Jokes & Riddles - November 2007

Three kids are bragging about their dads.
Kid # 1: My dad is really fast, he goes from Washington to Boston in four hours, does it every day, he's a bus drive.
Kid # 2: That's nothing, my dad's a pilot, he goes from Washington to San Fransisco in four hours
Kid #3. My dad's the fastest. He works for the government. He works every day till 5:00 and he's home by 4:30

2007-11-21 06:25:47 · 14 answers · asked by davster 6

Little Johnny and Jenny

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married. So Johnny goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowance - Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine”

By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to.

After a second, Mr.Smith says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says “Well, we’ve been lucky so far………”

2007-11-21 06:20:58 · 33 answers · asked by Freakin 6

Q: Why did Moses wander the desert for fourty years?

A: He wouldn’t ask for directions

2007-11-21 06:01:00 · 16 answers · asked by ♥ 2

and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."

The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."

2007-11-21 05:12:41 · 13 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

"I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."

"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."

2007-11-21 05:10:22 · 10 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

How good are you in problem solving...

> -There is a bus with 7 Girls

> -Each girl carries 7 bags

> -Inside each bag there is 7 cats

> -Every cat has 7 kittens

> -All cats have 4 legs each

> Question: How many legs are in the bus?

2007-11-21 03:28:56 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

his pal says "you'd be better using the door!"

boom boom

2007-11-21 02:53:42 · 6 answers · asked by Laney 2

Marriage


Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:


"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what
time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I
expect a great dinner to
be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for
dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing
when I want with my
old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules.
Any comments?"


His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock
every night .......... whether you're here or not."

2007-11-21 02:53:14 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbours dog barking.
It had been barking for hours and hours,when suddenly paddy jumps out of bed and say "I've had enough of this and goes downstairs..
paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says,"the dog is still barking.what have you been doing?"
paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard. See how they like it now!!"

2007-11-21 02:37:53 · 6 answers · asked by richy 3

I am small
I am white
I can disappear and be water
It tastes better when you put me on it
I have four letters
I start with an S
What am I?

2007-11-21 02:15:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

All have the same answer, and ten points for the first to get!

What is greater than god?

What is more evil than the devil?

The poor has it,

The rich need it,

if you eat it you will die.

What is it?

2007-11-21 02:10:42 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man, a cat, and an ostrich walk into a bar. They sit down and the man offers to buy a round of beer. "Sure," says the cat, "That'd be nice but you know I'm not buying you one in return."

"Fine," says the man and goes to buy three beers. They drink and talk for a while until they finish their beer and then the ostrich asks if they'd like another. "Please," says the cat, "But there's no way I'm gonna pay for any later on."

The ostrich orders three beers and they sit and drink and talk for a bit longer. When the time for the next time comes around the man and the ostrich both look at the cat expectantly.

"No way," says the cat. "I made it damn clear that I'm not paying for any beer...you want more, you'll have to pay."

Sighing, the man gets up and asks for three more beers. The bartender, who is obviously confused asks the man, "What's going on?"

"Well," says the man, "I found an old lamp a few years back and I gave it a rub and this genie comes out, says he'll give me anything I wish for. But I'm not sure he really understood...I asked for a tall bird with a tight pussy."--

2007-11-21 02:08:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

George Bushes, father Bush and son Bush, Bush Jr., are on board a small two seater plane when suddenly George Senior, the pilot, parachutes out of the plane. Not knowing how to fly a plane, National Guard Service or not, George, Jr. grabs the radio.

"Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!"

Ground control receives the call for help and answers back:

"Your dad?"

"He left me here! Took the parachute!"

"Sir, your dad?"

"He's the pilot! Gosh!"

"Okay, don't worry, sir. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."

"I'm over six feet and sitting in the front!"

2007-11-21 02:00:51 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

6.00 G-Had TV. Morning prayers.
8.30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.
9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.
11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.
12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on Americas attempts to take over the world.
13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some cooking.
14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.
14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.
15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions.'Starter for ten, no praying.'
15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.
17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.
17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.
18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?
19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions.
Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?
20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?
22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.
23.30 They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel it the Mullah' round.
0.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.
00.30 a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.
01.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
02.00 A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again.

2007-11-21 01:57:12 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

2007-11-21 01:49:59 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

go on make my day

2007-11-21 01:25:12 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be the richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many ears. Poof!

The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.

After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to here and asked: "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

2007-11-21 01:22:59 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?

2007-11-21 01:22:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to Tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No."
"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up With a large tank of latex and the workers are all picked according to Hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in,
And then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right Onto their hands!
Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the Big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!!
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her Teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and Exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

2007-11-21 00:14:22 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

1. You go to a party, sit down and take MySpace pics.
















2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
















3. The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have MSN/Bebo/MySpace.
















4. You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.
















6. Your evening activity is sitting at the computer.
















7. You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.














8. You didn't notice there was no number five.









9. You you scrolled back up to see if there was a number five.










10. You think about how stupid you are for reading this.

2007-11-21 00:09:48 · 7 answers · asked by cruzebc5 3

humpty dumpty sat on a....

2007-11-20 23:40:57 · 30 answers · asked by rose m 2

mine is when im at work and tell customers then have to pay deliver charge and they completely go off on one.

i had a little old man swear at me and been spat at. i dont make the rules, just get paid for following them.

2007-11-20 23:37:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

2007-11-20 22:50:26 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Woof woof

2007-11-20 22:47:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The pilot got cold so turned off the fan.

2007-11-20 22:24:29 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The executioner says to him "You have a choice of three methods of execution. Hanging, beheading or we can inject you with AIDS"
Paddy says "I'll go with the AIDS, at least that way I can live for a little while longer"
So the executioner injects Paddy with AIDS and then to his surprise, Paddy starts rolling around on the floor laughing.
"What's up with you?" Asks the executioner.
"You silly prat!" Says Paddy "I'm wearing a condom!"

=)

2007-11-20 22:12:01 · 17 answers · asked by Vivi 5

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
....................................................
if u liked this..plz mark it as INTRESTING..it would motivate to bring more good data for u..

2007-11-20 21:20:43 · 15 answers · asked by prasunkuls 2

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

2007-11-20 21:13:18 · 11 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Twenty things to prove you are drunk…

1. I have absolutely no idea where my wallet is. (Or pants... but that's a long story).
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decide I want to kick someone's *** and honestly believe I could do it too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The person I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

2007-11-20 21:10:56 · 11 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A beautiful woman visited a psychiatrist. "I know exactly what's bothering you," he said. "It's a man, isn't it?" '
"Yes," she replied, "he insists on kissing me every day of the week."
The psychiatrist recommended that she put her foot down and refuse.
The next day she returned and said, "Now he insists on hugging me."
Again she was told to refuse him.
On the third day she returned in an almost hysterical state.
"What does he want now?" asked the psychiatrist.

"It's terrible," sobbed the girl. "Now he wants a divorce!"

2007-11-20 20:21:04 · 9 answers · asked by Pd 6