Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:"It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped
with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have
many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana
doesn't hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to
find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now
and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS:
Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor

2007-11-26 10:16:32 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Star if funny
Ty

2007-11-26 10:15:35 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.

"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"


Star if funny
Ty

2007-11-26 10:08:17 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

2007-11-26 09:59:37 · 12 answers · asked by Marci_Bby♥ 5

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'

2007-11-26 09:49:50 · 21 answers · asked by Marci_Bby♥ 5

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his do

2007-11-26 09:47:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Twas The Night Before Xmas, (Woman's Version).



T'was the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need?!

My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.

Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles "The egg nog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret, says,
"What's taking so long ... aren't you through in here yet?"

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
and screams, "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh darn it's the pies! They're burned all to hell!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shakey and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED

2007-11-26 09:39:03 · 8 answers · asked by sweetpea 4

If you can make me laugh, you've got yourself 10 points!

2007-11-26 09:38:29 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

The 12 Days After Xmas!



The first day after Christmas,
My true love and I had a fight,
And so I chopped the pear tree down,
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge,
I shot that blasted partridge,
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas,
I pulled on the old rubber gloves,
And very gently wrung the necks,
Of both the turtle doves,
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the third day after Christmas,
My mother caught the croup,
I had to use the three French hens,
To make some chicken soup,
The four calling birds were a big mistake,
For their language was obscene,
The five golden rings were completely fake,
and turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas,
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the,
A.S.P.C.A.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found,
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned,
(I think there's a "my true love gave to me" in here somewhere)
The eighth day after Christmas,
Before they could suspect,
I bundled up the,
Eight maids-a-milking,
Nine ladies dancing,
Ten lords-a-leaping,
Eleven pipers piping,
Twelve drummers drumming - well, actually I kept one of the drummers -
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love,
"We are through, love!",
And I said in so many words,
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the
(Soprani) Birds!"
(Everyone else) Four calling birds,,
Three French hens,,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree!"

2007-11-26 09:37:17 · 4 answers · asked by sweetpea 4

ok theres a 5 dollor bill laying on the grond who picks it up?
A. the dume blond
B.the smart blond
C.santa cluse
D.superr man

2007-11-26 09:28:14 · 10 answers · asked by chelsi h 1

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

2007-11-26 08:54:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. I'll get a world record for this.
2. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
3. It's fireproof.
4. He's probably just hibernating.
5. I'm making a citizen's arrest.
6. So, you're a cannibal.
7. It's probably just a rash.
8. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
9. The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one!
10. Pull the pin and count to what?
11. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
12. I wonder where the mother bear is.
13. I've seen this done on TV.
14. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
15. I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
16. Funny, you look just like Charles Manson.
17. Rat poison only kills rats.
18. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
19. This doesn't taste right.
20. I can make this light before it changes.
21. Nice doggie.
22. I can do that with my eyes closed.
23. Well, we've made it this far.
24. That's odd.
25. Don't be so superstitious!

2007-11-26 08:26:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say

-What do you mean today's our anniversary?
-Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
-Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
-And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
-Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
-Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
-I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:

-Here honey, you use the remote.
-You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
-Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
-While I'm up, can I get you anything?
-Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
-Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
-Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.

2007-11-26 08:23:35 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last word of a heating mechanic: "There ain't no gas line here."

2007-11-26 08:02:45 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

2007-11-26 07:58:16 · 15 answers · asked by boris the spider 5

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face '

2007-11-26 07:55:41 · 13 answers · asked by boris the spider 5

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

2007-11-26 07:53:25 · 10 answers · asked by boris the spider 5

Q. What's twelve inches long and hangs in front of a c*nt?

A. Steve McClaren's tie.

Forgive me, but that is hilarious!

2007-11-26 07:44:34 · 9 answers · asked by cosmicmoon 5

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy).

2007-11-26 07:22:00 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Blonde Thanksgiving dinner
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

2007-11-26 06:54:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dwarfs went to Amsterdam's red light district and hired the services of a six foot tall prostitute. They went back to their hotel room, stripped off and tied springs to their feet and gave her the best sex she had ever had.. It's what is known in the business as The Four Sprung Dwarf Technique!

2007-11-26 06:53:04 · 13 answers · asked by skaska 5

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S *** SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S *** OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ***. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

2007-11-26 06:38:19 · 10 answers · asked by angel 4

were sitting at a bar, the read head turns to the brunette and says I'm so loose my boyfriend can fit his whole hand in, the brunette laughs and says I'm so loose my boyfriend can fit his whole head in, after which the blond starts laughing uncontrollably, the brunette and read head look over to her and are shocked to see the blond sliding down the barstool.

disgusting... I know but what do you think?

2007-11-26 06:37:26 · 14 answers · asked by Nate 6

A man and woman are having sex for the first time,
the woman screams out in the throws of passion
"darling every time you enter me you make my toes curl",
the man stops and looks down at his lady and says,
yeah, maybe next time you should take your tights off!!!

2007-11-26 06:13:41 · 12 answers · asked by roblou 2

A man and woman are having sex for the first time,
the woman screams out in the throws of passion
"darling every time you enter me you make my toes curl",
the man stops and looks down at his lady and says,
yeah, maybe next time you should take your tights off!!!

2007-11-26 06:11:59 · 11 answers · asked by roblou 2

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

2007-11-26 05:59:24 · 16 answers · asked by tastybits 7

After speaking to the passengers,

the pilot forgets to turn off the

intercom.


He says to the co-pilot

i'm going to have a sh..t then

fu..k the ar..e off that new

air hostess'

The air hostess runs up the

aisle to warn the pilot the

intercom's still on but she

trips over.

no need to rush love says

an old lady,'he's having

a sh..t first.

2007-11-26 05:37:15 · 5 answers · asked by SPUDULIKE 3

1:a woman woke her husband in the middle of the night."i think theres a burgular in the kithen eating my homemade cake.the husband says'who should i call the police or the ambulance.2:how can you tell when a moth farts:he flies straight for a second 3:one guy says:i just got some flowers for my wife.the other guy says:great swap.ill post more later.

2007-11-26 05:13:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two cows were in a field
Cow #1 says "Moo!"
Cow #2 says "Hey, I was going to say that!"

2007-11-26 04:44:37 · 19 answers · asked by . 4

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two - if you slice them very thinly.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys an extra case of beer.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit?ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they're practicing to be men.

2007-11-26 03:46:19 · 19 answers · asked by jake5282 2