Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

It has been around for a long time, but it is always new.

2007-11-25 17:14:42 · 14 answers · asked by Princess Purple 7

2007-11-25 16:06:03 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.... Have a great day and remember...
<<...OLE_Obj...>>
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

2007-11-25 16:01:57 · 13 answers · asked by Fr3dinbed 6

-----The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats that have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".
Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time
"A Bloody Nuisance" warning level occurred was during the great fire
of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by
a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". Two higher levels remain:
"Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy

2007-11-25 15:59:05 · 12 answers · asked by Fr3dinbed 6

Curious.

2007-11-25 14:24:26 · 20 answers · asked by YinxSphinxmen 4

i.e. I have to go take the browns to the superbowl!

2007-11-25 14:20:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why was that joke invented- i don't get it- was it like the first joke made- and i really don't think its funny- so why is it a joke???

2007-11-25 14:18:52 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

does it mean that you are laughing at me or with me.

2007-11-25 14:07:03 · 11 answers · asked by @NGEL B@BY 7

At dinner one night a blonde girl named Kaitlin went to the table with the rest of her family and they said the blessing and started to eat. After a few minuets of eating her sister says im making a bug out of my ketchup. Kaitlin said that bug has lots of legs. then her sister says duh all bugs have lots of legs! then Kaitlin says no some bugs have 4 legs just like us.............



Star if you liked it i thoght it was really funny!!!!!!!!!

2007-11-25 13:57:10 · 14 answers · asked by Cantxdancexenough 3

do you go high when you are down (lol).

2007-11-25 13:50:16 · 21 answers · asked by @NGEL B@BY 7

id like it as a written poem

2007-11-25 13:39:20 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time. This little test should help you get started.

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines if a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."

Okay, here's your test:
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket, as it is larger than the spoon."
What was the director's response?

2007-11-25 13:03:31 · 25 answers · asked by Maestro Malfunction 2

email me for the answer ;]]

2007-11-25 11:48:52 · 18 answers · asked by Evitakie 2

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

2007-11-25 11:00:24 · 14 answers · asked by Mansour S 5

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices however, that all the monks are copying from copies and not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing outthat if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The abbot says,"We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point my son." So the abbot goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

The young monk gets worried and goes down stairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and the abbot is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks

2007-11-25 10:55:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."

2007-11-25 10:44:21 · 10 answers · asked by Mansour S 5

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below. About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658
responded to a call, there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck,Okla. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver woke up when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating
lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked , jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow , wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary
car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled at the man to 'Pull over!' The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour. Who says Trooper's don't have a
sense of humor?

2007-11-25 10:31:19 · 10 answers · asked by Von Von 2

Once there was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead on top of a burning building. On the ground were several firemen with a sheet. They said to the Brunette "Jump down and we'll catch you on this sheet, if you don't jump the fire will catch up to you!" So she jumped. Right before she reached the ground, they pulled away the sheet and she went SPLAT! on the ground. They said the same thing to the redhead, but she said "No, I saw what you did to the brunette, i'm not dumb". THey said "No,no, no, you've got it all rong, we LIKE redheads, we don't like brunettes". So she jumped, and she went SPLAT! on the ground. Then the blonde came. They said the sam ething, but she didn't believe them when they said they actually LIKED blondes. "So here's what we'll do", she said. "Put the sheet on the ground, and BACK AWAY from it." She jumped, and she went SPLAT! on the-no, not the ground-the sheet.

2007-11-25 10:26:26 · 14 answers · asked by PinkElmo 2

second woman says oh great I will be on my back with my legs around my ears all weekend now. first woman says havn,t you got a vase!

2007-11-25 10:25:09 · 14 answers · asked by beajay 3

Okay, once there were these three men standing on top of a hill. One had an apple, one had an eggroll, and one had a bomb. The man with the apple lit it on fire and threw it as hard as he could, then ran down the hill trying to catch it. He came across a little boy who was crying. "Yo! Why are ya crying?" he asked. "A-an apple fell down from the sky and hit me on the head!" the boy answered. THe man with the eggroll lit and threw his, and the same thing happened. He ran down the hill, found a boy crying, who then said "An e-eggroll fell from the ksy and hurt my head!" THen the man w/ the bomb lit his fuse and threw it and att the bottom of the hill, found a boy laughing. "What you laughin' at?" he asked. The boy replied "I farted, and the house behind me blew up!"

2007-11-25 10:16:08 · 9 answers · asked by PinkElmo 2

pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!"

The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."

2007-11-25 10:15:31 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

2007-11-25 10:11:17 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.

They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"

The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."

2007-11-25 10:08:43 · 14 answers · asked by lasticlegs 4

George Bush and Dick Cheney are talking, when Bush suddenly complains "I hate all the dumb George Bush jokes people tell about me."

Cheney, feeling sorry for his "boss," says "Oh, they're only jokes. There are a lot of truly stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Cheney takes Bush outside and hails a cab.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," says Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drives them to 29 Nickel Street.

Cheney looks at Bush and says, "See! This guy is really stupid."

George Bush agrees. "He really is a dummy. There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

2007-11-25 10:07:40 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last night I was talking with my wife about the things in life. We are talking the idea of living or dying. I told her 'Never let me live as a vegetable, depending on machines and a bottle of fluids, if you see me like that please unplug all the artifacts taht are keeping alive, I prefer to die'. Then she stand up with an admiration face and the big b**h unplugged the tv set, the computer, the ipod and threw my beer away, damn!!!

2007-11-25 10:02:02 · 5 answers · asked by Javy 7

what is the similarity between a PlayStation 2 and Micheal Jackson?

ans: LITTLE BOYS TURN THEM ON

2007-11-25 09:54:27 · 25 answers · asked by ozzy a 2

What do you call a donut with no sprinkles??

A bagel!!

2007-11-25 09:53:32 · 14 answers · asked by Mansour S 5

Two blondes are trying to unlock there car with a coathanger

Blond 1:I cant seem to get this door unlocked.

Blond 2:Well, you better hurry up and try harder! Its starting to rain and the top is down!

2007-11-25 09:44:05 · 21 answers · asked by Captain Raison likes pizza 6

....an elderly gentleman walks up to him and asks if he can buy just half of a head of lettuce.

"Let me ask my supervisor," the kid asks and walks to the back and tells his supervisor, "Some a**hole out there wants to buy just half a head of lettuce."

Seeing his boss's face blanch, he turns around to see that the old man has followed him in, so without skipping a beat he continues, "and this gentleman would like to buy the other half. Is that alright?"

The supervisor of course ok's the sale, and once the old man has left, turns to the kid and says, "That was some quick thinking. So where are you from anyway?"

The stocker replies, "Michigan. Nothing but hookers and hockey players up there."

His boss is silent for a moment, then quietly states, "My wife is from Michigan."

"Oh yeah?" the kid asks, "What team did she play for/"

2007-11-25 09:21:18 · 7 answers · asked by Mera 7

mine was great,relaxing did nothing at all(except the usual housework)other then that nothing,but watch movies all day

2007-11-25 09:13:02 · 13 answers · asked by tnsupermomwhit 5