Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.
"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."
When he heard this, the other child started to cry.
"Why are you crying?"
"I'm here for a urine test."

2007-11-22 15:39:58 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

LITTLE RALPHY

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralph.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice
cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice
cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The
third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

2007-11-22 15:24:08 · 10 answers · asked by Felani Perez 4

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was
concerned that his students might be a little
confused about Jesus Christ because of the
Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He
wanted to make sure they understood that
the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago,
that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in
heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in
my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously,
blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at
the teacher, and waited for a response. The
teacher was completely at a loss for a few
very long seconds, Finally, he gathered his
wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning,
my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom
door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still
in there?!"

2007-11-22 15:09:04 · 13 answers · asked by hotpot_garry 2

**It's not a really funny joke.

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback camealong and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "That Indian rode bareback......"

2007-11-22 14:06:46 · 11 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

Little Johnny just didn't get math
His parents tried tutoring, home-school, private school. EVERYTHING!!!
So they decided to send him to a catholic school. (no offense)
The first day Johnny came home, he went straight to his room, and hit the books.
This went on for the rest of the month.
When Johnny came home with his report card, he laid it nicely on the counter, and went up to his room to study.
His mother looked at his report card, and to her surprise, Johnny got an A+ in math.
Her curiosity was high, and she went to his room and asked,
'Johnny, why do you have such a change in math? Was it the school?'
'no.'
'The nuns?'
'no.'
'Well, was it the other kids, the teachers, the atmosphere? What is it?!'
Johnny put down his book and said,
'Well, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

2007-11-22 13:50:01 · 9 answers · asked by the soccer guy 3

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?"

"Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --"

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point."

Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel free this afternoon?"

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?"

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.

Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.

"Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"

2007-11-22 13:49:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I KNOW THIS IS LONG BUT PLEASE TRY IT

Multiple Choice:

1. You log-on to:
A) Check your stock portfolio.
B) Meet new people and hang out.
C) Deny the punt beast his glory.

2. This week you spent:
A) 2-10 hours online.
B) Gee, probably about 20 hours online if you include flash sessions.
C) What day is it? (Give yourself “C” point credits if you’ve been on line since last week)

3. “Hell” can be best defined as:
A) A fiery dimension of eternal torture and penance.
B) Waiting in line at the DMV.
C) “The system is temporarily unavailable. Please try again in 15 minutes.”

4a. You experience the greatest amount of stress when:
A) You are caught in rush hour traffic.
B) You realize you don’t have enough money to pay your bills.
C) You receive 17 IM’s while in the middle of a riveting chat in a crowded room.

4b. Extra Credit: The answer to 4a is not “B” because:
A) You have money you can pull out of savings in an emergency.
B) Revolving debt is the American way of life.
C) You’ve gotten completely used to not being able to pay all your bills ever since you got your first AOL statement.

5. Your favorite television show is:
A) Melrose Place.
B) Star Trek and/or Hercules/Xena.
C) Television? You mean that monitor over there in the corner?

6. The best place to go on a date is:
A) A quiet, remote little bed and breakfast.
B) The living room couch to cuddle in front of a video.
C) PR Hot Sexx. (Give yourself “C” points credit if you can’t remember because your primary Screen Name is married)

7. The first things you look for when considering a new living space are:
A) Location and structural integrity.
B) A lock on the front door and a month to month lease.
C) Outlets and phone points.

8. Dinner last night consisted of:
A) A spinach and tofu lasagna you baked yourself.
B) A something-or-other burger from, you know, what’s it called? That place.
C) You have no idea, but you immediately start looking at the crumbs around your key board for clues. (Give yourself “C” points credit if you don’t eat dinner).

9. “DM” stands for:
A) Demilitarized.
B) Dungeon Master.
C) Damn mouse!

10. The most important thing to look for in a bar is:
A) A liquor license.
B) Free snacks.
C) A phone point for the laptop you carry with you wherever you go.

11. The first thing you really want to know about somebody you are considering dating is:
A) “Do you have a job?”
B) “Do you have your own computer?”
C) “Do you have an AOL Screen Name?”

12. The second most important factor in choosing a mate would be:
A) They come from a good family.
B) They’re exciting enough to get you away from the computer.
C) Compatible on-line hours.

13. The first thing you do when you meet someone is:
A) Smile and say hello.
B) Mumble something and look at the floor and hope they go away.
C) Look up their member profile. (Give yourself “C” point credits if you never meet anyone because your hand is permanently glued to the mouse)

14. The most frequently left message on your answering machine is something like:
A) “We had so much fun Saturday night! Thanks again for coming over.”
B) “Wow. I got through the busy signal. You’re actually off the modem?”
C) “I know you’re there! Why aren’t you picking up? Hello? Oh, hell! You got a dedicated line, didn’t you?” (Give yourself “C” point credits if you’ve unplugged your phone so that the damn thing will stop interrupting your chats).

15. Your best friend is:
A) Someone you met at work.
B) Someone you’ve been AOL penpals with since fifth grade.
C) Some stranger whose name you don’t know, who probably lives several states away.

16. You check your email:
A) A couple of times a week.
B) Pretty much first thing when you get home.
C) The minute it comes in, unless you’re in the middle of a really intense chat.

17. The most time you’ve ever spent on-line in one sitting is:
A) Two or three hours.
B) Gosh, probably like, six hours once or twice.
C) You are still blinking at the above question waiting for the “you have been on-line for 38,647 minutes scroll to pop up so that you can calculate.

18. “Logs” are for:
A) Fire places.
B) Saving special chats.
C) Sending to TOSmail because the snert interrupted a very sensitive chat.

19) Your first response to “Nothing beats a great pair of Legs,” is
A) Those idiot advertisers!
B) Except a great pair of butt cheeks.
C) Who needs legs? As long as I have my comfy ‘puter chair…

20) You don’t swear because:
A) It isn’t nice.
B) It’s more fun and challenging to think up creative alternatives.
C) TOS. (Give yourself “C” points credit if you do swear because you’ve ceased fearing TOS).

21) You notice your house is on fire. Your first response is:
A) “Let’s get everybody out safely!”
B) “BRB”
C) “Oh man, there must be some way to get the computer out of here!”

22) You are lost without your:
A) Organizer.
B) Program Manager.
C) Buddy list.

23) The first thing you do when you receive good news is:
A) Call your family.
B) Question it relentlessly.
C) Send it to your e-mail buddies.

24) This quiz was probably created because:
A) The author has a noble interest in psychiatric advances.
B) Some jerk was bored.
C) AOL was down for a few hours.

~~Scoring~~

Tally up your answers, giving yourself one point for every “A” answer, two points for every “B” answer, and three points for every “C” answer. Subtract five points for any acronym you don’t understand.

0-25 Chill out newbie, you’re fine.

26-51 No one can accuse you of being computer illiterate, but if anyone tells you you’re spending too much time on-line, tell them I said, “Not even close.”

52-65 UNPLUG THE COMPUTER NOW. THERE’S THE BAREST SLIVER OF HOPE!!!!

2007-11-22 13:24:44 · 12 answers · asked by tastybits 7

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"



Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own



Handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.



Bush opened the Letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:



370H-SSV-0773H



Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice.



Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.



No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.



Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.



Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:



"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

2007-11-22 13:21:53 · 21 answers · asked by metrik 2

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.

This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this." was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

2007-11-22 13:12:57 · 28 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island
If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breathes through an a*shole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans.
(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

2007-11-22 12:57:24 · 20 answers · asked by tastybits 7

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.

2007-11-22 12:52:56 · 26 answers · asked by tastybits 7

Hello.

Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary-eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help. We’re a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.

We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never “cured”, you most certainly can recover.

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:

1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you’ll receive a reply one day from a company you’ll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you’d usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at: 1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORYOUROWNSAKE.

We’re here, we’re free, and we’re confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem. Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.

2007-11-22 12:42:57 · 21 answers · asked by tastybits 7

I hope all of you are enjoying your Thanks-Giving dinner, and I would like to wish you a very HAPPY THANKS-GIVING, the joke I am about to post, some of you make get it some won't, but here goes nothing:

Things That Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving, But Aren't

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

2007-11-22 12:41:30 · 8 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

Bobby's dad caught him masturbating. Son if you continue to do that you will ruin your eyes. "I'm over here dad"

2007-11-22 12:26:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's this guy who was having problems with his wife. She wasn't listening to him. So, one day, he went to his pastor. His pastor told him, "Why don't you try this? When you come home, shout, 'Honey, I'm home! What's for dinner tonight!?' If she doesn't answer, move to the bedroom and shout the same thing. If she doesn't respond, try the dining room and shout the same thing. If not, move to the kitchen, put your lips near her ear and shout, 'Honey, I'm home! What's for dinner tonight!?'" So, the guy goes home. He shouts from the living room, "Honey, I'm home! What's for dinner tonight!?" No reply. He tried the bedroom. "Honey, I'm home! What's for dinner tonight!?" Still, nothing. Next, he goes to the dining room and does the same. Finally, he goes to the kitchen and shouts in her ear, "Honey, I'm home! What's for dinner tonight!?" The wife turns around, arms akimbo, and says, "For the fourth and last time, James! We are having Fettucine tonight!"

2007-11-22 11:58:59 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.


He whispered, "I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.
YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY."

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.

As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."


So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.
NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
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*
*
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN
SHE COULD FIND.

2007-11-22 11:53:10 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.theholidayspot.com/thanksgiving/jokes.htm

2007-11-22 11:31:01 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four friends, who had not seen each other in 30 years reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and is now president of the company.He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline,and then
went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he
gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer.

2007-11-22 11:19:57 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

so there is this 9 year old girl who always asks her mother this question. "mom, how old are u? what is ur height? "why did dad leave u?. and the reply was always "jenny, it is rude to ask the elderly about these. one day she went to school, and told her friend, and her friend was like u can find every info about her on her driver's license. the next day, she sneaked , and read wat was on her mother's license, so she went straight to her mother and said. "mom, i know how old u r. u are 35. i also know how tall u r. u r 5'8. and i know why dad left u. it's because u had an F in sex!

2007-11-22 10:52:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's no big deal, unless you aren't getting any.

2007-11-22 10:49:01 · 5 answers · asked by Gaspode 7

Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

2007-11-22 10:48:51 · 17 answers · asked by \ 5

2007-11-22 10:14:05 · 11 answers · asked by Huh 5

MY NEW NAME IS Tootsie Feather Boob.....DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS…
We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute.
Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.

Here is your dose of humour...
Follow the instructions to find your new name.

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
So:-
1. Use the third letter of your first name to
determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dink y
z = zinky

2007-11-22 10:06:31 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice t*ts! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

2007-11-22 09:59:26 · 14 answers · asked by Tony 5

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, “Sir, is that your wife?”

“Yes.”

“Did you hit her with that golf club?”

“Yes. Yes, I did,” the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

“How many times did you hit her?”

“I don’t know. Four…five…six…put me down for a four.”

******************************************************8
Two buddies are talking and one says to the other, “Listen, I think my wife is dead.”

“How come?”

“She’s the same in bed, but the dishes keep piling up…”

******************************************************
_ Why is air like sex?

A: Because it is no big deal until you're not getting any

******************************************************
If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

2007-11-22 09:45:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell c*ck in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."
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A little boy is sitting in the barber's chair and becoming anxious, so the barber gives him a tootsie roll to keep him quiet. As the barber trims his bangs, loose hair falls over his face. "Do you have hair on your goodie?" asks the barber. "Don't be silly, you old pervert! I'm only eight years old!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen." the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'."

2007-11-22 09:24:07 · 8 answers · asked by Tony 5

the man says 'here, iron this'!

2007-11-22 09:20:07 · 13 answers · asked by Plato 5

one turned to the other and said ' I say old boy have you read Marx'?
The other one said 'no it's these wicker chairs'!

2007-11-22 09:16:00 · 14 answers · asked by Plato 5

whoever get its first or is closest gets the 10 points! soo start guessing =]

2007-11-22 08:57:50 · 26 answers · asked by LiveLaughLove 3

A 94 year old man is involved in hospital medicial tests
the nurse asked him to give a sperm sample.
He takes the sample tube home with him and returns to the hospital 2 days later and the tub is still empty.
The nurse asked why is it empty.
The man says it's no good, i tryed with my right hand and my left hand i got my wife to try with both hands and with her mouth,
With her teeth in and her teeth out.
I even got doris next door 2 try but we still could not get the damn lid off

2007-11-22 08:42:55 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous