Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

The dumb bear and the bright bunny are walking through the enchanted forest when the Fairy of the Forest appears to them in shimmering light.

"My friends!" she exclaims, "your luck day! I am here to grant you three wishes each!"

"Do-oooooooh!" coos the bear in wonder, "Me first, me first!"

"Okay, what is your first wish?"

He thinks for a moment and then says, "I want all the other bears in this forest to be lady bears!"

"Granted! and now you Mr Bunny?"

The bright bunny thinks for a bit, "I wanna crash helmet!"

"A crash helmet? What a waste of a wish! However, it's been wished for and I can't undo it." and PING, a crash helmet falls at the bunny's feet. He puts it on.

It comes to the second wish, so the dumb bear says, "I want all the bears in the SURROUNDING forests to be lady bears!"

Ping, all the bears in the surrounding forests are lady bears. So it is the bunny's second wish.

"I wanna motorbike!" he says eagerly. PING A lovely shiny motorbike lies resting beside him.

The dumb bear thinks then says, "I want ALL the other bears in the whole wide WORLD to be lady bears!" PING! All the other bears turn into lady bears.

"So what you gonna wish for now?" the bear asks the bunny.

The bunny jumps onto the motorbike, revs it up and as he speeds off he shouts, "I wish you were gay!"

2007-11-23 05:22:26 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper. "Dad" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergeant standing behind me told me that if I didn't jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of d*ck up my a*s." "Well did you jump?" asks his dad.

"Just a little at first" answered the boy.

2007-11-23 04:57:09 · 11 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

Not in my lifetime.....

2007-11-23 04:49:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The person who gets it right, wins. The person who has the most original three, comes 2nd!!!!!!!1

2007-11-23 04:36:23 · 8 answers · asked by jk 2

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get
ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone,
and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him
to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and
waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no
wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I
won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I
do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you
have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said
the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra
with the housekeeper..."


Haha :)

2007-11-23 04:34:40 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-23 04:24:10 · 17 answers · asked by Ben belgili tanimlik bok ev adam 2

A blond goes into work one day and her boss finds her crying her eyes out in the staff room.
"whats the matter, are you allright"
"I got a call from my dad earlier, my mum died this morning" she says crying all the more
"Do you want to go home"
"no, im fine"
"are you sure"
"yes"
So her boss leaves her, 1/2 later he went to check on her, she was crying her eyes out again.
"whats the matter now, do you want to go home"
GULP SNIFFLE "my sister just called" SNIFFLE SNIFFLE SNIFFLE "Her mum died too!"

2007-11-23 03:19:37 · 25 answers · asked by Jensen Ackles Girl (I Wish!) 5

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ****!"

The Teacher fainted

2007-11-23 02:00:19 · 18 answers · asked by jatin 3

1."let's invite our neighbours for lunch"
2."get dressed-we're having company"
3."mom sure makes a great manburger"
4."i'd like to toast our guest of honour"
5."my stomach hurts.i think i ate some one who disagreed with me."
6."want to try out the hot tub?"
7."lately i'm fed up with people"
8."I told you not to speak with some one in your mouth!"
9."Don't get into a stew"
10."How did your team do today son?"-"we creamed them!"
if you like this joke please mark it amazing as it'll encourage me to new ideas.

2007-11-23 01:52:03 · 6 answers · asked by Andy 1

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to
see the bed was nicely made and
everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up
prominently on the centre of the pillow. It
was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope
and read the letter with trembling
hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm
leaving home . I had to elope with my new
boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Randy
and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too
- even with all his piercing,
tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm
pregnant and Randy said that he wants
me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though
Randy is much older than me
(anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really
these things shouldn't stand in the
way of our relationship , don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods
and has a stack of firewood for!
the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know
he'll be faithful to me in his own
way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of
my dreams too. Randy taught me that
marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and
we'll trade it with our friends
for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray
that science will find a cure for
AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I
just wanted to remind you that
there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk
centre drawer. Please sign it and
call when it is safe for me to come home.I love U

2007-11-23 01:22:12 · 15 answers · asked by jatin 3

2007-11-23 01:04:13 · 13 answers · asked by Pebble 4

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.


He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.



He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."


Time stopped.


The bear froze.


The forest was silent.


It was then that a bright light shone down upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"


The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the bear a Christian?"


"Very well," said the voice.


The light went out.


And the sounds of the forest resumed.


Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."

2007-11-23 00:54:13 · 13 answers · asked by jatin 3

go for it guys.....

2007-11-22 22:40:03 · 18 answers · asked by ? 2

I guarantee that the 1st thing that pops up in UR head is the wrong answer.

2007-11-22 22:16:52 · 14 answers · asked by Lana 2

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? -- So men can understand them

What is the difference between government bonds and men? -- Government bonds mature

What is a man's idea of helping with the housework? -- Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? - E.T. phoned home.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women? - When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

What did GOD say after HE created man? - I can do better than this.

How do men define a "50-50" relationship? - women cook/men eat- women clean/men dirty - women iron/men wrinkle

How do men exercise at the beach? - By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini.

2007-11-22 21:28:22 · 25 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

This is a real letter, which somebody posted to the Tax office in
IRELAND explaining why they had not paid Tax for several years.

This is alleged to be the actual text of a letter received by the
Revenue Commissioners from a Co. Longford farmer in reply to an
income Tax demand.

Dear Sirs,

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would
have given the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a
melancholy reflection of what has gone before. You say you thought
the account could have been settled long ago, and you could not
understand why it hadn't. Well, here are the reasons:

In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a
combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel
shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit.

In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn
thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed.

2007-11-22 21:25:22 · 3 answers · asked by ShelFish 4

A childless couple decided to adopt a Mexican baby. After they got the baby, they decided to enroll in a Spanish class. When asked why, the wife replied, "So that when the baby starts to talk, we'll be able to understand him

2007-11-22 21:22:45 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A man walked in a bar and asked for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender lined them up, and the man proceeded to down all ten in about two minutes.

After he was done, the bartender asked him, "Hey, what was the occasion?" "I just got my first bl*w job," replied the man.

The bartender said, "Great, let me buy you another shot of whiskey." "No," the man said. "If ten shots won't kill the taste, nothing will."

2007-11-22 20:34:20 · 13 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

Two elderly gentlemen are sitting on the front porch one afternoon, when one comments on how his arthritis has been a problem of late. "What medication do you use?", he asks the other. At this, the fellow thinks for a bit, then replies, "Oh, my memory is just terrible. Let's see. What's the name of that flower that grows on a long, thorny stem, and has lots of red petals and smells so nice?" His companion ventures. "A rose!" That's it!", he says as he turns toward the front door to ask, "HEY ROSE! What's the name of that arthritis medicine I've been using?!"

2007-11-22 20:33:14 · 9 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

John walked out onto the porch of the nursing home to inform his old buddies he was leaving the next day. One asked why he was leaving. John said " because I'm getting married. I'm going to marry a 20 year old beautiful blond". One of the friends said " John, don't do that, all that sex could kill a person". John said " If she dies she dies".

2007-11-22 20:26:02 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A farmer`s friend came to visit an they were touring the barn yard when the friend noticed that a pig had a wooden leg. So he ask the farmer why does thst pig have a wooden leg? Oh that pig is a good pig you know what that pig did? I was plowing on the side of a hill and my tractor turned over an pened me underneith the tractor that pig busted out of the pen, dug a hole under the tractor grabed my coat and pulled me to safety just before the tractor burst into flames. That`s a good pig.
Yes but it still don`t tell me why it has a wooden leg . Well you know what that pig did one other time? In the middle of ihe night our house started on fire an that pig busted out of the pen again and busted our door down, woke me and my wife up, and we were able to save our kid`s and some of our belonging`s. That`s a good pig.

But it still dont tell me why it has a wooden leg. Well heck man, a good pig like that you wouldn`t want to eat him all at once Would you?

2007-11-22 20:23:13 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A 16-year-old boy was driving a moped down a one-way street in the wrong direction. A policeman stopped him and gave him a ticket. The policeman paid the ticket himself. What is a logical explanation for this?

2007-11-22 19:10:28 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Amir and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, " Ladies and Gentlemen , I am afraid I have some very bad news.
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Amir turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5 lakh deposit cheque yet to Bank?"
" No, sweetheart ," she responds.
Amir, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our Bank Master card yet?"
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.
"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Amir," begged Mona. " I didn't send that one, either ."

Amir grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"
Amir answers, " They'll find us !!!!"

2007-11-22 19:07:55 · 4 answers · asked by hotpot_garry 2

2007-11-22 18:59:25 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

and asked for a solution for his problem.The Eye specialist replied seriously,'But to tell that why three people have come??????!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-11-22 18:23:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Travis loves the colour yellow.
He decides to do up his laundry room.

He missed out one item.
What was it?

2007-11-22 18:11:09 · 13 answers · asked by decemberbaby 3

Two students wanted to go to the football game..
but they didn't have any money for gas. So they borrowed their neighbors donkey and decided to ride it through town to get to the stadium. Cars were honking and people yelling at them but they finally make it to the parking lot. While one of them is tying the donkey to a light pole the other one is lifting up the donkey's tail and staring kind of funny. The other one says, "What on earth are you doing?"

"I had to look. Didn't you hear that guy back there yell out "Hey, look at those two assholes on that donkey?”

2007-11-22 17:32:19 · 22 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.
However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy *****."


pls star if you like :)

2007-11-22 17:19:06 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

2007-11-22 16:57:00 · 26 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

2007-11-22 16:49:25 · 12 answers · asked by jockman432004 4