Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said... You wear pants don't you?

He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said... Good idea - You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Why did the man cross the road?

She said... He heard the chicken was a sl*t.

He said... What do men and sperm have in common?

She said... They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

He said... How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

She said... He buys two cases of beer.

He said... What is the difference between men and government bonds?

She said... The bonds mature.

He said... Why are blonde jokes so short?

She said... So men can remember them.

He said... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,caring and good-looking?

She said... They already have boyfriends.

He said... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

She said... A widow.

He said... Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said... Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in the bed and go to the fridge.

2007-11-24 06:41:06 · 23 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

There was a hole in a street. People fell into it and the ambulance arrived too late. So, they filled the hole. People's legs hit it and they fell and died. So, they removed the hole and put it in front of the hospital.

What about this one?

2007-11-24 06:05:36 · 6 answers · asked by Palestini Detective 4

Pls star if you like this one. Thx.

Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, “If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I’ll let you two off.”

Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.

“I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,” the first man says.

“That’s great,” the judge replies. “What did you tell them?”

“I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs.”

The other defendant says, “I got 100 people to give up drugs!”

“One hundred! How?” asks the judge.

“Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison...’”

2007-11-24 06:02:53 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes into one of these emporium type of shops situated at the corner of a street of terraced houses.

He sees a display of remote controls.

"How much for one of those?" he asks the guy behind the counter.

"Fifty pence." the guys says.

"Fifty pence? I take it they are not very good!" the man laughs

"Not at all. The best you can get - will control any TV you want." the man says perfectly seriously.

The guy buys one and then sees a DVD player and asks how much that is.

"A pound." the guys says without so much as a flicker of emotion.

"A pound?!" the customer says, "It must be junk."

"Nope." says the guy with grim seriousness, "The very best, will read any disc you put in, it also doubles up as a karaoke machine."

"I'll take the lot!" the guy says thinking to test him out.

"Sure, got your car with you? Here, take my mobile and phone all your friends and tell them about this sale - must end today." He holds out the mobile, his face straight as a die.

"I certainly will thanks, but look, I don't understand what's going on here." the man says as he starts dialing the first of his mates.

"Well," says the poker faced guy, leaning across the counter. He jerks his thumb upwards "My boss is upstairs with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."

2007-11-24 06:02:02 · 30 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Scotsman walks through a field when he sees a man scooping water from a pool and drinking it. He shouts "dinnae swally that watter its foo o coo keech".

The man replies "I'm English! what did you say?"

The Scotsman shouts back "Use both hands you'll get more in!"

2007-11-24 05:23:30 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

2007-11-24 05:20:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, carees her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive naked ... with beer.

2007-11-24 05:13:56 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that ******* map!"

2007-11-24 05:12:45 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Steve McClarens post match interview ,Garth Crooks BBC1 where were you tactics Steve ?: he paused for a while flashed a big toothy smile & replied in my pocket i have got Lemon & Lime

2007-11-24 05:08:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-24 04:09:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-24 03:52:27 · 9 answers · asked by Double O 6

This man walks in a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"
The Man says, "Well, my son has just come home from college and I found out he's gay."
Joe says, "Man that's terrible," and gives the man his whiskey and beer.
Two weeks go by and the same man goes to the bar... He walks in and says, "Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"
Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter this time?"
The man says, "Well my other boy just come home from college and I found out that HE'S gay."
Joe says, "Man, that's a damn shame," and fixes him up with the beer and whiskey. Three weeks go by and the man comes bursting through the doors and says,
"Joe, I want you to fix me up with every f*cking drink you got in the house!"
Joe says, "Geez, doesn't anyone in your family love women?" The man says, "Yeah, I just found out my wife does..."

(no offense to anyone...its JUST A JOKE!!

2007-11-24 02:49:01 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-24 02:45:48 · 26 answers · asked by Kediri 1

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees’ well being, asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”

The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. “Why don’t you go home for the day, we aren’t terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.”

The blonde very calmly states, “No, I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything, just let me know.”

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, “What’s so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?”

“No!” exclaims the blonde. “I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!”

2007-11-24 02:38:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

One morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in D.C and his name is Jeff.”

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. “Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She’s a wonderful wife but she’s never offered much excitement in the bedroom, I have fooled around with other women a lot. Jeff is actually your half-brother, and I’m afraid you can’t marry him.” Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again.

A year later she came home and very proudly announced, “Mitch asked me to marry him! We’re getting married in June.” Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Mitch is your half-brother too, Hun. I’m terribly sorry about this.”

Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her. “Dad has done

2007-11-24 02:24:17 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well son, there’s three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”"Onions?” “Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, “Mum, how many types of “tallywhackers” are there?” The mother, surprised, smiles and answers. Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his tallywhacker is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree??” her daughter asks.

“Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

2007-11-24 01:34:41 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

why did piglet put its head into the toilet bowl ?

2007-11-24 00:35:54 · 5 answers · asked by rainbowbear83 3

π meets i in a bar. i tells π "Hey dude, be rational". π answers him "Hey man, get real!".

2007-11-24 00:22:56 · 4 answers · asked by randomdude 3

with vibrators..........but he,s having trouble with squators!

2007-11-23 23:40:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her a**. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring all your implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

2007-11-23 23:34:59 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.
A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his w*lly.

2007-11-23 23:29:21 · 13 answers · asked by ? 6

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear–everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and MandMs. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”

One eye opened. The wife said, “You idiot, I meant my dress size!”

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

2007-11-23 23:07:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the
car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said
"Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.

What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.

Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.

Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette
said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward
and said, "Where, where?"

How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed
to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her joke on Wednesday.

2007-11-23 22:58:17 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. Since he had no family his two best friends Cooter and Jethro were called to come identify the body.

Cooter arrived first, when the medical examiner pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yep, he's burnt real bad. You'd better turn him over." The M.E. thought this was a strange request, but he did it anyway and Cooter said, "Nope, that ain't Bubba."

Still needing a positive I.D. on the body the M.E. called upon Jethro. As the M.E. pulled the sheet back Jethro said, "Yep, he shore is burnt up, could ya turn him over." The M.E. did as requested and Jethro said, "Nope, that ain't Bubba."

The M.E. asked Jethro what he and Cooter were looking for and how they knew the body wasn't Bubba.

Jethro replied, "Well, we ain't never seen 'em, but Bubba had two assholes."

The M.E. asked how Jethro and Cooter knew this.

And Jethro said, "everywhere we went with Bubba people would say hey, there's Bubba with them two assholes."

2007-11-23 21:12:47 · 15 answers · asked by Fireguy 2

Oasma Bin Laden sends George bush a coded message to let him know he's still alive - 370HSSV 0773H. Bush was baffled as where the FBI and CIA, so they sent it to the British MI6 to solve. 5 minutes later they got a reply "Tell Mr President that he is holding the message upside down......."

2007-11-23 21:09:42 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Houston calls 1st monkey: "adjust oxygen 20%, stop radar, phase to warp factor 3. Monkey 1 "ok done".
Houston to 2nd monkey "switch off engine 3 & start radiation shield, adjust anti-gravitational throttle. Monkey 2 " ok, done"
Houston to woman: " feed monkeys and dont bloody touch anything!!!

2007-11-23 20:53:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day in the convent the nuns had their morning prayer session. At the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the rest of the nuns. She said, "There was a man in the convent last night." 99 of the nuns go ohhh, and 1 of them goes hee hee hee. The head nun goes on, "We found a condom in the garden." Again 99 of the nuns go ohhhh, 1 nun goes hee hee hee. The head nun continues "There was a hole in that condom." 99 nuns go hee hee hee, 1 nun goes ohhh.

2007-11-23 20:46:35 · 16 answers · asked by free the weed 3

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes." Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching powder and poured a little of it into the Queen's brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote lotion into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder onto King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master ...

Moral of the story: Pay your bills

2007-11-23 20:44:11 · 15 answers · asked by free the weed 3

The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end
And the end of every place

2007-11-23 20:10:07 · 14 answers · asked by chidambaram k 6

Three ageing men are discussing the woes of getting old. The 60 year old says:

"Sixty's bad. You know, I just can't pee when I want to at all."

The 70 year old gives a magnificent snort of disdain.

"Sixty? That's nothing. Wait till your seventy and you can't shift your bowels at all. You eat prunes, take laxatives, mountains of bran - nothing. Sit there all morning , I don't know."

"What's it like for you then - you're eighty past?" asks one of the older gent who has said nothing so far.

"I pee every morning at eight and shift my bowels at nine regular."

"Well" said the other one, "that's good to hear, at least you have no problems"

"Oh I wouldn't say that." says the octogenarian.

"How come?"

"I wake up at ten!"

2007-11-23 19:51:04 · 18 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7