Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

2007-11-27 22:31:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blond asks her son to go out & water the plants outside,
the son sid " but it is raining out there..!!??"
the blond replied :
" u r not gonna get out of it that easily, here take the umberilla"

2007-11-27 21:20:26 · 14 answers · asked by Light Shielded By Dark 5

Billy was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."

2007-11-27 19:05:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to fish, then they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word, so they ask him,
"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear a Sweater it is cold out there"

2007-11-27 19:02:53 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results.

The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a big mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.

"Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at the Hospital recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't share a bed with him."

2007-11-27 19:00:45 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny wakes up one morning & wants to go downstairs to get some breakfast. As he walks past his parents' bedroom door, he hears a slapping sound.

Curious, he opens the door only to see his mom bent over the bed and his dad pounding her furiously from behind. His dad looks over at Johnny and gives him a wink and a smile.

Confused, Johnny runs down the stairs.

When mom & dad finish their business, it occurs to dad that little Johnny saw something that might be potentially traumatic for the young fellow. Now concerned, he goes downstairs to discuss the issue with Johnny.

Upon seeing dad entering the kitchen, Johnny grabs grandma, pushes her over the counter and starts frantically dry-humping her.

Mortified, dad yells "Johnny, what the hell are you doing???"

Johnny looks over at dad angrily & says: "Not so darn funny when it's your mom, is it?"

2007-11-27 18:58:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-27 17:35:39 · 2 answers · asked by vijaykayal 5

hahha 5 stars for the 1st person that knows it lool

2007-11-27 16:41:39 · 8 answers · asked by blacksmith 3

well this is no joke my mom was really mad at me for losing my ipod cuz it cost so much after 2 months i finally convinced her to buy me a new one the same day i tripped and it flew out of my hands into traffic and a car ran over it and it completly shattered what should i do?

2007-11-27 16:20:00 · 15 answers · asked by t dawg 2

I thought it was cute

stars please? :) ♥

2007-11-27 16:03:09 · 22 answers · asked by **beep** 6

What is the purpose of a rubber ducky...

Harry Potter question...

IDK, thought id ask, got over 600 points now, and figured id ask...and see who or what type of answers id get...

LMAO

2007-11-27 15:43:13 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's a black guy and a Mexican guy in the car; who's driving?
(Scroll for answer)












The Police!

2007-11-27 15:15:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

if a drop or semen has more life than a drop of blood then why doesn't dracula suck D**K? lol

2007-11-27 15:15:16 · 13 answers · asked by audri 3

a little kid is in the shower with his mom . He ask his mom " what is that mom?" pointing at her private are and she says " its my sponge" so the kid says "oh , i saw auntie washing daddys face with her sponge" lol

nasty in know

2007-11-27 15:08:20 · 8 answers · asked by audri 3

One day last week, a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.?All the typical answers came up: Fireman - Mechanic - Businessman - Salesman - Doctor - Lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exoticdancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to wo rk on some math problems and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton elected as our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

2007-11-27 14:45:33 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

1--------10 does it get a star ?

INDIANS DON'T USE SADDLES!


A woman from New York was driving through a
remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.An American Indian on
horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.She climbed
up behind him on the horse and then rode off. The ride was uneventful,
except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a
"Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do
to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse,
put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles"!!!!

2007-11-27 14:30:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I heard Paris' favorite meal in Shanghai was...

Cream of Sum Yung Gai

2007-11-27 14:26:34 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

...inside someone else's car, and you pull up next to them at a stoplight?!?!?!!!!!!!!!

2007-11-27 14:02:37 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

2007-11-27 13:52:34 · 5 answers · asked by omeng90 3

Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid -- aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the
rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but
the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was
important.

Tell if u can read it
Star if you like
Ty

2007-11-27 13:07:47 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.

He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.

He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.

He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fuking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

2007-11-27 13:01:01 · 3 answers · asked by Dan M 5

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with h

2007-11-27 12:28:59 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

2007-11-27 12:13:25 · 10 answers · asked by free the weed 3

"And now can anyone tell me where God lives?" asked the teacher.
"I can, teacher," replied one bright lad. "He lives in our bathroom."
"Why do you see that?"
"Because every morning my dad yells at the bathroom door: 'God! are you still there??'"

Funny?

2007-11-27 11:42:28 · 6 answers · asked by Lei Al 2

I answered the door earlier this evening, and there was a six foot tall beetle standing there, he said "Bugger off, you horrible human creature"!
I said " I've heard that there is a nasty bug going round"

2007-11-27 11:26:54 · 12 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

Wedding cake.

What's the best way to open a jar with a stuck lid?

Pu it on a table and tell the kids to leave it alone.

If some one with multiple personality disorder threatens suicide, is it called a hostage situation?

more another time...it's late

2007-11-27 11:14:06 · 23 answers · asked by ? 5

Here's , my joke...
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' *Teacher Faints.

2007-11-27 11:08:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three nuns were attending a hockey game and three men were sitting directly behind them.
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, one of the guys decided that the nuns might move if they got annoyed.
In a very loud voice he said, "I think I'll move to Utah. I hear they have only 100 nuns in the whole state."
One of his buddies, picking up on the cue said, "I think I'll move to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said, " I hear they only have 25 nuns in Idaho."
One of the nuns turned around and in a calm, sweet voice said, Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any nuns there."

2007-11-27 11:04:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man rushes home from work and says to his wife “ Pack the suitcases love, I’ve won the lottery”
“Oh my God, what do I pack? Something light, something warm where are we going?” she replies excitedly.
“Just pack em and F*ck off

2007-11-27 11:00:51 · 16 answers · asked by Pompeyrew 4

Someone once had a crush on me, but I jammed the compactor and escaped.

2007-11-27 10:41:50 · 14 answers · asked by ? 5