Give Me A Joke?

Question

Can anyone can give me a good joke? Pls...

Just a short joke...

Answer 1

A kid was taking a shower with his mom and asks, "what are those things on your chest?" Not wanting to answer she changed the subject. The next day the boy went up to his dad and asked "What are those things on Mommy's chest?" he replied "They are balloons so when Mommy dies they will inflate and she will float to heaven. A couple weeks later the father comes home early and his son runs out and says "Daddy, Daddy, Mom is dying" the father ask "what are you talking about?" "Well, Uncle Harry is blowing up her balloons and she's yelling 'Oh God I'm coming'"

Answer 2

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.



The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’



Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.



One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:



At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”



However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…



A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Answer 3

A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."

or this?

While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV, and dumped out my beer.

Answer 4

Calculater Joke

Two students in 5th grade were told to use calculater in a sentence, first student was a young white kid who said: I will finish my math homework with the help of a calculater
Second kid which is a young Mexican boy said: Okay teacher, I go play with my friends and I go cacalater.

Answer 5

This may not be the best joke. But, it is a good one. Hope, you would enjoy it. It is a joke from India.
----------------------------------------

A Man to God

Man:"Give me a bag full of money, a job and a vehicle full of girls"

God replies:"Tathaastu puttar" {so it be, my son}
and made him a bus conductor of BEST ladies special bus!(This is in Bombay)

moral: be specific on your requirement always........

Answer 6

A person for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the
exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with father
in the essay and>it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS,
SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE
FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.
hahaha

Answer 7

What's the difference between your sister and the library?

I haven't f***ed the library.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

Answer 8

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See?
A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?"

"No Honey, Its because you're 24."

Answer 9

What's long and round and hard and full of seaman ?

A Submarine.

Answer 10

what sucks about being a black jew?

you have to sit at the back of the oven