Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

Driver: "Why'd you do that?"

Trooper: "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver: "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

Passenger: "What'd you do that for?"

Trooper: "Just making your wishes come true."

Passenger: "Huh?"

Trooper: "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say 'I wish that sucker would've tried that **** with me!'"


***A STAR PLEASE IF IT MADE YOU LAUGH***

2007-11-26 22:27:35 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Why do elephants drink?

A. To forget!

Q: What do you call the wife of a hippie?

A: Mississippi

Q. How do you spot the blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard!

HUSBAND:Shall we try a new position tonight?

WIFE:That's a good idea... you do the ironing while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame?

A: The motorcyclist is. He shouldn't have been riding in the kitchen


Two goldfish are in their tank. One turns to the other and says, 'You man the guns, I'll drive.'


Have you heard the one about the dyslexic, insomniac and agnostic who stayed awake all night wondering if there was a dog?

Q. Why do women have orgasms?

A. Any excuse to moan

Two Geordies are in the jungle. 'Are those war drums?' says one.

'No, they're someone else's,' says the other.

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?

A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Q.What’s the ultimate in trust?

A.Two cannibals doing 69

2007-11-26 22:14:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister collapsed.

2007-11-26 21:53:23 · 10 answers · asked by Gina B 4

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to
the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is
three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three
times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just
subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

2007-11-26 21:53:20 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

lady customer at checkout empties her basket of six items,bottle of milk,pound of butter,dozen eggs,frozen peas,local newspaper and chocolate bar.Waiting behind her is a drunken male clinging to his dozen of booze he's waiting to purchase.He glances at the ladies items then says to her "Your single aren't you?"
The lady rather impressed with the obviously drunk mans powers of deduction asks "Yes sir I am how did you know"?


because your f#@ken ugly

2007-11-26 21:47:43 · 6 answers · asked by bindrinkinnsmokin 2

Black man starts work on a building site and gets given the nickname wog.he camplains to the foreman and says everyone gets a nickname,those two over there are paddy and mick,they're from ireland,that's mac,he's from scotland and thats wac he's from liverpool...the black man still not happy, so the foreman shouts out 'mick mac paddy wac,leave the wog alone'.

2007-11-26 21:43:24 · 10 answers · asked by cookie 1

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

2007-11-26 21:35:54 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde goes to work one morning crying her eyes out, Her boss, concerned about the well being of his employees,asked sympathetically: "What is the matter?"
The blonde replies,"Early this morning I got a call saying my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl,"why don't you go home for the day, we aren't so teribly busy. Just take the whole day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states,"No I'd be better off here.I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here".
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as ussual. "If you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hour later he decided to go check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes over to her and asks her, " what's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?

"No!" exclaimed the blonde. "I just received a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"

STARRRR

2007-11-26 21:12:53 · 13 answers · asked by ms avarage 2

First of all, has everyone noticed that Goldrake is wearing her Xmas Yamacah?

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you're really ugly?

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."

2007-11-26 21:04:41 · 7 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

2007-11-26 20:43:32 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. What is a four-letter word that ends in 'k' and means the same as
intercourse?

2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long,
has a head on it, and that women love so much, they often blow it?

4. What word starts with and f ends with 'uck'?

5. Name five words that are each four letters long, ends in "unt." One
of which is a word for a woman?

6. What does a dog do that you can step into?

7. What four-letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you
can't get one you can use your hands?

8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl
fat?

9. What four-letter word ends in -t and is found on the bottom of
birdcages?

10. What is it that all men have one of, is longer on some men, the
pope doesn't use his, and a man gives to his wife after they are married?

Please scroll down below for the answers


Answers:
1. Talk
2. Legs
3. A twenty dollar bill
4. Firetruck
5. Bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt
6. Pants
7. Fork
8. Almond Joy candy bar
9. Grit
10. Last Name

2007-11-26 20:28:29 · 18 answers · asked by jake5282 2

After extensive and expensive studies scientists just discovered that people with in-sufficient brain and sexual activity read the jokes/ riddles in YA with their hands on the mouse.
Don’t bother to remove your hand, it is too late now ;)


Since you caught already read this complimentary joke:-

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the Bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife And the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the Husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by theTicking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on The sidewalk, and says to him....."Why don't you put a Piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking Sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies...." If you would've put a rubber At the end of your stick, we'd be riding the bus"

2007-11-26 20:17:23 · 17 answers · asked by Pd 6

Cabbie says to the nun in his cab "my fantasy is to be sucked off by a nun"...she says ok but you must be catholic and single. Cabbie says that he is...so the nun sucks him.He starts to cry "forgive me sister i have sinned..."im married and jewish"..Nun says thats is ok i'm kevin and on way to fancy dress party!!

2007-11-26 19:48:55 · 21 answers · asked by cookie 1

Little Johnny's sister had just had a new baby without ears.

Mom and lil Johnny went over to see the new baby when mom said to lil Johnny:

" Lil Johno big sis has just given birth to a beautiful bouncing baby girl and she just called me to tell me that her baby was born without ears."

Johno," Ok ma!"

Ma," Please don't mention it or you'll get a serious spanking."

Johno," Ok, Ma I swear I won't mention his ears".

After arriving and inspecting the baby Johnny says:

"Sis, what a beautifully cute baby you have"

Sis, "Well thanks lil bro".

Johnny,"Cute little toes,cute little fingers and cute lil nose. Hey is her eye sight"

Sis, "The doctor said it is fine."

Johnny, "Damn good thing too cause she sure as hell won't be able to glasses"






Please starrrrrrr if you like.

2007-11-26 19:32:12 · 6 answers · asked by ms avarage 2

A blonde came to the library and returned her book.

Blonde: "Your book is useless. It's titled 'How to Kiss' but I could not find anything that tell me how to kiss somebody."

Librarian: "Honey, it's an encyclopedia."

2007-11-26 19:27:32 · 8 answers · asked by HazelNut 2

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.



You know what, i feel bad for him, star if you think so too, lol.......... thks

2007-11-26 18:19:06 · 24 answers · asked by Hope 6

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back to his office and scolds him angrily, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."




Poor old thing, if you liked the joke star it for others to see, thks.

2007-11-26 17:59:08 · 23 answers · asked by Hope 6

A woman asked her doctor for birth control pills.

"Ma'am, how old are you?"

"I'm 75."

"What possible need do you have for birth control pills?"

"They help me sleep better."

The doctor looked perplexed. "Just how do birth control pills help you sleep?"

"I sneak them into my granddaughter's orange juice every morning!"




If you thought she's a funny old grandma, give me a star...... thks

2007-11-26 17:34:39 · 10 answers · asked by Hope 6

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?"

2007-11-26 17:27:21 · 12 answers · asked by Hope 6

A lady at the far end of the bar waves her arm in the
air to get the
attention of the waiter and by doing that, exposes her
hairy armpit.

Down the other end of the bar is a very drunk man who
says "Hey, get
the ballerina a drink would you."

"How do you know she's a ballerina?"

"Well, no one else would get their leg up that high."

2007-11-26 17:04:09 · 14 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it then slammed it shut, stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to the edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

2007-11-26 16:53:36 · 14 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

2007-11-26 16:47:47 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bus load of NUNS goes over a cliff and explodes, all die and go to see ST Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says welcome to Heaven, but before I can let you in I need to ask every one a question.
he goes to the first Nun and says Sister have you ever touched a males Penis before? the nun looks a little shocked and eventually says yes, ST Peter says where did you touch it? she replied with my finger tip. So ST Peter says well then dip your finger tip in the holy water and welcome to heaven. Next nun please Same question and the 2nd nun replies my hand so he says dip your hand in the holy water and welcome to heaven. Next he says. suddenly a nun starts pushing her way from the back rushing to the front of the line. St Peter says Calm down sister everyone will get a chance to enter Heaven! No its not that says the pushy nun, Its just that IF I AM GOING TO DRINK THAT WATER I WANT TO DO IT BEFORE SISTER MARY PUTS HER A*S IN IT!!!!!!

2007-11-26 16:43:19 · 17 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

When the new school year started the history teacher was so excited because there were three little Indian boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement. So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knows this.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice “I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee."
The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy to stand.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice “I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche."
The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little Indian boy to stand up.
The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice " I am a Fukawee".
The teacher looks dumb founded & says "I don't think there is any such tribe as the Fukawee."
The little boy says, "My Father & I walked for many days and many nights, and many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looks around.
"He said hummmm, where the Fukawee"

Star if you like :)

2007-11-26 16:41:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pregnant Turkey

*This is priceless - would love to do this.*

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my
sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing
how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed
something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,
and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing. When h er serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother
exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant
bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convience her that

turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

2007-11-26 16:39:16 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" .

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"

The man replied, "They're Carols"

2007-11-26 16:33:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." --LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "Let me put it to you bluntly. In a changing world, we want more people to have control over your own life." --Annandale, Va, Aug. 9, 2004

8) "I've reminded the prime minister -- the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship." --Washington, D.C., June 29, 2006


7) "The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off." --Second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

6) "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." --Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005

5) "They misunderestimated me." --Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

4) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" --Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

3) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There ought to be limits to freedom" -- Response to a parody web site, May 1999.

2007-11-26 16:26:49 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

2007-11-26 16:22:16 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

ONE FREAKY WAY TO BREAK UP!!!!! DO NOT stop reading this or something bad will happen!!!!!!!! One day, Sarah was walking home from school when her boyfriend drove by and honked at her to get in. She got in his car and he drove her to the lake. Her boyfriend said he was going to tell her something very important. Sarah could have sworn he was going to propose. However, he flicked her off, pushed her in the lake and yelled, "I am breaking up with you, you awful .......!! I hate you and I think that maybe you should just end your .............. life! DUMB ....................!!!" He laughed and drove off. It was a very cold day. Sarah climbed out of the lake, freezing cold, and feeling the worst she had in her entire life. She got home went in a hot bath, and slit her wrists and died in the bathtub. Her parents yelled and screamed at her to get out until they finally broke the door down. They saw no body, but the entire bathroom was dripping with her blood. Her mom went insane and killed herself three days later, her dad is in prison, accused of murder. Later that week, Sarah's exboyfriend was taking a shower when she came from the drain, rotting and bloody, with a razor in her hand and said "Goodbye Jason." She cut his throat before he could scream. If you do not repost this with the title "1 scary way to break up", you are a heartless ..............and Sarah come to you in the shower from the drain, and will kill you the same way she killed her boyfriend. supposivly (sp?)24 ppl have broken this chain and died You have 13 minutes

2007-11-26 14:50:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

okay so here we go.

green or black

emo or goth

black and white or color

cartoons or real life?

T.v or Movies?

French or English

jobs or school

macs or dells

7 or 8

winter or fall

Christmas or Thanksgiving?

THANK YOU IF U GET WHAT I WAS THINKING U GET 10 POINTS

2007-11-26 14:07:29 · 36 answers · asked by Mari 3