers · asked by hsm 4

ok , heres the riddle: What walks on 4 , after they walk on 2 , and when they get old they walk on 3.
ok closest or first answer correct gets 110 points! Hint hint: It's a living thing!

2007-11-01 15:35:05 · 16 answers · asked by Maboroshi 3

"What`ll you have?" asks the barman.

"Anything but a Canadian Club" says the seal.

2007-11-01 15:27:20 · 8 answers · asked by Richo Fev 5

7 letter word, ill post the answer in a bit

2007-11-01 15:23:48 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Taxman made a case against a Jewish prostitute who claimed expenses and stated on her tax return her occupation to be a POULTRY farmer. ”But Sir,“ she pleaded in court, ”I have raised 200 cocks during last year!“

2007-11-01 14:43:56 · 22 answers · asked by Trucky 5

Alright, just a hypothetical.... but here goes lol..

if youre driving in a car, and put your fist out the window, and clock some guy on the side of the road as youre travelling 100 km/h, what takes more damage, your fist, or his head?

2007-11-01 14:41:48 · 11 answers · asked by superlocke 1

This one attorney says, 'my client was found on the scene of the crime at the jewlery store. Now I'm saying that my client wasn't the one who stole the jewlery, my client's HAND stole the jewels. Now i suggest that my client's hand should stay in jail, not my client.'
Then the judge says, 'Fine then. The criminals HAND is sentenced to five years in jail.'
Then the client/criminal goes in front of the judge and says, 'thank you so much for this misunderstandment.'
Then he takes of his prosthetic arm and walks out.

2007-11-01 14:29:40 · 13 answers · asked by the soccer guy 3

Goldilocks climbed in a window!

2007-11-01 14:20:39 · 20 answers · asked by jack 5

did rico shoot tony because he flew across the bar?
or
did tony shoot rico because he went up in to far?

2007-11-01 14:10:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse, Your call !

2007-11-01 13:59:08 · 17 answers · asked by Trucky 5

Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they`re born?
To knock the stupid penises off.

A man comes in late one night to find his wife in bed screwing his best friend........he shot the dog.

Why do men love computers?
No matter what mood they are in they can still get a floppy in.

Whats the difference between a man and e.t?
At least e.t phoned home.

How many men does it take to fix a leaky faucet?
Two, one to look up yellow pages, other to dial the number.

Whats the difference between a cats litter box and a man?
The litterbox gets pusssy 3-4 times a day without begging for it.

If men could get pregnant....abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive through windows

2007-11-01 13:55:06 · 16 answers · asked by Bubbles 2

If Larry Owns Videos, Every Hacker Then Smokes?

2007-11-01 13:53:18 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

isnt it good to have a laugh sometimes.

2007-11-01 13:29:15 · 23 answers · asked by LYNDA M 5

what did the captain of the space shuttle challenger say to his kids before he left the house to go on his mission? "can you guys feed the the dog? and I'll feed the fish later.

2007-11-01 12:57:01 · 11 answers · asked by Bigpoppa 2

are stranded on a desert island. After a couple of months nature takes it's course and they end up doing what they have to do. After another 6 months the woman is so disgusted with what she is doing that she kills herself. After another couple of months nature once again takes it's course and the 2 men end up doing what they have to do. Another 6 months go by and by this time the men are so disgusted with what they are doing they bury her body (again)

2007-11-01 12:49:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A "one-L" Lama is a Tibetan monk.
A "two-L" LLama is a beast of burden.
What is a "three-L" LLLama?

ANSWER: a big fire.

I DONT GET IT??! if you do, will you please explain it to me?

2007-11-01 12:42:21 · 6 answers · asked by yayitsamberx0x0 1

A man is kissing a woman on her lips and suddenly her lips start bleeding. The man asks, "Why are your lips bleeding, did i bite them?" She replies, "No. im just havin my period."

A man with a big smile on his face walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What are you having then?"
Man replies, "Gimme 12 shots of rum, 5 tequilas and a cup of coffee"
The man gulps them down as fast as he can make them and lights up a cigarette.
"So whats the occassion?" asks the bartender.
"Just had my first blo job" replies the man.
"Really how was it?" replies the bartender.
Man replied, "Not too bad but i can still taste it!"

2007-11-01 12:39:05 · 17 answers · asked by Bubbles 2

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself :
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread ."

2007-11-01 12:30:25 · 6 answers · asked by Land Warrior 4

we are having trouble when we do it, we cant get it out after, so we have to roll off the bed roll out of the bedroom roll along the landing and roll into the bath, then we can turn on the cold tap and pull it out, can you help us doc." yes i think i can, have you tryed doing it doggy doggy".says doc. " oh will that help us pull it out"say newly weds. " no" says the doc" but it will be easy to get to the bathroom.

2007-11-01 12:29:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

my friend is sad and i need to cheer him up

2007-11-01 12:27:18 · 5 answers · asked by philly cheese 1

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears:Bump...BUMP...BUMP...Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behindhim FASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP... BUMP...He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clappingclappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP.. clappity-BUMP...on his heels, the terrified man runs.Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.Bumping and clapping toward him.The man screams and reaches for something, anything,but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...AND The coffin stops

2007-11-01 11:48:14 · 12 answers · asked by d s 3

you threw away the outside and cooked the inside. Then you ate the outside and threw away the inside. What did you eat

2007-11-01 11:46:19 · 45 answers · asked by Ryan M 1

ok, needed your attention, is this funny to you?


smart salesman:
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked –
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

not lol funny but i always enjoy this one

2007-11-01 11:30:29 · 15 answers · asked by cai 4

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to
buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
the T-shirt she can go F**K herself

2007-11-01 11:29:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

This little guy comes in from playing, He can't find his Mom anywhere, He walks past the bathroom and hears water running,He opens the door and his Mom is having a shower,Hi Mom he says,Hello Son says the mother,Whatca doing? asks the son,I'm having a shower says the Mom,The boy looks down and asks Whats that between Your legs Mom,Thats ah My sponge son...Oh O.K. bye Mom says the son, The next week,Same thing,The boy can't find his Mom anywhere,He Hears the water in the bathroom running (Mom has had an operation - Been shaved)...Hello Mom says the boy,Whatcha doing?..Having a shower answers the Mom,The boy looks down and asks Mom, Wheres Your sponge?...I..Uh..Lost it son...O.K. says the boy, Bye Mom.Off he goes..The next day the boy runs into the house in a panic..Mom, Mom, Mom, He is saying, What is it ,What is it Son asks the Mom..I found Your sponge, I found Your sponge, says the boy..Oh really, Where was it asks the Mom..The nice lady next door is washing Daddies face with it :-)

2007-11-01 11:26:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk at the bar goes to the restroom and a few minutes later the bartender heard a scream coming from that direction. Then a few seconds later another loud scream, the bartender says " what was that?" Then a few seconds later again another blood curtiling scream, and the bartender says " okay, I've got to see what's going on in there." He goes in the bathroom and asks " hey mister are you okay ?" he replies " yes but everytime I FLUSH THIS THING i get this pain in my ba**s." The bartender says " well you damn drunk, your sitting on the mop bucket!!"

2007-11-01 11:23:52 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

his phone numbers !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol

2007-11-01 11:19:07 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

at a rich a*s boarding school in london, the girls were putting on bright red lipstick and kissing the restroom mirrors
every night the janitor has to clean it up but the kissing doesn't stop
so the janitor asked the principal to bring the girls in the restroom for a short assembly as they walked in they notice their kisses on the mirror
wen the janitor started talking he said

" ok i would like to know who did these ."
all the girls raised their hands

" now listen. i always have to clean the mirrors so could you please stop? "
silence

" ok fine then ill just show you how i clean it up."

he goes to one of the toilet stalls and dips a sponge in the toilet water
he brings it up to the mirror and starts wiping the mirror with it.....

from then on all the kissy marks dissapeared.

hope yu enjoyed!!

2007-11-01 11:13:20 · 6 answers · asked by XstineeyX 2

Little Johnny walked up to a whore house carry a dead, flattened out frog. He tells the lady who runs it "I want to have sex with someone who has a disease" The woman tells him noone hear has any stds. Little Johnny replies "I heard the men at the bar saying how Abigail gave them herpes" The woman says alright fine and Little Johnny hands her the money. He goes upstairs and does what he went there to do. He comes back downstairs and the woman asks, why, out of all the girls here, did you want the only one who has a disease. So Little Johnny says, Tonight, my dad hired my babysitter Stacey, and Stacey, is going to have sex with me like she always does. Dad will then drive her home, but on the way, they will stop and have as well. Dad will then come home for a quicky with mom. Tomorrow when dad leaves for work, the milk man will come to deliver our milk. He will come inside and have sex with mom. The milk man is the bas**** who ran over my frog!

2007-11-01 11:01:29 · 17 answers · asked by Courtney[Catastrophe] 3

Little Johnny walked up to a whore house carry a dead, flattened out frog. He tells the lady who runs it "I want to have sex with someone who has a disease" The woman tells him noone hear has any stds. Little Johnny replies "I heard the men at the bar saying how Abigail gave them herpes" The woman says alright fine and Little Johnny hands her the money. He goes upstairs and does what he went there to do. He comes back downstairs and the woman asks, why, out of all the girls here, did you want the only one who has a disease. So Little Johnny says, Tonight, my dad hired my babysitter Stacey, and Stacey, is going to have sex with me like she always does. Dad will then drive her home, but on the way, they will stop and have as well. Dad will then come home for a quicky with mom. Tomorrow when dad leaves for work, the milk man will come to deliver our milk. He will come inside and have sex with mom. The milk man is the bas**** who ran over my frog!

2007-11-01 11:01:23 · 9 answers · asked by Courtney[Catastrophe] 3