my friend is sad and i need to cheer him up
2007-11-01 12:27:18 · 5 answers · asked by philly cheese 1 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Teacher: *points to Johnny* OK Johnny, tell us your riddle!
Johnny: *gets up and stands in front of class* What starts with 'F' and ends with 'uck'?
Teacher: *gasps*
Nobody raises their hand.
Johnny: Firetruck!
______________________________...
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
______________________________...
A husband and wife were involved in an argument, both
of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
______________________________...
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few
items. She headed for the express line where the clerk
was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check
me out?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her
up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
______________________________...
There are three girls a blond, a brunette, and a red-head.They are walking through a forest.The Brunette says " Eagle" and she turns into an eagle and flys away. The Red-head says " Sparrow" and she flys away as a sparrow. The blond trips over the root of tree and says ''Oh poo".
______________________________...
A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," !
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."
The blonde says,
"Don't worry."
She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says..
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."
____________________________________...
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
______________________________...
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign..
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
______________________________...
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______________________________...
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
______________________________...
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday ! you said it's H to O.
______________________________...
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have to day that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________________________...
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________________________...
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
______________________________...
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his
father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________...
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________...
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
______________________________...
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
_______________________________
A lady was taking a shower and the doorbell rang. It was a racecar driver. She put on her bathrobe and went outside.
"Aren't you going to congratulate me? I just won a race!"
"Congratulations!"
And the lady went back in the shower.
A few minutes later, the doorbell rang again! This time, it was a couple with a baby. She put on her bathrobe and went outside.
"Aren't you going to congratulate us? We just had a baby!"
"Congratulations!"
And the lady went back in the shower.
A few minutes later, the doorbell rang agian! This time, it was the blind man. Since he was blind the lady didn't bother putting her bathrobe on. The lady went outside.
"Aren't you going to congratulate me?" The blind man said, "I can see agiain!"
2007-11-01 13:11:55 · answer #1 · answered by a 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hope this can cheer up your sad friend...
A German, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.
The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times.
When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
or this...
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
2007-11-01 20:57:13 · answer #2 · answered by Alexiolim 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A mushroom walks into a bar & the bartender says, "I'm sorry. We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom asks., "why not? I'm a fun guy!" (fungi)
A sandwich walks into a bar & the bartender says, "We don't serve food here!"
Last one..........Jumper cables walk into a bar & ask if they can be served. The bartender says "yes, just don't start anything!!!"
2007-11-01 19:42:54 · answer #3 · answered by shermynewstart 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side.
Why did the cow cross the road? He was tied to the chicken!
2007-11-01 19:31:38 · answer #4 · answered by Bron Bahlmann 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
What did the elephant do across the road???
About two mile n' hour
2007-11-01 19:52:54 · answer #5 · answered by wildperonss123456789 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋