Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
People would say, "What a peaceful and loving couple!"
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.
"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'
"We proceeded a little further her and horse stumbled again.
"Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
"We hadn't gone another half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I shouted at her, 'What's wrong with you? Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you friggin' crazy!?'

2007-11-21 19:04:27 · 19 answers · asked by just bored 3

2007-11-21 18:21:44 · 21 answers · asked by LindaAnn 4

Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

2007-11-21 17:35:56 · 15 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

you know the part when the bee's talking to the girl and she talks about tivo and he says hivo? what is it?
is it like HIV or something?
thanks!

2007-11-21 17:23:19 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-11-21 16:08:14 · 14 answers · asked by Tatyanna 1

Employee: Boss, can I have the day off tomorrow?

Boss: So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for: There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

2007-11-21 16:03:09 · 15 answers · asked by Hope 6

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.
"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..."

2007-11-21 15:50:36 · 10 answers · asked by DJ 5

My teacher told us this riddle. His friend told it to him right before he moved to Europe, but he never told him the answer. So I do not know the answer! Do you? Here it is:

A man and his team were on an archaeological dig when they uncovered ancient bodies. The head archaeologist took one look at them and said, "These are the bodies of Adam and Eve." What made him so sure?

And I know it does not have anything to do with Adam's rib being missing.

Heeeelpp!!!! Do you know what it is?

2007-11-21 14:46:34 · 8 answers · asked by Sunshine 2

Two Irish guy have had a few drinks, and they're waliking along the railway tracks.

The first guy says to the other, "sh' it I've never seen so many stairs", the other guy says, "f' ck that mate, it's this bloody low railing thats killing me"

2007-11-21 14:11:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV".

He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".

The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.

Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.

She says, "How the hell do you know I'm blonde?".

He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."

2007-11-21 14:09:11 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I`d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I`ll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That`s wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That`s admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That`s amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, `This is your a**hole before prison..."

2007-11-21 14:06:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two lawyers are stranded on a desert island for several months.

The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree,"WOW,I just can't believe my eyes, there is a woman out there floating in our
direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious without even so much as a ring or earrings on her.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, indeed she was alive, warm and breathing, but sunburnedand needing immediate care and nursing.

One said to the other (as a typical male would), "You know, we've been onthis God-forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such along, long time. Do you think we should...well--you know screw her?"

(ok--you're gonna love this)


"Out of WHAT?", asked the other lawyer

2007-11-21 13:54:20 · 14 answers · asked by Brownie12866 2

please answer or try because it's a funny joke.

2007-11-21 13:46:14 · 16 answers · asked by movieiswow 1

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-11-21 13:31:59 · 12 answers · asked by wooweee 1

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize label.
She pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motorhome, I WON a motorhome!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"
The blonde replies, "No. I WON a motorhome, I WON a motorhome!"
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!"
Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motorhome, I WON a motorhome!"
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL !"

2007-11-21 13:13:16 · 16 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

The World's Hardest Riddle

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out,
But 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out,
In 6 minutes or less.

2007-11-21 13:06:51 · 17 answers · asked by dallas 1

Pls star if worthy...Thanx.

WELCOME TO THE HUSBAND STORE:

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the
store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch...you may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1: These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2: These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids and are extremely
good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good
looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
the building, and have a nice day!

2007-11-21 12:34:39 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Northern Territory aboriginal farm-hand radios back to the farm manager

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.

The pig's ok but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my Ute and is wriggling & squealing so much I cannot get him out".

The manager says "OK there's a 303 behind the seat. Take it out and shoot the pig in the head & you'll be able to remove him".

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. "I did as you said boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars.

No problem there, but I still can't go on."

"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager.

"Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The back wheel and the flashing blue light is wedged under the right front wheel arch.....................

Boss, you there boss??

2007-11-21 12:32:00 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pls. star if worthy...Thx.


There is a bar on top of a 30 story building. A man says to his mate "I bet I could jump out of the window and the wind will push me back in."

His mate says "God ur drunk already... you couldn't, it is not even windy"

The first man says, "watch and learn" then jumps out and come's flying back in.

His friend is amazed and decides to try for himself. So he jumps out and falls to his death.

The bartender comes over and says... "Superman... you can be a dickkhead sometimes."

2007-11-21 12:31:20 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

yeah i have no idea wat the answer it. but i wanted to know if u no.

2007-11-21 12:26:47 · 14 answers · asked by rissa 2

dis riddle 90% of harverd students cant solve it but 95% 5 yaer old can


I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

1st to answer this gets 10 points...

2007-11-21 12:26:18 · 17 answers · asked by Unbiased Laker's Fan 4

Pls star if worthy...Thx.

A man, who is sentencd to life imprisonment, decided to dig a tunnel to escape. He works for many months on this tunnel and finally finishes it. He decides to break out during the day, figuring that the guards will not suspect this. As he breaks through the ground to the surface, he finds himself in a pre-school playground.

He is surprised, but he rejoices anyway, shouting, "I'm free, I'm free!"

At this a little girl approaches him, puts her hand on her hip, and says, "Big deal! I'm four!"

2007-11-21 12:26:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is heavy when going forward, not when going back?

Simple but let's see who can get it.

2007-11-21 12:24:29 · 11 answers · asked by Judgerz 6

Okay I see people posting this like crazy (the riddle below this). and then people are like.. THE ANSWER IS NOOO! But i'm not asking you to solve the ridle.. I'm wondering. how is the answer no?!


I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-11-21 12:21:03 · 15 answers · asked by !@#$%^&* 2

Pls star if worthy...Thanx.

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

2007-11-21 12:19:54 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

you can break me but you can not bend me
i can move everything but nothing can move me
i can change your temperature but you cant change mine
i am known for being bitter

2007-11-21 12:15:34 · 18 answers · asked by younggramma 3

A man calls his boss and says, "I'm not feeling well, so I won't be in today."
Boss replies, "Well, Whenever I'm not feeling well, I make love to my wife and then I feel good again."
Man says, "Well, Okay then I'll try that."
Two hours later the man calls his boss back and says,"Hey it worked! I feel a lot better, Thanks! By the way you have a nice house."

2007-11-21 12:15:07 · 15 answers · asked by bnyxis 4

A father is taking his 13 year old son fishing for the first time. They're on on the boat at the lake and the father takes out the fishing rod and starts fishing. The son asks the fathers if he can have a turn. The father tells the son to pull down his pants and ejaculate in the lake. When the son asks as to why, the father replies, "Son, before you can become a master fisherman, you must become a master baiter".

2007-11-21 12:14:11 · 5 answers · asked by John S 1

So a duck walks into a bar and asks the barman," got any grapes." The bartender says no. So the duck leaves.
The duck comes back the next day and asks the same question. The bartender says no.

Over the next month the Duck was coming in everyday asking for grapes. One day the Bartender said,"next time u ask for grapes I'm gonna nail your bill to this counter." The duck left.

The duck hadn't come back for a year. The bartender really thought he got rid of that duck until 1 day the duck walked into the bar.
The duck said," got any nails." The bartender replied,"no"
Then the duck said,"got any grapes."
A lot of ppl wont get it. look it over if u dont get it.

2007-11-21 12:13:57 · 42 answers · asked by Matt 4

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were there attacking a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled, "Now back off or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed ..."When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

2007-11-21 12:10:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous