Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to
bring in a permission slip in order to take it.

Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher,
"My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."




give a star if u like little jhony

2007-11-23 19:44:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....


Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

2007-11-23 19:02:49 · 10 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary-eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help. We’re a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never “cured”, you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you’ll receive a reply one day from a company you’ll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you’d usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at: 1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORYOUROWNSAKE.
We’re here, we’re free, and we’re confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem. Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.

2007-11-23 18:03:21 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't be such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, "Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough"

So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, "Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something."

So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.

So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says "Free chips and dip" A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip, bites and says, "This tastes like s.hit."

And the salesman replied, "Yeah, that’s coz it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?!

2007-11-23 17:21:44 · 8 answers · asked by jooria 3

An attractive young Cork lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her Dublin date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Will ye Stop That, Boy!". The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way is it headed?"

2007-11-23 16:06:40 · 7 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,

He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him...
Like his mama used to do.

2007-11-23 14:11:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Harry went to the Internal Revenue for a job interview.

The interviewer looked at his resume and asked him, "Have you worked for government before?"

"Yes, I served 8 years in the army."

"Good, that counts in your favour. Do you have any disabilities?"

"I am 80% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have good news for you. I can hire you immediately. Our working hours are 8.00 to 4.00. Come on in about 10 tomorrow, and we'll get you started."

"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"

"This is a government agency. We don't do anything but sit around and scratch our b*lls for the first two hours. No point you coming in for that."

2007-11-23 14:03:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.

About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it!

2007-11-23 13:58:16 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

number one,at everything they say yell liar
number 2,pretend to be a phone
number 3,try an swim on the floor
number 4,tap on there door all night

2007-11-23 13:47:40 · 10 answers · asked by suzywong 4

number one,say wearing clothes is against your reilgion
umber two,go into there bedroom at 4 am and say " good morning sunshine" in a really annoying voice
number 3,snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder
number 4,say all of the lines in a film
number 5, pluck someones hair out and yell dna

2007-11-23 13:24:19 · 12 answers · asked by suzywong 4

do you all like this joke???

One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right hear Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

2007-11-23 13:21:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!"

Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.

"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation."

An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the
birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted.
The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness,
they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven.
I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven.
I should never have taken that job...."

2007-11-23 13:09:47 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
4 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals,
so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!

2007-11-23 13:06:47 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero," tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl." The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh, then it will say in newspapers in the morning: Brave American saves life of little girl" - the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" - says the man. "Oh, what are you then?" The man says: "I am a Saudi!" Then next day the newspapers say: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog

2007-11-23 13:02:34 · 12 answers · asked by daark 3

Speaking of mothers, has your mum recovered from realizing you're a should've been abortion?

2007-11-23 12:52:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Person 1: I was too busy with your mother
Person2: Speaking of mothers, tell your mom to stop ___


What should I fill in the blank with? PLEASE MAKE IT REAL GOOD!

2007-11-23 12:44:13 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

2007-11-23 12:36:43 · 21 answers · asked by omeng90 3

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

"The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"

2007-11-23 12:23:56 · 15 answers · asked by paske981 1

How good are you in problem solving??

-There is a bus with 7 Girls
-Each girl carries 7 bags
-Inside each bag there is 7 cats
-Every cat has 7 kittens
-All cats have 4 legs each

Question: How many legs are in the bus? (no tricks by the way – no drivers legs etc)

2007-11-23 12:17:38 · 15 answers · asked by raybbies 5

Seriously... he keeps giving me dirty looks. And I think he gave me the finger when I wasn't looking. Sometimes he's just out of control.

2007-11-23 12:07:32 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a
mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can opener.

A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one.

In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point.

In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and "pop!"

In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open..."

2007-11-23 11:48:18 · 12 answers · asked by Mako 7

Two eggs have been married and are on their honeymoon. While they are sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushes the male egg away and says, "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute," and off she goes.

Five minutes later the male egg sees his se*y wife walk out in a slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, oval body. Instantly the male egg, slaps his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. "The female egg looks at him and asks what he is doing.

He replies, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon."

2007-11-23 11:30:29 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

VIAGRA DINGLE MONKEY KWANK

2007-11-23 11:30:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel
tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention,
the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a
reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,
himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the
Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey,
aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well,"
says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial
Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may
be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but
according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

2007-11-23 11:22:48 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Disclaimer: I am a man. I also know how to wash clothes. Some of my male friends however, do not.

A man wanted to wash his favourite sweater, and since his wife was getting ready to go out, decided to try to wash it himself. He went into the laundry room, looked at the machine and tried to figure it out.

"Honey," he asked "what setting do I use on the machine?"

"It depends," she replied "What does it say on your sweater?"

"University of Oklahoma" he said.

2007-11-23 11:09:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

My friend stuck in traffic today said that it was really getting on her "goat" lol Where or what is your goat I asked pmsl. We really do have some strange saying dont we. Jumped out of my skin , by the skin of my teeth!!! can u think of anymore?

2007-11-23 10:57:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lion wakes up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He goes out and corners a small monkey and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later the lion confronts a wildebeast and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified wildebeast stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his tunk and slams hinm against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feel like it's been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion until he looks like a corn totrilla and then ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Jeez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pis*ed off!!"

2007-11-23 10:55:01 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind man is describing his favourite sport, parachuting.
When asked how he is able to parachute, he says that just about everything is done for him.

"I am placed in the door with my guide dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he is asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 100m from the gound," he answers.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he is again asked.

He quickly answers, "Oh that's easy......the dog's leash goes slack."

2007-11-23 10:37:06 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bus stops and this old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed, and the driver thinks nothing of it; the bus comes to another stop and another old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed and the driver thinks nothing of it, then the bus comes to another stop and this old man gets off and says to the driver "I lost my taupe and thought I found it twice then realized mine is parted down the side, and the two I saw were parted down the middle!!

2007-11-23 10:36:01 · 16 answers · asked by x Queen Bee x 3

An older couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it.

When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicare."

2007-11-23 10:22:45 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous