Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on,
but each night she is disappointed.

Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties and bra.

As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11 pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al's first words are, "Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom."

"YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This is the night, I'm gonna get some!"

When Louise reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace panties - ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says, "Right, now get your clothes off!"

Louise doesn't need telling twice, it's off with everything. "Now get over in front of the mirror..,"

"Kinky!" she thinks. "Great!"

"and do a handstand..."

"Oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages," thinks Louise...

Al walks over to Louise, parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch... "Perhaps the guys at the bar were right, a beard would suit me!"

2007-11-24 20:17:55 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

letter "e"!! what am i??

2007-11-24 20:12:18 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

three explorers an Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman were captured in the jungle by natives & taken to the village ,there thy are tied to stakes ! the Chief comes out of his hut with all the rest of the elders ,they go up to the captives & start feeling their faces then they shout out an order & some of the natives come forward & strip the captives ,the Chief & the rest of the elders then start feeling all over their skins & talking amongst themselves & getting really excited the captives all wonder whar they are saying ,but only the Englishman knows what they are saying ! he tells the others that they are going to kill us then skin us to make canoes out of it the Scotsman is horrified ! suddenly the Irishman gets hold of a knife & starts stabbing himself all over his body saying they.ll not be making a bloody canoe out of me

2007-11-24 19:22:37 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's one of those rare events in Scotland, a summer heatwave.

Out in the quaint suburb of Giffnock a wealthy businessman decides he needs to trim the lawn a little at the edges.

First though he takes a shower, a nice cooling one and when he steps out and dries himself he finds that it is much more pleasant to wear nothing in this abominable heat.

Playfully he steps up to his wife in the kitchen and gives her a little slap on the behind

"Darling," he says teasingly, "What if I were to trim the lawn just like this?"

"You had better not?" she responds enraged and embarrassed.

"Oh dear," the man giggles, stringing her along, "my little suburban wife! Too frightened of what the neighbours may think, are we?"

"Yes I am!" she responds, "they'll think I married you for your money!"

2007-11-24 19:12:34 · 19 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

2007-11-24 18:29:56 · 7 answers · asked by ★ Vaginal Discount ★ 4

Ouch!

[[another one of my random thoughts...except it's not my own thought]]

It sucks. I know!

2007-11-24 18:23:00 · 6 answers · asked by Cookie. 2

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan …)

2007-11-24 17:38:42 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

“Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?” a parishioner asked his minister.

“Definitely not,” was the preacher’s answer.

“Are you absolutely certain?”

“Yes, my son, absolutely.”

“Okay. In that case, I wonder if you’d mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year?”

2007-11-24 17:34:28 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please star if worthy...thx.

A blonde is at home working on a "puzzle" then she calls her boyfriend.
Blonde: "Honey can you come over and help me with something?"

Boy friend: "What's wrong babe?"

Blonde: "I''im working on this puzzle and its really hard, can you help me out?"

Boyfriend: "What''s it supposed to be?"

Blonde: "well according to the picture on the box its supposed to be a tiger."

So her boyfriend comes over to her house and sees the puzzle on the table

Boyfriend: "honey, maybe you should lie down, have some tea, and *sigh* and then says, "Lets put away these frosted flakes."

2007-11-24 17:21:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-24 17:10:19 · 11 answers · asked by OKIM IM 7

Pls star if worthy. Thx.

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.


They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

2007-11-24 17:08:50 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Imagine that you are in an empty room with no windows or doors. How do you escape?
I will give best answer to the first person with the correct answer!

2007-11-24 17:00:59 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pls star if worthy...thx.

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

2007-11-24 16:38:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

2007-11-24 15:15:33 · 9 answers · asked by Who's sarcastic? 6

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!

2007-11-24 15:15:08 · 26 answers · asked by Who's sarcastic? 6

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the a$$?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

2007-11-24 15:01:39 · 8 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Home Remedies
It is always important to have a plan of action ready in case an unfortunate event occurs at home. Here are some helpful tips that could really help out...

1. If you are chocking on an ice cube don't panic. Simply pour a kettle of freshly boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid argument with the missus about lifting toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High Blood pressure sufferers: Make an incision in your left or right wrist and bleed yourself for several hours, reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough

7. Avoid the mess when your toilet backs up, use the yard.

Of course we don't recommend you actually use any of these remedies, they are for humor purposes only.

2007-11-24 14:42:14 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-24 13:59:41 · 13 answers · asked by gonzooon 2

A monkey and a bear are walking through the woods, an they hate wach other so much, and find a lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie pops out and gives them each three wishes. 1st wish- The bear says, "I wish for 25% of the worlds bear are female". The monkey says, "I wish for a motorcycle". Bear says, "You stupid monkey you could wish for anything and you wish for a damn motorcycle." 2nd wish- The bear then says, "I wish that 50% of the world bears were all female". The monkey then says, "I wish for a motorcycle helmet". Bear says, "You dumb monkey what the hell you doing wishing for a motorcycle and a motorcycle helmet." 3rd wish- The bear says, "I wish for the whole worlds population of bears were all female except me and I was the only male bear and all the female bears wanted me". The monkey then says, "I wish that bear was gay!" VVVRRROOOMMMMMMM

2007-11-24 13:49:54 · 13 answers · asked by what did you say 4

With Christmas around the corner, I would like to know if anybody knows any good websites for Christmas jokes. Do you? If you do, please reply with them, and have maybe you will earn 10 extra points, if your answer gets picked, and please also tell me why you think I should take a look at that site.

2007-11-24 13:33:49 · 5 answers · asked by staggmovie 7

2007-11-24 13:05:40 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Stupid Questions

As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a ********?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ***?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

2007-11-24 13:01:57 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what she wanted to do.

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing my hands on her breast.

I remember my fear my fast beating heart
But slowly she spread her legs apart
And when I did it I felt no shame .

All at once the white stuff came
At last it's finished it's all over now
My first time ever at milking a cow.....

2007-11-24 12:27:16 · 11 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

The bride is lying in bed awaiting her new hubby to undress ...... when he drops his pants, she gasps as she sees her mans manhood is shaped like a corkscrew. 'Oh My God' she screams ... 'how did it ever get like that??' ...... 'Well' says the man ..... 'I always wondered that until one day I was in the gents loo when I saw that all the other men shook theirs and I have always been wringing mine out!!' .......

2007-11-24 12:27:02 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pls star if worthy...Thanx.

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

2007-11-24 12:26:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this time baby!'

2007-11-24 12:11:34 · 12 answers · asked by kissmtbutt 2

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. :)

2007-11-24 12:06:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tools and their real uses.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite
the handle.





TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin, " which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about
the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name
is somewhat misleading.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids And for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip
out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

2007-11-24 12:04:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.
The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful
robe.

The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now,
you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
"Oh, oh, aaaahhh, " he exclaims, "My
God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty
next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into
the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife
asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh,
OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".

He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get
it enlarged!"

2007-11-24 12:00:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various
latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures
baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop"
noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold, " explains the guide.
"The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."


Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms
are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss.
Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand
what the 'hiss, hiss, ' is, but what's that 'pop' every
so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle
nipple machine, " says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."


"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"


"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple
business!"

2007-11-24 11:59:39 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous