Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

At the end of this message, you are asked a question.

Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.


Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.


This is a fun 'test'... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it
a try, and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same
percentage as you. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are
among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what that means after you
finish taking the test'.


Now... Just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.



Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the
previous one..



You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it
using your mind.


You'll be surprised.



Start:

How much is:


15 + 6









3 + 56








89 + 2
















12 + 53


















75 + 26
























25 + 52













63 + 32


















I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..


Come on, one more!















123 + 5

















QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!






























!











Scroll further to the bottom.


















A bit more...

















You just thought about a red hammer! , didn't you?



If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a
different, if not abnormal, mind.

98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.

If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.

Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%
and send to everyone, including the person that sent it to you.

2007-11-03 09:21:01 · 46 answers · asked by Anonymous

Not enough sand.

2007-11-03 08:46:44 · 10 answers · asked by Laughing Out Loud 1

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies" She asked, "How many have forgiven your enemies?" About half held up their hands.

She repeated the question, now about 80% raised their hands. She repeated the question again, all raised their hands except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any" she responded.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three" she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, would you please come forward and explain to the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said:.................................................


"It's easy. I just outlived those b!tches."

2007-11-03 08:43:53 · 17 answers · asked by Sparky 5

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

2007-11-03 08:40:44 · 21 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.


At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'


'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damn blanket!'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

2007-11-03 08:36:19 · 21 answers · asked by Sparkles 7

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. " My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.


Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.


About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

2007-11-03 08:33:05 · 5 answers · asked by Sparkles 7

A man and wife are in bed. He f.arts and shouts, "Goal". His wife f.arts and shouts "One all!"
When the score gets to two - all, the man strains so hard he s.hi*s the bed.
His wife says "What the hell was that?" "
Half time - swap sides!"

2007-11-03 08:30:24 · 9 answers · asked by jaybwfc 2

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local townhall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"


"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.


Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.


"What happened?"??asked her waiting friend.


"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

2007-11-03 08:28:58 · 16 answers · asked by Sparky 5

Paper t1ts

2007-11-03 08:28:01 · 13 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

Two dwarves pull two girls and take them home. First dwarf can't get it up!..and to make things worse all night he can hear the second dwarf saying "Here I come again 1...2...3...Uhhhh"

The next morning, the first dwarf says to the second, "How embarassing, I couldn't even get an erection!!"
Second dwarf says "You think thats bad!? I couldn't even get on the fooking bed!"

2007-11-03 08:07:07 · 2 answers · asked by jaybwfc 2

You'll need the following:

1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK.
Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

2007-11-03 07:52:58 · 11 answers · asked by Sparky 5

A man took his wife on vacation to Florida once. They stayed in a resort hotel, swam on the beach, and spent hundreds on the beachside souveneir shops. When it finally came time to go, they were having trouble fitting everything into their suitcases. But finally, they managed to squeeze everything in, and caught a taxi to the airport.

But when the man's carry-on luggage set the metal detector off, the security guard informed him that they were going to have to open it. "Oh, great," said the man, thinking of all the compressed articles inside. "It's going to EXPLODE."

One week later they were let out of prison.

2007-11-03 07:27:13 · 18 answers · asked by Ory O Oreo 3

Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested recently for attempting to cause a similar injury to her husband.

She missed, however, and made a long cut to his leg.

She is being held on a misdeweiner charge.

2007-11-03 07:06:58 · 10 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Q: WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius

Q: WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
A:(they don't have enough time

Q: WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
A: you need a rough draft before you make the finished copy.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

And some one-liners:

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

2007-11-03 06:45:20 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a "house of ill repute" and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have s*x with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in, once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said "No". The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have s*x with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her o*e in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have s*x, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and

HE'S the pr**k who ran over my FROG!"

2007-11-03 05:57:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

The road to success... is always under construction.

In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear brighter before you actually hear them speak.

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich which never works.

If at first you don't succeed.. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.

If you have played hooky, the professor has taken attendance.

2007-11-03 05:32:37 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde keeps having the same weird dream, so she goes to her doctor.
Doctor: "What is your dream about?"
Blonde: "I am being chased by a vampire..."
Doctor: "So, where are you in this dream?"
Blonde: "I am running in a hallway."
Doctor: "Then what happens?"
Blonde: "Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to a door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won't budge!"
Doctor: "Does the door have any letters on it?"
Blonde: "Yes."
Doctor: "And what do these letter spell?"
Blonde: "P.. U... L... L..."

2007-11-03 05:17:06 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"

They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
very selfhood revealed."

And Jesus replied, "What?"

2007-11-03 05:10:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A maid wanted an increase.

Sarah was upset about it and asked: Now Gloria, why do you think I should pay you more?

Gloria: Well Sarah, there are three reasons for that. The first is I iron better than you.

Sarah: Who said you iron better than me?

Gloria: Your husband.

Sarah: Did he say that?

Gloria: The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.

Sarah: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?

Gloria: Your husband did.

Sarah: OK

Gloria: The third reason is I am a better lover than you.

Sarah: (Now getting mad at her) Did my husband say that as well?

Gloria: No, the gardener did!

2007-11-03 03:58:49 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a blonde brunnette and a red head approached a river full of sharks and crocodiles and stuff and they were trying to figure out a way to get across. The red head (ranger) tried to swim across but she got eaten and then the brunnette tried to jump across but she didn�t make it and got eaten. Then the blonde says ” I know ill use that bridge over there to make a boat to get across! “

2007-11-03 03:53:08 · 23 answers · asked by ♥ 2

Can anyone can give me a good joke? Pls...

2007-11-03 03:41:56 · 12 answers · asked by Music23 2

Proof that Jesus was Australian:

He wore thongs.
He was a chippy, who like all good union members didn't work on Sundays.
His favourite past times were fishing, camping, going 4-wheel donkeying, and most of his mates were fishermen.
He seemed to know a lot of prostitutes.
His mates all had nicknames: The Rock, The Doubter, Simon Peter, The Baptist, so on and so forth.
The only time he went to church as a young bloke he got into a fight.
He was a champion surfer, it was like he could walk on water.
He did a mean barbeque, 5000 people rock up, no wuckers throw a few fresh caught fish on the barbie, some buns and a bit of mum's potato salad (it's in the Gospel of Thomas, trust me) and bob's your uncle.
No one is exactly sure where he was earning his quid from but he had a mate in the tax office so it was all sweet.
And to top it all off, he turned water into alcohol and if that isn't an Australian miracle I don't know what is!

2007-11-03 02:39:31 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

there are 3 men and they are walkin thier dogs when they come 2 a mountain. they challenge each other to walk thier dog up it. the first man gets a third of the way up, the second gets 2 thirds of the way up and the 3rd gets allthe way up and down. the other 2 men say " how did u do that" the third says" im not dumb im not thick, i tied a knot in my dogs dick" :)

2007-11-03 00:03:12 · 22 answers · asked by Jonny 2

Just wondering - I haven't heard a god one in ages lol!

2007-11-02 23:43:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

2007-11-02 22:25:54 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

When the hospital Board of Directors asked a panel of doctors to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital,
the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.
the Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but
the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve,
the Obstetricians stated they were all labouring under a misconception.
the Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted;
the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body," while
the Paediatricians said, "Grow up!"
the Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and
the Radiologists could see right through it.
the Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow;
the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter".
the Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

2007-11-02 21:47:06 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

The many meanings of P-M-S:
>
>1. P *** M y Shotgun
>
>
>
>2.Psychotic Mood S hift
>
>
>3.Perpetual M unching S pree
>
>
>4.Puffy M id-S ection
>
>
>5.P eople Make me Sick
>
>
>6.ProvideMe with S weets
>
>
>7.Pardon M y Sobbing
>
>
>8P imples May S urface
>
>
>9.Pass M y S weatpants
>
>
>10.P issy M ood Syndrome
>
>
>11.Plainly; Men S uck
>
>
>12.Pack M y S tuff
>
>
>.....and my favorite one..
>
>
>13.Potential Murder S uspect
>And as an example
>
>Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
>
>A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?
>Because no one else in this house knows HOW to
>change a light bulb! They don't even know that the
>bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark
>for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And,
>once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to
>find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in
>the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS!

2007-11-02 21:43:58 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large
> > property for several years. He had a dam in the next
> > paddock, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe
> > courts, and some mango and avocado trees. The dam was
> > properly shaped
> > and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
> >
> > One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
> > dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it
> > over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back
> > some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices
> > shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he
> > saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
> > his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and
> > they all went to the deep end.
> >
> > One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
> > until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come
> > down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
> > get out of the dam naked. " Holding the bucket up he
> > said,

2007-11-02 21:35:47 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

( the actual AP headline)
Lisa Burnet,23,a resident of san diego,was visiting her in-laws,and while there she went to a near by supermarket to buy some groceries.Several people noticed her sitting in the car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed,with both hands behind the back of her head.One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.he asked if she was ok and lisa replied that she had been shot in the back of her head and she had been holding her brains in for over an hour.The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car as the doors were locked,and lisa refused to remove her hands from her head.When they finally got in they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough in the back of her head...A pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat making a loud noise like a shot,and the wad of dough hit her on the back of the head.

2007-11-02 21:31:05 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush
>tribe whose men all had pen*ses 24 inches long. When a male reaches a
>certain age, a string is tied around his pe*is and on the other end is a
>weight. After a while, the weight stretches the pe*is to 24 inches.
>
>Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife >
>looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African
>string-and-weight procedure?"
>The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his pe*is.
>A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
>experiment coming along?"
>"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
>"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?", She cheered.
>"No, it's turned black.

2007-11-02 21:28:39 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous