Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the s*x counselor suggested that they vary their positions.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheel barrel. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions - First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's house."

2007-11-04 01:13:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

At the nursing home, Ed and Sally sat side by side in their
wheelchairs every day. While they were too old to get it
down, Sally did agree to Ed's one simple request...
she would reach under his gown and hold his di*k in her hand...
They enjoyed each other's company for several months
this way. Then one day, Ed didn't show up anymore. After
a couple of weeks she learned that Ed had found a new lady
friend.
Sally rolled up to Ed one afternoon. "What does that
lady have that I don't have?" she asked. "Parkinson's"
Ed replied.
---------------------------------
A young soldier comes back from a 10 month tour of duty to
find his girlfriend is 6 months pregnant and claiming it's
his. Unsure if she's telling the truth, he decides to go
to a doctor and ask him if his girlfriend's lying or
not. After explaining the situation, the doctor thinks for
a moment and says, "This is what we call a grudge pregnancy."
The young soldier asks, "What's a grudge pregnancy?"

2007-11-04 00:19:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Forget world peace. Visualize using your indicators.

If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the government made so many of them.

If you Drink, Don’t Park – Accidents cause People.

Who Lit the Fuse on your Tampon?

If that Phone was up you’re A*se, maybe you could drive a little better.

To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying ‘No Hard Feelings’

If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken …..Watch for Finger.

It’s Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Bogey.

If You’re Not A Haemorrhoid, Get Off My A*se

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.
Fight Crime – Shoot Back

Saw it……….Wanted it…………..Had a Tantrum………Got it!

Grow Your Own Dope – Plant a Man.

You Can’t Scare Me, I Have Children.

2007-11-03 23:43:17 · 27 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

or do you go off with the right hump feeling embarressed

2007-11-03 22:48:46 · 30 answers · asked by louise d 6

I got this from http://www.mindchallenger.com There are new puzzles and answers at the beginning of each month. Try to solve this before going there for the answer.

Find the error. Its impossible!

A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z

Did you know that 80% of UCSD students could not find the error above?

2007-11-03 19:07:49 · 14 answers · asked by J S 2

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.

He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

2007-11-03 18:50:04 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

2007-11-03 18:48:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three businessmen walk into a hotel. The front desk tells them the cost for a room is $30.00. The men give $10.00 each and go up to their room. Several minutes later the manager comes to the front desk and tells the clerk the businessmen should only be charged $25.00. The manager gives the clerk five $1 bills and tells him to give the businessmen their change.

As the clerk is walking up to the room he realizes he can't divide $5 equally between three people. He decides to give the businessmen $1 each and keep $2 for a tip.

Each of the three businessman has now paid $9.00 ($10.00 initially and $1.00 back).

Nine dollars times three businessmen equally $27 dollars ($9.00 X 3 = $27.00). Plus the $2.00 the clerk took as a tip. ($27.00 + $2.00 = $29.00)

That's a total of $29, but the businessmen payed $30 originally.

What happened to the last dollar?

2007-11-03 18:31:21 · 9 answers · asked by felonius_monkey 3

come on people give me ur best short jokes see who has the best..!

2007-11-03 18:18:15 · 35 answers · asked by black smoke 1

A group of girlfriends is on holiday when they see a 5 story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only".
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin."
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

2007-11-03 16:59:39 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everyone has heard this before. Just curious what people think. What came first, the egg or the chicken?

2007-11-03 16:47:58 · 6 answers · asked by Beautiful Disaster 4

i wonder what happens to the tv schedule at that time, do shows get repeated because the hours repeat or does it just keep going..
i never thought about that before. any one have any ideas about this one? 10 pts up for grabs ;]

2007-11-03 15:46:29 · 19 answers · asked by Tinkerbellx6 3

One of my bygone recollections As I recall the days of yore
Is the little house, behind the house, With the crescent over the door.
'Twas a place to sit and ponder With your head bowed down low;
Knowing that you wouldn't be there, If you didn't have to go.
Ours was a three-holer, With a size for every one.
You left there feeling better, After your usual job was done.
You had to make these frequent trips Whether snow, rain, sleet, or fog-
To the little house where you usually Found the Sears-Roebuck catalog.
Oft times in dead of winter, The seat was covered with snow.
'Twas then with much reluctance, To the little house you'd go.
With a swish you'd clear the seat, Bend low, with dreadful fear
You'd blink your eyes and grit your teeth As you settled on your rear.
I recall the day Grandpa, Who stayed with us one summer,
Made a trip to the shanty Which proved to be a hummer.
'Twas the same day my Dad Finished painting the kitchen green.
He'd just cleaned up the mess he's made With rags and gasoline.
He tossed the rags in the shanty hole And went on his usual way
Not knowing that by doing so He would eventually rue the day.
Now Grandpa had an urgent call, I never will forget!!!
This trip he made to the little house Lingers in my memory yet.
He sat down on the shanty seat, With both feet on the floor.
Then filled his pipe with tobacco And struck a match on the outhouse door.
After the tobacco began to glow, He slowly raised his rear:
Tossed the flaming match in the open hole, with no sign of fear.
The blast that followed, I am sure Was heard for miles around;
And there was poor ol' Grandpa just sitting on the ground.
The smoldering pipe was still in his mouth, His suspenders he held tight;
The celebrated three-holer Was blown clear out of sight.
When we asked him what had happened, His answer I'll never forget.
He thought it must be something That he had recently et!
Next day we had a new one Which my Dad built with ease.
With a sign on the entrance door Which read: No Smoking, Please!
Now that's the end of the story, With memories of long ago,
Of the little house, behind the house Where we went cause we had to go!



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2007-11-03 14:45:38 · 4 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Two women waiting at the Pearly Gates strikes up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful'" says the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first." says the second woman. "You get the shakes and then you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But, eventually it turns out to be a very calm way to go. You get numb all over, sleepy and you die in your sleep. How about you, how did you die?"
I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see, I had this strong feeling my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home very early, unexpectedly I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, so I ran up to the second floor, but found no one hiding there either. So then, I ran as fast as I could up to the attic. Just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died instantly.
The second woman shakes her head. Then says, "That's so ironic."
"What do you mean?" asks the first woman.
Second woman responds, "If you had stopped long enough to look into the freezer, maybe we'd both still be alive."

2007-11-03 14:36:53 · 6 answers · asked by pd6491 2

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake".

2007-11-03 13:59:15 · 18 answers · asked by pd6491 2

IF U HAVE A PIC IN UR CELL & U THEN PRESS SEND ONLY THE THING WHERE U PUT THE PERSONS NUMBER COMES UP!!!!! HOW DO I EMAIL IT 2 MYSELF????

2007-11-03 12:39:31 · 22 answers · asked by miley cyrus #1 fan!!!!! 1

what are the answers for the impossible quiz 2?

2007-11-03 11:22:54 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

a vampire bat arives back a the roost with a face full of blood.all the other bats get excited and ask where did you get it from."follow me" he says. off they fly over hills,and over the local river and into the dark forest. "see that big tree over there" he says "yes" they all reply, " well i frigin didnt !"

2007-11-03 11:20:13 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-03 11:18:10 · 19 answers · asked by louise d 6

I'm a little mouse named Keith..
I circumcise men with my teeth..
i don't do it for leisure..
or sexual pleasure..
but just for the cheese underneath!

2007-11-03 11:12:34 · 15 answers · asked by Tom G 3

i know some of my jokes are old, but the old ones are the best ones. some of you don't like them, so i apologise. but i only put them on for a laugh and response. theres more to come, not as bad as these recent ones. but i think they will be good ones.
anyway sorry to those that don't like them, to those that do, more to come!!!!

2007-11-03 11:10:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

When Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a private little talk.
"Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects."
"Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted the under- taker. "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off."
Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O'Leary's ancient corpse quite a going over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra hundred dollars for handling the matter so professionally.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "What's a few nails?"

2007-11-03 11:06:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

So they don't stick to the floor when they do the splits.

2007-11-03 10:59:05 · 5 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

It was Miss Mary's first day out of teachers college, and to find out how clever her class of Year one's were, decided to give them a spelling test.
"I'd like everyone to tell me what they had for breakfast, then spell it for me".
Little Johnny waved his hand in the air frantically,but the sweet young teacher fresh from college had been warned by the Headmaster to watch out for this young lad as he was known to swear a bit.
Jane, sitting in the front row, "Miss,I had weetbix for breakfast w-e-e-t-b-i-x".
"That's very good", said Miss Mary, "now, Peter what about you".
"Well Miss, I had toast t-o-a-s-t-"
"Well done Peter". In the meantime Little Johnny's still trying to draw attention to himself.
"Alright Johnny, what did you have for breakfast".
Johnny replied "F**k all f-u-c-k-a-l-l ."

Dumbfounded Miss Mary decided to change the subject.
"OK we will now move on to geography. Can anyone tell me where the Afghanistan border is? The whole class sat in silence - except for Little Johnny who's hand shot straight in the air.
Miss Mary anxiously looked around for another respondent but finally gave in
"Alright Johnny, where is the Afghanistan border?"
"Home in bed with Mum, - that's why I got f**k all for breakfast!!

2007-11-03 10:38:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The pentagon recently found that they had too many generals and
offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general
who retired straight away, his full annual benefits, PLUS
$10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight line along the
retiring general's body which he chose. (something Congress
came up with!)

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure
from the top of his head to his toes. 6 feet. He walked out
with a cheque for $720,000.00. The second general asked them
to measure from the tip of his outstreched hands to his toes.
8 feet. He walked out with a cheque for $960,000.00.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he
was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the
tip of my penis to my balls." The pension man said that he had
better get the Medical Officer to de the measuring. The Medical
Officer asked the General to drop 'em. He did. The Medical
Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and
began to work back. "My God!" he said, "Where are your balls?"
The general replied, "in Vietnam."

2007-11-03 10:19:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two sperm cells were swimming along. The first pulls out a map and says "how far until we get to the fallopian tubes?" The second one replies..."it's miles yet, we only just got past the tonsils!!!"

2007-11-03 09:55:41 · 13 answers · asked by EDGIE 1

2007-11-03 09:29:40 · 12 answers · asked by jack 5

... A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."
Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository.
She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository.
Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.

"No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"

2007-11-03 09:26:55 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-03 09:26:21 · 9 answers · asked by jack 5

What PMS Really Stands For:



13. Psychotic Mood Shift

12. Pack My Stuff

11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

10. Perpetual Munching Spree

9. Puffy Mid-Section

8. People Make Me Sick

7. Provide Me with Sweets

6. Pardon My Sobbing

5. Pimples May Surface

4. Pass My Sweatpants

3. Pissy Mood Syndrome

2. Plainly Men Suck

And The Number One Thing PMS Stands for is:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2007-11-03 09:26:01 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous