Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Love is holding hands in the street.
>Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
>--
>Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant.
>Marriage is a Chinese take-out.
>--
>Love is going to bed early.
>Marriage is going to sleep early.
>--
>Love is losing your appetite.
>Marriage is losing your figure.
>--
>Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
>Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
>--
>Love is a flickering flame.
>Marriage is a flickering television.
>--
>Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
>Marriage is, "Don't you think you've had enough?"
>
>Food For Thought:
>Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you
hear
>them speak.
>

2007-11-02 21:19:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a
> >>foursome of men playing the next hole.
> >>The ball hit one of the men.
> >>He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
> >>ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
> >>The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize.
> >>"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I
could
> >>relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
> >>"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
> >>replied.
> >>He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his
> >>hands together
>at his groin.
> >>At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
> >>She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened
his
> >>pants and put her hands inside.
> >>She administered tender and artful massage to his genitals for
several
> >>long moments and asked, "How does that feel?

2007-11-02 21:16:35 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-02 18:29:34 · 11 answers · asked by Mustbemyluckyday 2

Yeah, he sat on the empire state building

Bu bump da

2007-11-02 18:28:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a huge Elton John fan and have many theories of what this song may mean...any ideas?

~Levon~

; Music by elton john & Bernie Taupin


Levon wears his war wound like a crown
He calls his child jesus
`cause he likes the name
And he sends him to the finest school in town

Levon, levon likes his money
He makes a lot they say
Spend his days counting
In a garage by the motorway

He was born a pauper to a pawn on a christmas day
When the new york times said God is dead
And the wars begun
Alvin tostig has a son today

And he shall be levon
And he shall be a good man
And he shall be levon
In tradition with the family plan
And he shall be levon
And he shall be a good man
He shall be levon

Levon sells cartoon balloons in town
His family business thrives
Jesus blows up balloons all day
Sits on the porch swing watching them fly

And jesus, he wants to go to venus
Leaving levon far behind
Take a balloon and go sailing
While levon, levon slowly dies

2007-11-02 17:52:58 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for
him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you
would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

2007-11-02 17:31:45 · 4 answers · asked by poptart 3

A man and his wife receive a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:

My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don't know when I'm coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you'll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you'll be the same age as I left you. NOTE: "Please take only one drop"
NOTE: "Please take only one drop"

So they open the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion..
The husband looks at the wife and says: "You go first."

So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.

A year passes and the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young.

The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.
"Your father, my child, got so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle."
"So where is he?"

"Oh, that's him I have on my back."

2007-11-02 17:06:16 · 21 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

three students buy a second hand tv for thier apartment and they pay $30 dollars for it! but as they walk out of the shop the sales assistant runs after them and tells them that there is $5 dollars discount that she forgot about! so she hands back over $5 to one of the students! the students cant decide how to split the $5 dollars between them so they hand back $2 to the assistant and take $1 dollar reach! so the students paid $9 dollars each....... 3 multiplied by 9 =27+the 2 they gave back to the assistant! ========29!!! what happened to the other dollar????????

2007-11-02 16:44:19 · 20 answers · asked by martin b 2

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: THE BOSS
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please
remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle,
do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something
for God to do) box. All situations will be resolved, but in My time,
not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying
about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present
in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don’t despair. There are people
in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of
work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person
who has never known what it’s like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman
in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed
her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance;
Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that
walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer
patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about,
asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn’t live
long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness,
ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse.
You could be one of them!

Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you, you may have
touched their life in ways you will never know

2007-11-02 16:38:27 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm making my friend a blonde joke for her birthday, and I need some really good blonde jokes. Any and all jokes are appriciated, but please keep them clean, we are only 13. Thanks for your help!

2007-11-02 16:10:59 · 23 answers · asked by Party Girl 4

Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Count the number of F's in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS


Managed it?
Scroll down only after you have counted them!







OK?


How many?







Three?









Wrong, there are six - no joke!



Read again!




FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS



The reasoning is further down...

The brain cannot process the word "OF".


Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius
Three is normal.

If you got it right or wrong. And please don't lie

2007-11-02 16:10:41 · 33 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

i was at school and this boy is saying a mean poem to me and my friends and i want to get him back somehow the poem he says to us goes, roses are red tires are black why is your chest as flat as your back. so what poem can i say back to him that starts with roses are red? and make sure it's not too long about the same size as the other poem.

2007-11-02 15:19:27 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Texan goes into an outback pub in Australia and says 'Y' know this country might be big, but back home I've got a horse that takes a whole week to ride round my ranch' The bartender replies, 'I know what Y mean, mate. I had a horse like that once - I had to shoot the lazy bast**d.

What's the definition of Australian aristocracy? A man who can trace is ancestry back to his father.

An Aussie sees a gorgeous woman at a party and asks if she'd like to have sex. 'Certainly not.' replies the woman. 'Fair enough,' says the Aussie. 'But would you mind lying down while I have some.'

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over.'

Why is an Australian lover like a wombat? He eats, roots, shoots and leaves.

An Englishman is applying for emigration to Australia. 'Do you have a criminal record? asks the emigration official. 'No,' says the Englishman, 'Do I need one?'

What's the Cuban National Anthem? Row, Row, Row your Boat

I just put that one in for fun.

2007-11-02 14:55:34 · 13 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Two priests die and go to Heaven. Unfortunately a backlog of work means that Saint Peter can't let them in straight away. Rather than have them hanging around in limbo, Saint Peter tells them that they can return to earth for one week in any form they wish. They can be what they like and do what they like. The First Priest says 'I always wanted to be an eagle soaring about the clouds.' The second Priest says 'Well if I can do anything, I'd like to be a stud.' Saint Peter grants them their wishes and off they go. A week later God asks Peter if Heaven is ready to receive the Priests. 'Yes.' says Peter, 'I've sent off angels to bring them back now.' 'Won't they be difficult to find' asks God. Saint Peter replies ' The eagle is flying around the Rockies.' 'And what about the stud' asks God. Saint Peter replies ' Oh, he's on a tyre in Alaska

2007-11-02 14:47:25 · 12 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.


Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
or
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

2007-11-02 14:33:35 · 14 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

An elderley` man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.? he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeouspetite blonde walks by, and the man gets an erection. She notices and comes over to him she says, It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." she lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. He continues to explore He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The old man staggers back to the office and yells, "Here's my membership card keep the £250 membership fee." She says"You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month.I fart 15 times day."

2007-11-02 13:51:16 · 16 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. "You disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!" And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my
sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and
I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and
don't use because someone at work has the same pair."

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

2007-11-02 13:48:17 · 24 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked "No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this at a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight. The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

2007-11-02 13:44:06 · 19 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."
Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.
He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"
Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

2007-11-02 13:34:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four married guys go fishing.
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend! I had to promise my wife that I'll paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I'll build her a new deck."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish until they realized the fourth guy hasn't said a word. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I gave my wife a nudge and asked, 'Fishing or Sex'? She said, 'Wear sun-block'."

2007-11-02 12:47:35 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay, nearly every day I get called the same things. but whatever I come up with, It ends up seriously cheesy. So, I'm wondering if anyone else could come up with somthing better.

Okay, they are...

"Your a retard."
"Your really ugly."
"Your really stupid."
"Dumbass."
"This guy wants to go out with you.." <-- playing a joke on me.

Thats everything I honestly can think of that I need some comebacks for. So, I'll really appreciate it .xD

2007-11-02 12:42:43 · 12 answers · asked by Roxanne-Chan 2

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.”
The bartender says again, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states yet again, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs.”
The bear says, “I’m not on drugs.”
The bartender says, “You are now, that was a Barbitchyouate.”

2007-11-02 12:37:55 · 6 answers · asked by Fission Chips 6

he got the sack!!!

2007-11-02 12:21:32 · 12 answers · asked by darragh mac 3

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

2007-11-02 12:19:46 · 5 answers · asked by Fission Chips 6

Okay, for school we got this candy bars quiz for fun. There are 42 of them on the sheet, but there is one I just can't figure out. Can you help me?

Attendance of the Insane--?

Some examples of other ones would be:
A red planet- mars bar
happy nut- Almond Joy
Little Feline- Big Feline- Kit Kat

Help is greatly appreciated I wont be able to sleep tonight if I don't figure this out! Thanks!

2007-11-02 11:47:56 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

will somebody make me laugh?A joke, a funny phrase,anything!
Whoever makes me laugh the hardest will get the best answer

2007-11-02 11:31:21 · 8 answers · asked by Ms.Advice 2

Lessee...a friend made me smile today...
The same friend made me laugh out loud!

How about you?

2007-11-02 11:19:46 · 2 answers · asked by ♦♦pixiechix♦♦ 5

He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out. 'I will grant you one wish only, be careful what you wish for.'

Man thinks for a while and says ' I want to be thin, white and surrounded by pusy.'

So the genie turned him into a tampon.

Morale of the story: be careful what you wish for as they sometimes come with strings attached.

2007-11-02 11:17:11 · 7 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

The Personal Question by R.U .Gay

The Complete Pratt by Dick Head

The North Pole by I.C. Plaice

The Condom Market Stall by Jonny Sellers

Which tent shall I buy by T.P. Orr Wigwam

The Chinese Disaster by Fu King-Hill

Genetic Engineering by Jean Poole

Aural Hygiene by E.R. Wax

The Sex Life of Plants by Polly Nation

The end of ceramics by Polly Esther Potts

The African town by Sue Etto

I don't want to sleep with you by Y. Knott

Keeping Large Dogs by Saint Bernard

Seeing Nude women in hotels by A.P. Knight-Porter

The Noisy Christmas by Carol Singer

A Nation of Fools by I.R. Land

Tropical Island Holidays by Wes Tindies

Keep smiling
Jen x

2007-11-02 11:14:48 · 17 answers · asked by Jens 5

woman wakes up in a hospital after an operation to reduce the size of pu**y lips, besides the bed there are 3 bunches of flowers, one from her husband, one from her sister and one from steve in the burns unit saying thanks for the new ears

2007-11-02 11:11:51 · 21 answers · asked by roger the alien 2