Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

woman was married to a sailor for 35 years.
her best mate asked her, as bert ever asked you to do it the other way ?
ARE YOU MAD, NO, AND FILL THE HOUSE FULL OF KIDS.

2007-11-27 01:49:22 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer-by who'd seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."

2007-11-27 01:36:27 · 17 answers · asked by GoldenHaze 3

A Priest wanted to go to the post office. He asked a little boy the way. The boy took him to the post office. The Priest said to the boy" Thank you. Come to the Church tomorrow and I will show you the way to heaven. The boy turned and said
"But you don't even know the way to the post office".

2007-11-27 01:33:32 · 9 answers · asked by GoldenHaze 3

Doctor, doctor, please kiss me," says the patient.
"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.

Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."
"No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he says.

Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!"
"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be f***ing you.

2007-11-27 01:25:41 · 14 answers · asked by Patty M 5

A little boy got on the bus , sat next to a man reading a book , and noticed he had his collar on backwards .

the little boy asked why he wore his collar that way

the man replied , who was a priest , said ," I am a father "

The little boy replied , "my daddy doesnt wear his collar like that

the priest looked up from his book , and answered , i am the father of many

the boy said " my dad has 4 boys and 4 girls and 2 grandchildren , and he doesnt wear his collar that way

The priest getting impatient with the boy ,said " I am the father of hundreds " and went back to reading his book

The little boy sat quietly thinking for awhile , then leaned over , and said " Maybe you should wear your pants Backwards instead of your collar"

2007-11-27 01:17:36 · 6 answers · asked by Dan M 5

i need a good laughf

2007-11-27 01:11:11 · 3 answers · asked by mobile auto repair (mr fix it) 7

A wealthy Italian man was having an affair with an italian woman for several years .
One night ,during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him the she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage , he said that he would pay her a large sum of money , if she would go to italy to secretly have the child
If she stayed in italy to raise the child ,he would also provide child support until the child turned 18 . She sgreed , but asked how he would know when the baby is born ?

To keep it discreet ,he told her to simply mail him a postcard and write "Spaghetti " on the back

One day 9 monyhs later he came home to his confused wife

"honey she said . you recieved a very starnge post card today "

Oh just give it to me and ill explain it" he said

the wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card , turned white and fainted .

On the card was written : Spaghetti, Spaghetti , Spaghetti
2 with meatballs 1 without ..send bread

2007-11-27 01:06:28 · 5 answers · asked by Dan M 5

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

2007-11-27 00:57:36 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jakie returns to New York after being away for 30 years. He jumps into a taxi and tells the cabbie, "Take me to the Stork Club!" The cabbie answers, "Are you kidding? The Stork Club closed Years ago." "How about the Copa?" he asks. "That too," exclaims the driver. "Well," he asks,"What is still open?" The driver says, "The only one of the old clubs still around is the Hi Hat Club." "I used to go there," he exclaimes, "Let's go."
After a few drinks at the Hi Hat, Jakie goes into the mens' room where he sees runs into the old toilet caretaker. "Irving," he exclaims, "I can't believe you are still here working the toilet! How long have you been here?" "Forty years," Irving answers. Jakie asks, "So, how are you doing?" "Not so great," Irving answers. "It's not like the old days. Now all the drunks come in and throw up in the stalls. And all the druggies come in and shoot up. It's really disgusting!" "Why do you stay?" asks Jakie. Irving replies, "Every once in awhile a gentleman like you comes in to take a crap, it's like a breath of fresh air!"

2007-11-27 00:47:14 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Rabbi is crossing a busy road in front of a Catholic Chuch. Head down, deep in thought he does not see the big red bus that flattens him.

A crowd gathers round him. A priest from the Church rushes over to see if he can help. Not realising the badly injured man is a Rabbi he administers the Last Rites.

The Priest crosses himself and kneeling down whispers in the Rabbi's ear "My Son, do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"

A quizzical look appears on the Rabbi's face as he answers " I lie here dying and you ask me riddles?"

2007-11-27 00:44:31 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband in his backyard is trying to fly a kite . He throws the kite up in the air , the wind catches it for a few seconds , then it comes crashing back down to earth

he tries a few times with no success

All the while , his wife is watching from the kitchen window , muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything . She opens the window and yells to her husband ," YOU NEED A PIECE OF TAIL "

the man turns with a confused look on his face and says , " Make up your mind . last night you told me to go fly a kite "

2007-11-27 00:34:55 · 5 answers · asked by Dan M 5

A french setting in the caffe, ordered a crossan, a cup of coffee and a jam sandwich,
while the american is chewing his gum & watching.
the american smiled and said" Do u french people eat all ur sandwich"

"of course we do" replied the french man

"we eat only whats inside and throw all the rest in special recycle bins, so u french can make ur crossan" said the american while making a huge bubble balloon

the french said nothing, but the amercan continued with a smirk in his face:
"Do u eat jam sandwiches"

"yes, we do" said the french patiently

" we the american eat half of the fruits and throw the rest in recycles bins, so u can make ur jam" laughed the american while chewing his gum.

"Do u american throw ur candoms after sex" asked the french
"yes of course we do " wondered the american

then the french guy replied:
"We don't, we throw them in special recycle bins, so u can american make ur gum"

"hey f u don't like it be easy on me!!"

2007-11-27 00:33:32 · 16 answers · asked by Light Shielded By Dark 5

Found these actual conversations between Air Traffic control and pilots. Thought you'd like a giggle!

Control Tower:
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
Pilot:
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Control Tower:
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control:
"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft:
"I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239:
"Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

2007-11-27 00:26:38 · 22 answers · asked by **Missy** 3

1. Do not pick players on ability but on the size of their salaries
2. You are only permitted to play half fit strikers if any
3. Do not practice penalties
4. You are required to change the formation every game
5. You goalkeeper must be prone to make mistakes
6. You must never allow your players to practice technique
7. Never allow your players to qualify to a tournament
8. In the event they mistakenly qualify make sure they lose in the quarter finals if not before
9. Your team are required to be complete strangers on the pitch
10. You must select Beckham (even if he's on crutches) as his wife told you to
11. It is not permitted for you to remain in your post after 2 years
12. You must accept the £2 million that the FA pay you to clear off
I have more of these - pls star if u like it

2007-11-27 00:20:22 · 5 answers · asked by Puppet Dictator 5

Walking into the bar, paddy said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," paddy replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

2007-11-27 00:03:40 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

2007-11-27 00:02:20 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

2007-11-26 23:58:35 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, a brunette & a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in & after filling out the forms & going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her a last question, "How many D's are there in ‘INDIANA JONES’?"

The brunette thinks for a second & responds, "One."

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same & at the end, "How many D's are there in ‘INDIANA JONES’?"

She immediately says, "One.."

The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know."

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions & finally gets asked, "How many D's are there in ‘INDIANA JONES’?"

She gets a very serious look on her face & starts counting her fingers, muttering, "2, 4, 6… hmmm – wait… 2, 4, 6… Can I borrow your calculator please?"

After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer, "Thirty two!"

The interviewer is stunned & asks her, "OK, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"

The blonde sings, "da da da daaaa, da da daaa......"

2007-11-26 23:55:59 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies.

The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin.

The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ***. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business.

When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, "Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too.

My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party."

2007-11-26 23:53:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45 years.
So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work.
At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars.
At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered. She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. The mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.
The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, "I've had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?"The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said 'f*ck him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea."

2007-11-26 23:43:44 · 21 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas.
The bartender asked, "what's wrong," and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says, "he's sorry about it."
After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The bartender asked, "What's wrong now," to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he's sorry.
The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The bartender burst out, "Isn't anyone in your family gettin' any p***y?!"
The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"

2007-11-26 23:36:02 · 23 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.


2. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


3. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."


4. What's brown and sticky? A stick.


5. Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing


6. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!


7. What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.


8. How do you catch a squirrel? Climb into a tree and act like a nut...


9. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.


10. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"


And the winner is......

Did you hear about the dyslexic who sold his soul to Santa?

2007-11-26 23:25:49 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says not bad. "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. The golf pro said, "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husbands d*ck." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
The golf pro said, "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and then hit the ball."

2007-11-26 23:24:54 · 14 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.

Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The program will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company

2007-11-26 23:22:57 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE." Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Good to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES." So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE." And Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Finally, after four weeks, comes a letter with the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS." And Mrs. Smith looks in the newspaper for the British Airways ad, but this time she faints. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

2007-11-26 23:20:08 · 20 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer
"What the hell?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'

2007-11-26 23:18:01 · 13 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful female giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.

After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.

The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?"

The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had."
The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"

The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must have run 10 miles!"

2007-11-26 23:15:52 · 14 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

There were four pencils in a pencil box. One female pencil and the other three male. After some time, a baby pencil was born ?
Can you guess which male pencil did it ???

The one without rubber.....

2007-11-26 22:58:29 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

The world was stunned by the news today of the death of the ENERGIZER BUNNY. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42 PM last evening.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going and going and going, "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and relatives was alone at the time of death.
An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards, and he kept coming, and coming, and coming?

2007-11-26 22:47:32 · 16 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelery, my dear. Jewelery.”

2007-11-26 22:28:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous