Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets.
Ugly: You had a
vasectomy five years ago.




2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants
a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.




3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's
involved with the
woman next door. Ugly: So are you.




4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your
wife can't find
her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.




5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's
a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.




6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to
your 10 year old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.




7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's the pet dog. Ugly: The dog is pregnant now.


8. Good: Your 15-year-old daughter got a new job. Bad: As
a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly:
She makes more money than you do.

2007-11-28 10:02:56 · 16 answers · asked by Marci_Bby♥ 5

Q: Why do blonds have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do blonds have BMW's?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why did the blond die in a helicopter crash?
A: Because she got cold and turned the fan off.


Q: What do you call a blond with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: Why do blonds wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: Why did the blond have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "Don't Walk".

Q: Why did the blond take her typewriter to the Doctors?
A: Because she though it was pregnant because it missed a period.

2007-11-28 09:58:45 · 11 answers · asked by Marci_Bby♥ 5

Sometimes, when you cry, no one sees your tears.
Sometimes, when you're worried, no one sees your pain
Sometimes, when you're happy, no one sees your smile

But fart just ONCE, and see all the attention you get!

2007-11-28 09:51:36 · 16 answers · asked by Grizz 5

this married couple was driving down the road in the rain and saw a skunk. the guy was like, "poor thing, it must be cold" so he pulled over and picked it up and told his wife to put the skunk under her dress between her legs so it would get warm and dry. the wife replied "what about the smell?" and the guy says "just hold its nose". LOL......

2007-11-28 09:44:33 · 6 answers · asked by - JR 2

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R.Grace Co, will merge and become:
"Hale,Mary,Fuller,Grace"
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bross and Zesta Crackers join forces to become : "Poly Warmer Cracker"
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as:
" MMMGOOD"
4. FedEx is expect to join its major competitor, UPS to become: "FedUp".
5. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: "Fairwell Honeychild"
6. Grey Poupon and Doctor Pants will become:
" Pouponpants".
7. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under a new name : "Titty Titty Bang Bang"

So look well while you'r shopping !

2007-11-28 09:40:30 · 7 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

I want a really HILARIOUS joke. Please tell me one. I needa a really FUNNY and appropriate joke!!

2007-11-28 09:25:42 · 16 answers · asked by bellaa3x ♥ <33 1

A guest in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu:
" I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and finally a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee."
" That's a complicated order sir" said the bewildered waiter,
"It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied sarcastically: " It can't be that difficult, because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday".

2007-11-28 09:21:50 · 12 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

THE SUN BURNS MY EYES WHEN I LOOK AT IT!!!
I think its mad at me!

2007-11-28 09:18:47 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Teacher walks to the back of the class and finds Little Johnny with his hands down the front of his pants.

''What are you doing?''

''It hurts down there Miss.''

''Well go to the nurse and she might let you go home early.''

Ten minutes later he goes back into class and sits down. Teacher again walks to the back of the class and finds Little Johnny sitting there with his willy sticking out of his trousers.

''Johnny. Why have you got your willy out?''

''Well, mum says if I can stick it out til noon, she will come and pick me up.''

2007-11-28 09:15:57 · 7 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN WOMEN:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN MEN:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

2007-11-28 09:09:55 · 16 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

While the teacher is going over the alphebet, Little Johnny raises his hand and asks if he may go to the bathroom...the teacher tells him he can only go after he recites his abc's

Little Johnny: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ

Teacher: Well what happened to the P?

Little Johnny: I couldn't hold it...it ran down my leg

2007-11-28 09:03:28 · 16 answers · asked by prplfae 6

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty
girl said: " I would like to buy this material for a new dress, how
much does it cost?"
" Only one kiss per yard" replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the pretty girl, "give me ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly mesasured out he cloth, wrapped it up, ten
teasingly held it out.
The pretty girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old
geezer standing beside her, and smiled, " Granpa will pay the bill."

2007-11-28 09:02:30 · 16 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

Little Johny walks into his parents bedroom to find his monther bent over and his father pushing against her from behind....

The father turns around and sees Johny coming into the room, smiles, winks and waves him away...

Later that night...the father goes into Johny's room and sees the grandmother bent over and little Johny at her from behind....

The father yells..."what the hell are you doing to your grandmother?"

Little Johny says...."it's not so funny when it's your mother is it?"

(if its funny star me)

2007-11-28 08:57:46 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Clement, who used to help him, was in Polsmoor Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament."Dear Clement, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won'tbe able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubleswould be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Papa"A few days later he received a letter from his son.
"Dear Papa, for heaven's sake, Papa, don't dig up that garden, that'swhere I Buried the BODIES. Love, Clement"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, the Scorpion Unit, NIA agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son."Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best i could do under the circumstances. Love Clement."

2007-11-28 08:45:27 · 20 answers · asked by More-Love 2

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

Well…

“Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “But… why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

2007-11-28 08:06:45 · 9 answers · asked by Dan M 5

An old man is riding in a lift with two glamorous women.
One woman takes a perfume bottle out of her bag and sprays her neck. She turns to the other woman and says, "Romance by Ralph Lauren...£150 an ounce."

The other woman takes a perfume bottle out of her bag, sprays herself, and says, "Chanel No.5...£200 an ounce"
The lift stops and the doors open.

The old man steps out and lets off a huge rumbling fart. As the doors close he looks back at them and says...
"Broccoli, 49p a pound."

.

2007-11-28 07:59:34 · 10 answers · asked by *BURNY* 5

It's one day after Christmas
I'm crabby and I'm broke.
I'm so full of ham and fruitcake
I think I'm gonna croak.

It's nice to see the relatives
I wonder when they'll leave.
They've been camping in my bathroom
since early Christmas Eve.

They're eating everything in sight
and sleeping in my bed.
I been sacked out in the basement
with my beagle, Fred.

The relatives have all gone out
and left their screaming brats.
The toilet bowl is all plugged up
and I can't find the cat.

It's Christmastime at my house,
the relatives are here.
They eat me out of house and home.
and drink up all my beer.

I love the decorations,
and the sleigh bells in the snow
But I wish those pesky relatives
would take their kids and go.

Those cookie crunchers fed the dog
a twenty pound rib roast.
His feet are sticking in the air
like skinny old fence posts.

Now they're in a free-for-all,
the girls against the boys.
They're fighting over boxes
'cause they're bored with all their toys

My mother-in-law is snoring
in my favorite TV chair.
Those kids are stringing lights on her
and tinseling her hair

I oughta wake her up
before the fireworks begin.
But I wanna see those blue sparks fly
when they plug her in.

2007-11-28 07:46:11 · 11 answers · asked by .... 6

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answer s, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

.

2007-11-28 07:39:41 · 10 answers · asked by *BURNY* 5

There are 3 switches in my downstairs basement. One of these switches controls the light in the attic. I make one trip up to the attic and I know which switch operates the light. How is this possible?

2007-11-28 07:14:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Then on my desk, I have a work station..

2007-11-28 07:00:53 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

“Mornin’ bye” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dey den, son?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on de good earth are dey for?” inquires the Newfie.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving” says Tiger.

“Freeckin Jaysus” says the Newfie, “Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything”.

2007-11-28 06:57:20 · 5 answers · asked by Dan M 5

i need a rhyme for turning 30 that i can put on a sign in public.

2007-11-28 06:49:31 · 5 answers · asked by ms01 4

Phil, the happy murcia is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Phil a quick quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Phil says, "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Phil.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Phil continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Phil argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh, well," says Phil, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash!"

2007-11-28 06:43:06 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old *ss?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

2007-11-28 06:42:15 · 48 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a person
You cannot see me
But I am always there
Dawn or dusk
I am always there
In my room you see me
In the bathroom you see me
Even if you turn your back on me
I am always there.

Who am I?

2007-11-28 05:46:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family
including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem.George's
mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American
Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the
States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told
George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very,
very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the
remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost
$150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it
will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do,"
The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your
mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many
years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third
day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance."

2007-11-28 05:36:14 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

I like online dating....

I can get rejected without even putting on my pants

2007-11-28 04:57:19 · 27 answers · asked by Russell C 2

Paul Harvey RIDDLE:

When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors.

What is greater than God, More
evil than the devil, The poor
have it, The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you'll die?

2007-11-28 04:53:21 · 5 answers · asked by Karen M 1

A man goes to a fancy dress party carrying his girlfriend on his back the host asks him what have you come as a tortoise whats that no your back then? thats meshell. any good?

2007-11-28 04:51:14 · 8 answers · asked by Phillip K 1

is crazy paving all its cracked up to be. any good?

2007-11-28 04:45:08 · 1 answers · asked by Phillip K 1