Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Ten phrases you might hear on Thanksgiving that may put your mind in the gutter!

1. Just reach in there and grab the giblets.

2. Wow! That’s one incredible spread!

3. I am in the mood for some dark meat!

4. Tying her legs together will keep the inside nice and moist.

5. What a beautiful big breast!

6. Looks like he’s going to force his way into the end zone!

7. She’s almost 4000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 12 men to hold her down!

8. Hey everybody, it’s cool whip time!

9. If I don’t unbutton my pants, I think I’m going to burst!

10. It must be broken. When I push on the tip, nothing squirts out!

2007-11-22 08:19:39 · 7 answers · asked by Tony 5

What row of numbers comes next in this series, and why?
1
11
21
1211
111221
312211
13112221

2007-11-22 08:07:37 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

b4 i tell you. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
mmkaays so there is a blonde, brunette and redhead. And their in the dessart, there was a gennie who said that they get one wish. So the brunette wished for a lot of water. The redhead wished for a lot of food to last her a very long time. Then the blonde wished for a car door to bring along so when it gets hot she can roll down the window.

get it?(:
funny?
yes?
no?

2007-11-22 07:53:02 · 10 answers · asked by nancy 2

so SHE could learn from HER mistakes!!

2007-11-22 07:20:42 · 24 answers · asked by harveymycat 3

It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned
a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one
suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not
real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort
of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the attendant,

"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a
ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd
have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

2007-11-22 07:03:44 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Wife is heavily pregnant and in hospital to give birth. An anxious husband is watching cricket whilst awaiting news from the hospital. Eventually he could not wait any longer and called the hospital to find out about his wife, but…..he accidentally dialed the cricket stadium. When the phone was answered he asked: ”How are things“ and was told: “fine, 3 were out by tea break, in total 7 were out by lunch time, the last one out was a duck!“ The husband fainted.

2007-11-22 07:01:24 · 12 answers · asked by naked lunch 3

A man forgot his wedding anniversary. His angry wife demanded: ”Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds!“

Next morning wife found a parcel in the driveway containing a new bathroom scale…His funeral will be held on Friday!!

2007-11-22 06:59:38 · 13 answers · asked by naked lunch 3

Lateral thinking,
Well I gave you two easy questions.
Some poor misguided people, thought my second question was racist, why because I mentioned black man?
I suggest, you get a life, I do not care what colour you are, Red, Green, Blue?
It does not matter to me, but you have a problem?
So never call me racist, this applies more to you than me.
Well for sensible people (Racists, black white green blue. Please do not answerer)
There are three men, who will be executed at midnight.
A reprieve comes in for one of them, but before the Governor can find out who, there is a storm and communication, dies.
So the Governor decides the best answer will be for the most intelligent prisoner to live?
So he tells them “ I have three pieces of black paper and two pieces of white paper. (Racists, ignore this)
I will place one piece of paper on your back, the first person that tells me what colour paper they have on their back, will get the reprieve.
After some time one of the men, comes out and says. “I have black on my back”
So how did he work this out?
Tell me and you will have my respect?

2007-11-22 06:51:38 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He narrowed it down to one of two people -- Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that whichever one used the water cooler first the following morning would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."

2007-11-22 06:49:10 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow
of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only
with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I
like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and
he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says "I
think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"

Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year). The following
Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this
constant bickering!"

2007-11-22 06:40:22 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

The Bells


Chorus
Jingle bells, Shopping bells, jingle all the way,
Oh, what fun it is to go shopping everyday.
Candy store, five and ten, sports shop after that,
Toys for all the kiddies and don't forget the cat.


Dashing thru the crowds, people everywhere,
Up and down the aisles, sneezing in my hair.
There's so much to choose, there's so much to see.
Wonder if what I got you cost more'n what you got me.

Chorus
Shopping Bells, Jingle Bells, will they never stop,
I've been shopping all week long and I'm about to drop.
Ring them bells somewhere else far away from here,
Ain't it really lucky Christmas comes but once a year?

Verse
Wrap your presents nice, Pretty bows that shine,
Take them out to mail, You're gonna wait in line.
Find your way back home, and if you're like me,
Maybe on the twenty-fourth, You'll get to trim the tree.

Chorus
Jingle Bells, Shopping Bells, Jingle dear Saint Nick,
Got a hundred envelopes I'm gonna have to lick, "yick"
Shopping Bells, Jingle Bells, my fingers all have cramps,
And to really top it off, I just ran out of stamps.

Chorus
Jingle Bells, Shopping Bells, ringing in my ear,
I'll be broke 'till Easter time just like I was last year.
Shopping Bells, Jingle Bells, a few more days and then,
When I see the children smile, I'll do it all again.

2007-11-22 06:38:21 · 21 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, I'm ***-kissing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets

2007-11-22 06:35:57 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he
buys her a new prosthetic and hides it in the closet.
Unfortunately, she finds it and confronts him with the artificial
limb.

"This wouldn't, by any chance, be my Christmas present, would it?"
she asks.

"No, of course not." responds her husband. "It's just a stocking
stuffer."

2007-11-22 06:24:22 · 9 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A 94 year old man is involved in hospital medicial tests
the nurse asked him to give a sperm sample.
He takes the sample tube home with him and returns to the hospital 2 days later and the tub is still empty.
The nurse asked why is it empty.
The man says it's no good, i tryed with my right hand and my left hand i got my wife to try with both hands and with her mouth,
With her teeth in and her teeth out.
I even got doris next door 2 try but we still could not get the damn lid off

2007-11-22 06:18:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods
searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with
hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm
chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's
decorated or not!"

2007-11-22 06:17:19 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Michael Jackson and 30 1st grade students were on a crashing plane. The plane had only 2 parachutes.
The pilot said "come on michael, lets take the parachutes and jump."

Michael replied, "What about the kids?"

"Screw the kids," the pilot countered

"But we don't have time!" Michael exclaimed

2007-11-22 06:07:01 · 11 answers · asked by Matt M 2

a man put an eg in the microwave for two minutes.
the egg didnt explode.
it wasny harboiled
how is this possible

2007-11-22 06:04:21 · 17 answers · asked by !jastastic! 2

One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I
bought you last year!"

2007-11-22 06:01:57 · 15 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

You better come out, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.

He's making the switch,
He's leaving his wife,
He's gonna come out, to start a new life
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.

A secret he's been keeping,
It's made him awful tense.
He knows it will be better now,
When he comes down off that fence.

So you better come out,
You better not cry, you better not pout,
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.

2007-11-22 05:55:54 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for
Christmas.
____________________________________________

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,
"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the
defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this
shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
___________________________________________

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
They'd been worn all week and needed the air.

2007-11-22 05:53:43 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Theres this wagon walking down the road and it loses 1 wheel so how many pancakes does it take to shingle the roof of a doghouse?

Aswer: 18 cause ice-cream doesn't have bones.

2007-11-22 05:51:59 · 11 answers · asked by Joox 3

Deck The Halls

See that drag queen his name's Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 bucks he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

We wish you a happy hearing,
we wish you a happy hearing,
We wish you a happy hearing,
and we hope you make bail!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.

2007-11-22 05:49:29 · 7 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

3 people were on a plane. One said to the pilot, "I have a glass bottle. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window. The second one asked the same question and the pilot also told him to throw it out the window. The third one asked the pilot, "I have a bomb. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window. When they landed they met a man crying. When asked why he was crying, he replied, "Because I got hit in the head with a glass bottle. They met a woman who was crying for the same reason. Then the met a man laughing. They asked him why he was laughing and he replied, "Because I walked by a building and farted. Then the building blew up.

2007-11-22 05:45:00 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

first right answer..10 points..

2007-11-22 05:31:01 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

star if u like.

2007-11-22 05:23:41 · 9 answers · asked by jatin 3

An elderly man, Willy, mimes driving a car as runs around the halls of a retirement home. An orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he's doing.

Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."

The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him. He catches Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies,"I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago."

2007-11-22 05:19:37 · 7 answers · asked by ian h 3

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.

"Olympic condoms?", she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."

2007-11-22 05:16:59 · 7 answers · asked by ian h 3

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

please star if u liked.

2007-11-22 05:16:32 · 6 answers · asked by jatin 3

Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, "I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized."

Doctor Fitzpatrick says, "I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered."

Doctor Ahn says, "I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable."

2007-11-22 05:14:44 · 6 answers · asked by ian h 3

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

2007-11-22 05:13:12 · 8 answers · asked by ian h 3