make me laugh?

Question

will somebody make me laugh?A joke, a funny phrase,anything!
Whoever makes me laugh the hardest will get the best answer

Answer 1

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!




Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment, And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars last night, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica this morning. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.


I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Answer 2

Mike and Paddy were down to their last dollar, but wanted to go out and get drunk. Paddy says "follow me, I have an idea." So they go and buy a sausage and when Mike asks about it, Paddy says, " After we have run up a tab, I will unzip my pants and put the sausage there and you put your mouth around it. We will be kicked out and not have to pay the tab." The first bar they try it in, the bartender runs them out with a shotgun, at the second bar the owner tells them that, although it is a gay bar, they have to get a room to do that sort of thing, and throws them out, and at the third bar, the bouncer, 6'6" tall and 350 pounds without an ounce of fat, throws them out the door and they go about three yards before landing. This goes on for the rest of the night, with them doing the same thing in 12 bars. After the 12th bar, Mike asks Paddy if he is drunk enough yet, and Paddy says yes. Mike says "That's good, because I'm getting sore, my knees are killing me."

Paddy; "I know what you mean, I'm sore too."
Mike; "Why? All you did was stand there."
Paddy; "When we got thrown out of that third bar, I lost the sausage."

Answer 3

okay so there was this really witty woman. one day she came into a bank and asked to see the president of it. when she was asked why she said because she had lots of money. in the presidents office she dumped out 600,000 dollars on his desk. the president asked how she got so muney and she says she places bets. "wat kind of bets" he asks. she replies "for example, i bet you 100,000 dollars that your balls and square" "i accept" "i will come back tomorow and ten am with the money and my lawyer as a witness." "thats fine". that night the prez stayed up all night making sure he balls werent square from any angle. the next day at 10 am, the woman came in with her lawyer and a bag of muney. she told him to pull down his pants so she could inspect his balls. then she asked if she could hold it. "well ok, only because there is a lot of muney." she held it up, then her lawyer started banging his head on the wall. "wats wrong with your lawyer" said the prez the woman replied: "oh nothing, except that i bet him 500,000 dollars that at 10 am today, i would be holding, in my hands, the president of the local bank's balls.

lol watch this vid too:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=SsWrY77o77o

Answer 4

a horse walks into a bar
the bartender says "why the long face?"

2 nuts were walking in a park
1 was a"salted"

3 guys walk into a bar
you would think at least 1 of them would have seen it

Answer 5

two "strings" go into a cafe and are promptly booted out
by the owner saying; "we don't allow "strings" in here."

so one of the "strings" say we'll show him,
and the other says how,
the first one says just come here and we'll tie ourselves
together and separate the ends

and the other string says how's that gonna help
the first one says just do it

so they go back into the cafe
and the owner says; "hey ain't you them two strings I just booted out"

and they first string answered;
"no we're afraid not! (a frayed knot)"

Cheers

Answer 6

Enjoy this joke.

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

Answer 7

- Hello! Is this a fire department?
- Yes, do you have a fire?
- No, but here I've got a doctor fighting with a cop, so I didn't know whom else to call.

Answer 8

How do you stop a fish from smelling?

Plug up its nose!

Answer 9

watch this vid, the whole thing. it takes a bit for him to get started, but i think it's halarious

http://youtube.com/watch?v=XiFrfeJ8dKM